Thursday, December 31, 2009

Why I (Didn't) Love...

Curse you 09!

*SIGH* Oh, 2009. It started mildly hopeful (first black prez, Aretha's hat) and then descended into torture (Jon and Kate, Balloon Boy) not too long after. Here are just 5 of many things that made 2009 and me NOT cuddly friends:

Celebrity deaths: 2009, being the ruthless murderess she is, took too many lives this year, especially this summer. I'm sure you know of all the great people who passed away this year so I'm not gonna give you a list. The point is, rather, that 2009 took all the WRONG people leaving a big black hole in our famous people-loving hearts. May they all rest in peace. (Stupid 2009...)

"Single Ladies": According to Wikipedia, the "Single Ladies" music video was released sometime in October of 2008. So, why why
why are we still hearing this song EVERYWHERE? It was cute before ("Oh, that B!") but now it's just annoying. No more. I'm not putting a ring on anything Beyoncé so leave me alone!

Dun dun dun! The evil swine flu. Although swine flu was a good excuse to not make physical contact with that one nasty kid and provided fun hand-sanitizing foam, it proved to be a not so fun illness. When knowledge of swine flu first entered our brains, I was afraid it was gonna be the end of the world the way they were going on about it. True, swine flu has joined 2009 with her murdering ways but it has yet to wipe out the whole human race so...yeah...

Jay Leno: I haven't seen Jay Leno's new show so it isn't very fair of me to be criticizing him. Too bad; I'm gonna do it anyway. Supposedly Mr. Leno has been screwing over Conan by ruining his (pseudo) lead-in duties and sending viewers running to other channels for the 10 o'clock slot. Jay, this was year to retire, drive your numerous cars, stuff your face with meat and buff your chin. Maybe 2009 would've been better if you had just quit like you were supposed to.

More Twilight: Ugh. This year, thanks to New Moon, we sane people had to suffer through more Twilight crap: more Twihard squeeing, more Team Jake vs. Team Eddie arguments, more insanity. If we must endure Twilight for TWO MORE YEARS can we please stop insulting everyone's intelligence and admit it is NOT a saga? Please?

SO 2009 was kinda annoying and I'm a bit whiny but it wasn't all that bad. We got to enjoy Taylor Swift's happy-go-lucky songs. We got to see Miley shake her thang in booty shorts. We got to be entertained by iCarly. We got to make fun of JONAS. We got to root for Conan in LA. And King Kevin took a Queen. Not great, but not too bad, no?

Here's to hoping that 2010 is much, much better!

ciao, 2009!

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Video Vomit: "We Didn't Need to See That" Edition

The Juicebox gives you an early holiday present. Enjoy!

Ok. Let's talk about this before it gets too old. Today's vomit comes courtesy of Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. "Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga" was never a collaboration I could ever in my wildest dreams imagine. So, naturally my head almost exploded the first time I saw this video. Lucky I'm not epileptic because I almost had a seizure too.

I went through a range of emotions when I first saw this video:

Before I even clicked on the link I was nervous. What kind of trauma was I about to endure? The song is called "Video Phone;" you can't write a song about a video phone. Well, Beyoncé, being mistress of her domain (whatever that means) proved me wrong. You
can write a song about video phones, kiddies. Not a good song, but a song nonetheless. (I guess Nelly's ode to his Air Force Ones shoulda clued me in)

Next I felt confused. "What's Rihanna doing in this video?" I thought. It took me a couple seconds but I soon realized that it was Beyoncé. After my brain settled I began to feel concern. It appeared that someone had attacked Beyoncé and taken most of her clothing. I wondered why those men, who appear to be bodyguards, did nothing to prevent Beyoncé from being violated in such a manner. However, I soon realized that B was probably just on her way to the pool for a swim in her sparkly bathing suit, trench coat and leather boots. Those men are probably just on sunscreen duty.

As the video progressed I began to feel anger. What was Beyoncé doing with my favorite Star trooper bra and panties?! I want them back.

Then I was amazed! Beyoncé's backside appears to have some kind of...mystical power! It entrances men; especially those with cameras for heads.

Most of the video passed without incident up until another wave of confuzzlement washed over me. What the hell?! Why is Bette Midler in this music video? And how'd she get so young?! It wasn't until "Bette Midler" began spazzing out...I mean, dancing (?) that I realized it was Lady Gaga. And then I was just amused by how little she was compared to Queen B. (Wittle Gaga!!)

After the chair dance, I spent the rest of the video being angry that I was still watching the video.


As I've said before, I do think Beyoncé is talented and I tend to think Gaga is too. But they're too much for me! Do you see the kind of pain they put me through? The whole video was grossly unnecessary. I'm glad that Beyoncé got to channel her inner Rihanna (hair), Gaga (lots of pantslessness), Winehouse (eye makeup), and Miley (butt popping). And it warms my heart (not really) to hear her make sex noises in my ear. But none of this is new. Actually, seeing Lady Gaga almost rip her own head off
was kinda interesting. Eh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason I would watch this video again is if I wanted to induce a seizure to get out of finals. Hmm...that's not a bad idea...

ciao :]

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Monday, November 30, 2009

Why I Love...

..."Look Around You"

Look around you. Look around you. Just look around you. Have you figured out what we're looking for? If you answered "10 minute shorts parodying 70s/80s British educational television" then you're right. If not, then sorry, you're dumb. (jk)

"Look Around You" is a great show for numerous little reasons. First of all, if you love Simon Pegg & Co. then you'll have fun getting glimpses of Nick Frost, Ed Wright and Simon himself. The show also features Peter Serafinowicz aka "Dwayne" from
Spaced or "Pete" from Hot Fuzz.

Also if you love running jokes like unnecessary labels, pencils as pointers (even to point out pencils) and absurd portmanteaus then this is the show for you.

"Look Around You" is also very educational. Who knew that germs came from Germany? Or that there are secret, forbidden keys at the end of a piano? I didn't know these things. But I am now equipped with this valuable knowledge thanks to LAY.

It'd be kind of annoying to list all the little things that make "LAY" so grand so you'll either just have to believe me (I
am the authority here) or you'll have to go look for yourself - which I HIGHLY suggest.

Ok...I have to admit, this is a lazy "Why I Love..." but I really do love the first series of LAY and I know you will too. So go on over to YouTube RIGHT NOW and watch it! I command you!


P.S. - If that's not enough to convince you then hopefully
this is. :)

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Pop Culture Justice: You SUCK at Parenting

Case Background:
Since the beginning of time, there have been parents and there have been stupid people. Most of the time, when these two worlds collide, (i.e.
stupid people + offspring) we get Bad Parents.There are many different ways to define a Bad Parent, but for our purposes, a bad parent is any parent who clearly cares more about everything else (ex. money, fame, drugs, whores) more than the well-being of their children. The Worst Kind of Parent will neglect their children to the point of the offspring's near-demise and still think that the kid is A-OK! (Let's keep up with the math here: stupid people + delusions of the brain + offspring = Worst Kind of Parent) Most of the time these parents are called out for their bad behavior, but are rarely brought before the court of law. The American legal system is slacking and, because I'm such a good citizen, I'm picking up the slack. On the docket today are Michael Lohan and Joe Jackson. This should be fun!
Court is in session.

Case #1
Plaintiffs: Dina "Famewhore" and Lindsay "Leggings" Lohan
Defendant: Michael Lohan
Complaint: Fails majorly at being a dad by constantly airing Lindsay's druggie laundry for the world to smell.
Evidence: If you're a gossip blog frequenter like yours truly, you probably know by now that Michael Lohan keeps releasing private tapes revealing his daughter's personal problems. Some of them are phone calls between him and his ex-wife and some are messages I assume Lindsay left on his phone. I haven't listened to any of these tapes because I'm not really into reveling in the misery of others. (I'm only just a little into it)
Mr. Lohan claims to be releasing these tapes to the public to get Lindsay help for hr alleged drug problems. This is where Mr. Lohan receives a big fat
F on his Parent Report Card. The last time I checked, these sort of PRIVATE matters are meant to be dealt with in PRIVACY between the members involved in a PRIVATE manner. Mr. Lohan is doing nothing but bringing upon himself the wrath (via incoherent Twitter rants) of his daughter and his ex-wife (via ET & TMZ, etc./ aka, her best friends)
Mr. Lohan displays his sucky parenting skills by making it quite clear that he doesn't really care if Lindsay gets better but is more concerned with keeping his irrelevant name in the news, especially now that him and Jon Gosselin are no longer torturing the world with their "friendship."
While it's entirely true that Lindsay is doing nothing to get better and is not really hiding her private woes very well (once again, via incoherent Twitter rants), her famewhore of a father has no right to tell everyone just how bad his daughter is. If he wants her to get help then maybe he can do this very innovative thing where you sit a person down, face-to-face, and you - wait for it - TALK TO THEM! Crazy, I know.

Verdict: Due to all the evidence put before me, I have no choice but to find the defendant GUILTY!
Sentence: I sentence Mr. Lohan to share a room with Heidi and Spencer in hell. He'll also have to massage the Devil's foot bunions for 12 hours a day while listening to his daughter's song, "Daughter to Father" on repeat.

Case #2
Plaintiffs: Blanket and his Minions (Oh, you know Blanket's got 'em in check)
Defendant: Joe "My son is worth more dead than alive" Jackson
Complaint: Continues to prove that it is possible to love money, being creepy and scaring children more than your own offspring.
Evidence: Holy Mary Mercy Me! Where to start? No need to go back any further then the recent death of his son, Michael Joesph Jackson. (Anyone else find that so ironic? I can't get over how ironic that is.) When Michael Jackson passed on, Mr. J. Jackson, went trapezing onto the red carpet at the BET awards and started rambling about his record label. Mind you, this was merely days after the death of one of his children; which is often cited as being one of the biggest emotional upheavals a parent can experience. We gave him the benefit of the doubt though. "People grieve in different ways," we replied. "Maybe he's still in shock," we said. "Maybe he's getting senile," we shrugged.
However, it has come to my attention that Joe Jackson is neither senile, shocked nor even grieving. Nope. Dude is just shameless. I almost admire it. Mr. Jackson just has no shame. He doesn't even try to fake like he's not happy he's getting some extra money from all this. If I were in his place, I'd at least try to squeeze out a tear or two for sympathy but no, not Joe Jackson, no siree.
It became increasingly clear that Mr. Jackson loves da sweet mula when he recently tried to get his grubby hands on his dead son's estate, even after MJ wrote
HELL NO on his will where it said, "Money for your dad?". (In case you didn't know, that's how a will is formated. It's just a series of questions about who gets your money, your kids and your favorite PJs.) When asked about his grandfather's attempt to get his share of the estate, Blanket replied that he "Ain't having none of that shiznit." You go boy - take names and kick ass. I'm behind you all the way. I can't not get behind a kid who's hair is almost longer than he is tall.*

Verdict: ANYWHO (luscious hair is distracting), Joe Jackson is a sucky parent because, like his friend Mr. Lohan, he's really bad at pretending he likes his kids more than money and fame. Therefore, I find this dude GUILTY!
Sentence: Mr. Jackson will be responsible for the upkeep of his grandson, Blanket's luscious locs until he comes of age. When he's not brushing and conditioning hair, Mr. Jackson will get the Sisyphus treatment. Except, instead of a boulder, it will be a big ball of money. Then, when it gets to the bottom of the hill, it will break and all the money will be snatched up by poor, but very strong, orphans. Then, Mr. Jackson will have to wrestle each and every dollar from each and every poor (but very strong!), orphan and reassemble the dollars back into their ball form. He will then roll the ball back up the hill and that will go on forever and ever with "Speed Demon" on loop. Elaborate, I know.

Well, that'll show those two to mess with Judge K.I.A.

ciao, bellas.

*Because you care
so much, I'm sure you will be happy to know that one of my fellow judge-people repeated MJ's HELL NO. Then he told Mr. Jackson to go home and read a book or something. I'd also throw some French toast eating in there because French toast cures ALL. TRUTH.

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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Happy Birfday King Kevin!!1!1!!11!!!


Just in case you didn't know (because you were being useless and sucking at life) today is the 22nd year in which King Kevin has graced us with his earthly presence. So stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW and thank God that Kevin Jonas exists. Praise the Lord!

Happy Birthday Kevin Jonas :)

The Juicebox

P.S. - Bear with us; we're working on a crown more worthy of his greatness.

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Why I Love...

(WARNING: Nothing duck related inside)

I'm just trying to spice things up here on the Juicebox by talking about the weather! (Contradictory? I think not!) Fall is a great time of year. The best thing about fall is the temperature. Oh Boy! What's more fun then dressing for the 40 degree morning weather only to be sweating in your 40 degree weather outfit later when the temperature shoots up 75 degrees?! Nothing! Nothing is more fun than that!

Also great about fall is the lovely tendency of the trees to toss acorns down at your head. I have yet to be hit by one but I do love the rush of walking under a tree and wondering whether or not I'll be hit in the head by an acorn. Fun!

Going back to the temperature, one of my favorite parts about fall is the people who refuse to let go of summer. There's something heartwarming about watching you shiver in your tank top, flip flops and shorts when its 40 degrees out because you just can't let go. (Yes, I will be jealous of you come 70 degree time but for now, I'm laughing.)

In all seriousness though, fall is a really nice time of the year when the weather isn't being funky. The leaves turn pretty colors and the turkeys come out to play... Good times!

Happy Halloween! Have fun being drunken sluts!

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

We the People of the United States... order to form a more perfect union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the right to do whatever the hell it takes to get on Television. probably didn't hear about this but they changed the preamble to the Constitution. Nice, huh?

Welcome to the United States where one of our favorite pastimes is forcing our children to hide in attics, releasing giant balloons, lying to the authorities about our children being caught in said balloon and then sending the authorities on a wild goose chase after said balloon in hopes of saving the non-existent child.

This "15 Minutes" syndrome is a strange sort of dilemma that seems to be enhanced by the advent of reality television. It used to be that people had to have some kind of talent to get on tv. You know: You can sing, or act or dance or tell funny jokes. If your talent didn't fall into these traditional A/V realms, maybe you'd find yourself in a human interest piece on your local news channel and you'd get your 15 minutes that way. But not these days. The talent pool seems to have expanded to include things that I wouldn't really consider talents.

For example, TLC seems to think it's a talent to have a lot of babies and then, *gasp*
take care of them! What a novel idea!: Having children and then taking responsibility for their well-being! I guess the fascination with these large families come from the fact that the average American family these days only has about 2 children. It's interesting to see how they deal with their abundance of children. But, put this show on a couple decades ago and I don't know that it would be so intriguing. I can understand a short special here and there with updates and whatnot. But what about watching the Gosselins and Duggars every week do everyday things is so fascinating? Yes, they have 10 billion kids, but I'd be satisfied with looking at a picture, going "Wow, that's a lot of kids" and moving on.

Another fine example comes from MTV, who seems to think it's a talent to be rich and spoiled. I guess it could be considered
fun to be a spoiled bitch but a talent? I think not. I'm not sure what the purpose of these shows are; shows like "My Super Sweet 16" and "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills." I like to think that MTV is being ironic with "My Super Sweet 16." I mean, I hope we're supposed to pity and not envy those kids. As for "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills"...I'm thinking it's MTV's lazy attempt at a teen drama. They just formulate some story lines and get some rich kids to ad lib for a bit. No having to pay writers! Or, they really expect us to be SO fascinated by the lives of the privileged. I guess some people like to agonize over the dilemmas of the oh-so-rich: "What will LC do? She must decide between buying the Gucci or Chanel bag! She can't buy both because no more rich people stuff will fit in her Mercedes! Find out what she does next week on The Hills!"

The thing about all these "reality stars" is they're famous for being people who are either a) willing to humiliate themselves for money or b) willing to have cameras invade their lives because one tiny aspect of it is abnormal. Unless lacking dignity is a talent then I don't see what makes these people worthy of all the attention they get. As for the "willing to have people invade their lives for something abnormal" stars, sometimes what's abnormal about their life isn't so abnormal at all. What's so abnormal about Brooke Hogan that we should follow her around all day? I guess being completely and utterly useless to society is kinda special but does it warrant a TV show? I'll let you decide. (Hint: NO)

So, I'm guessing "15 Minute" Syndrome kinda comes from a "If they can be famous, why can't I?" place. ( I mean
seriously, if Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag can be famous, why can't I?) If you have some sort of "talent" (ability to stay awake at your boring job, cooking Ramen noodles, etc) then you start to think you deserve some recognition for it because, hell, Paris Hilton got herself a TV show for just being stupid!

Then, I think it also comes from all the glamour and perks of being a celeb. You know...obnoxious people shoving cameras in your face, your "friends" selling you out to trashy magazines, strangers making fun of your cankles on gossip blogs...all that glamorous stuff. (Flossy, flossy) We love celebrities in America. We love telling them how beautiful they are and how much better they are then all us commoners. We pay them millions of dollars every year to make us feel fat, ugly and worthless. It's only natural that we'd get fed up being a commoner and want to be a celebrity.

So, if we can't sing or dance or act or tell funny jokes (or act like we're singing funny jokes while we dance) then we make something up or do something stupid in hopes that TLC or MTV or whatever will come knocking and begging to share in our shame for the entertainment of the American people.

Oh, America the BEAutiful.

ciao :)

P.S.: See what little Falcon Heene
thinks about being a reality star. Take that, Papa Heene! (Or not since he doesn't seem to give a damn)
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Monday, October 26, 2009

Dear Geocities

Oh, Geocities. How I will miss you. You hosted all my angsty teenage poetry. And now, along with my adolescence, you die. You will be missed, even if i hadn't logged in for years. If only I had that poetry in my hands still. Thanks for all you have done and for keeping me busy when I was thirteen.

Señorita Brownie McTree

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

This Post is Bigger After the Jump

Sorry; that was too easy I suppose. So, for you Doctor Who fans, here's a TARDIS iPod sock I made for my roommate's birthday. (October is le month of birthdays here in Ziggy's Magical Starship.
It's a basic sock, with the windows and suck embroidered on it. The end.
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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Beware: Needles are Back

Good Golly! It's Time for some elderly crafts! Yea, I know. I've been pretty m.i.a lately. And I apologize. But good news is that I've been busy! OK, not really, but I finished a few projects and am ready to share.

Now if you'll recall I've mentioned the lack of knit projects for cute toys out there. I'm not a crocheter, at least not a good one, so I was desperate to find something. Sure i had my bird pattern, but that gets boring. Enter Amigurumi Knits.
My reaction when I came across this book at Borders? FINALLY! I mean really, crochet had the strong hold on the cute squishies for much to long. Future research lead me to Hansi Singh's Etsy page where she had more patterns for sale. But first the book.

Compared to the other book I've briefly mentioned, this book was wicked accessible and easy to follow. How do I know this? Because the octopus I made for my roommate's birthday looks like this:
Yeah. The fact that it even remotely resembles the one in the book is a fabulous sign. Many points won. But really, HE'S SO CUTE! And he really is mini. I could hold it in one hand. The entire book is filled with cute patterns, from garlic to a snail to a jackelope. I'm so pleased!

There are more for the future, including a pattern I bought on the Etsy page, and I'll keep the updates coming. Now if you'll excuse me, Rascal Flatts are on Conan and I need to plug my ears.

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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Why I Love...

...Megan Fox!

( is so hard to find a picture of Megan Fox in her underwear)

How do I love thee, Megan Fox? Let me count the ways.

I don't know about you but I'm sad that
Jennifer's Body has debuted in theaters because I will be without my Megan Fox "Quote of the Day." During the Transformers publicity extravaganza, Megan Fox only barely tickled my fancy. But now, with the publicity jubilee of Jennifer's Body, she's won the key to my fickle heart. Megan Fox has proved she's a jack of all trades. No, she's not just an actress and sexy model. She's so much more. Don't worry, I'll share:

Psychologist. PROOF: "I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I’m a borderline personality—or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is." (Wonderland Magazine)

I don't know of many people who, without a degree in Psychology, can diagnose themselves with a mental disorder. But Megan Fox can. She can do anything.

Expert on men. PROOF: "I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it's a superiority complex — my needing to keep them down." (Cosmo)

Take notes ladies! Megan Fox knows about men, I mean
boys, and how to keep them in their places. It's the mind games. Call them boys. That is all.

2 HOTT 4 U. PROOF: "I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on." (Elle)

Megan Fox is sexy as hell and she doesn't even have to try. And you? You have to try. You try so hard but you can never reach the level of sexy that Megan Fox is at because the sexy is not in your pores. You FAIL, Megan Fox WINS.

For further proof that Megan Fox is so much sexier than you can ever even hope to be, see any spread she's done in any magazine ever.

Philosopher. PROOF: "When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross." (GQ)

Whoa, Megan Fox! Slow down there. That's too much deep thinking for me. Move over, Socrates.


I wasn't sure before but now I know I love Megan Fox. She's not afraid to be her good ol' krazy, sexy, weird self. And I can appreciate a girl who doesn't apologize for all the stupid stuff she says. Plus her last name is "Fox." How great is that?! You go, Megan Fox!
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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Video Vomit: "She's Just Being Miley" Edition

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Miley.

I know I already talked about Miley's "Party in the USA" performance at the TCAs and I didn't really plan on revisiting that gross song until Miley one-upped herself with the BEAUTIFUL gem that is her music video. Ok - I'm not gonna lie. I was eagerly awaiting this video. And it's everything I hoped it would be - and more!

First of all, it seems like Miley is wearing a recycled TCA outfit with a few minor tweaks. For one, she dumped the sparkly latex booty shorts for the even more classy
denim booty shorts. She then decided that just showing her bra wasn't enough. So, Billy Ray took his bestest bud out to Victoria's Secret and got her a nice push up bra to wear. Aw, good old-fashion father/daughter time. So not only do we get to ogle her butt, we also get an eye of her underage bosom. Grand!

But Miley doesn't stop there. No. She's a true performer and she takes it all the way. My favorite part comes circa 3:05 when Miley shows how a true Virgin puts it down. Pop that booty girl! Show us how it's done!

There actually isn't that much going on in this video besides Miley bouncing around that...wherever the hell she is and grabbing at her luscious weave. She proves to us, once again, that she's not a very good dancer. However, she can pop her butt and do body rolls so that's good, I guess. It really isn't very scandalous (We've seen
worse, no?) but it does scream "Please believe I'm so mature for 16!" and "I really wanna be a sex symbol!"

My only advice is: Leave the sexiness to the pros, Miley. Be patient my child for one day you will get to slut it up like no one's slutted it up before. One day.

ciao :)

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Real Talk: MTV Video Music Awards 2009

Ok, so I'm a wimp. I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I'm sorry! But I can only take so much. Anywho, Keep share my pain.

Madge. Real Talk: I didn't think old people had time for the VMAs. *shrug* But her words were heartfelt and sweet. It was a very nice start to the show. Too bad it just went downhill from there. But, she's quite awesome in her own right so it was cool to hear her talk. (Also, can we lay off the Botox? I don't know why people equate old with ugly. Madge was hot stuff back in the day. If she'd aged naturally she would look really good.)

MJ Tribute/Janet. Real Talk: Not bad. I'm starting to tire of the MJ tributing now. (Thank GOD that Jermaine's little shindig has been postponed). However, this was quite nice. I always forget about Janet - I was never really into Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty) - but she did her thing. Her big bro would be proud.

KANYE "KRAZY" WEST. Real Talk: Dude had Facebook BUZZIN'. He's outta control. How dare he diss Taylor Swift like that?! Take it back Kanye, take it back! Seriously though: Was that a "HAHA" throwback to that little stunt he threw at the Grammy's (??) a couple years ago? Cuz if he was joking it wasn't funny. If he wasn't joking then, in the words of my brother, he's a dickhead.

Russell Brand. Real Talk: He sucks. Revoke his Visa. The dude is not funny. Not only that, but he reminds me of clown. An evil clown. An evil English clown. I know you said the JoBros forgave you for the purity rings jokes but, will they forgive you for being such a bad host?? (Hint: King Kevin is NOT amused)

Fashion. Real Talk: Weird. It was mostly Lady Gaga's adventures that tipped the scales toward WTF. Taylor Swift helped out with her sparkly window curtains. (Though she gets a Get Out of Jail Free card since she was terrorized by Krazy West) Miranda Cosgrove's disco ball dress also added to the fun. Ms. Beyoncè was really testing the cleavage boundaries, no? I wonder if her mom still helps her get dressed. And if she does, I'd like to know where she's getting the industrial strength booby tape that keeps those tatas down. Really though, I'm thoroughly amazed that she wasn't falling out of that "Single Ladies" outfit. Speaking of the devil...

Beyoncè. Real Talk: Oh B. I don't hate her. I think she's very talented; good dancer and singer. But, dunno, she just rubs me the wrong way. I remember when I first heard about the epic "Single Ladies" video I had to check it out. And when I did I was both scared and amazed. When I saw it again tonight, all those confusing feelings came rushing back. How is it possible that she's still in one piece? Those dance moves just make me think that one of her legs are gonna pop out of their socket. But, she's still in one piece, so I commend her. BUT...where was Shane???

Lady Gaga. Real Talk: Holy Mary Mercy Me (Copyright: MJ). This chick is out of her mind. She and Kanye make me wanna drink a steaming hot bowl of sanity. I still can't decide if Lady Gaga is just too artsy and cool for lame old me or if she's just trying too hard. I guess I'll have to get back to you on that.

VMAs 2009. Real talk: *sigh* I'm getting too old for this. I'm just gonna assume that the rest of it sucked as much as the beginning. The host was annoying, the performances were strange and Lady Gaga will give me nightmares tonight. But I'll say something nice: I was impressed by all the people singing live and not sounding like crap (Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Beyoncè, Lady Gaga, Janet). That was kinda nice. Otherwise, I think it'll have to be another 10 or so years before I can bring myself to watch this thing again.


P.S. Oh! Also, Twilight "Saga" trailer was a treat. Looks LOL worthy so I'm excited for November. Also nice to see my girl-crush KStew. Yes, I'm smitten. ;)

P.P.S. MTV: Censoring - You're doing it wrong.

Update: Yeah...Kanye's a dickhead.

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Monday, August 31, 2009

Why I Love...

...The Juicebox!

Happy (Belated) 1st Birthday, Juicebox!

Technically me and la Señorita should've celebrated on August 12th - but this is close enough! I'm not gonna go into why the Juicebox is deserving of my love. If you can't figure it out for yourself than you fail at life. (Sorry, but this is the truth).
Anywayz, put on your party hats, grab a cupcake and take a look back at one year of fatassery, robots, King Kevin lovin' and Twilight hatin'.


P.S. - This year, The Juicebox's official birfday song is "Upside Down" by Diana Ross. Why? Because it's stuck in my head. And because Diana Ross is AWESOME! Man...I wish I was as crazy as Ms. Ross. She may replace Miley as my idol. Also, where do I buy hair like hers???? So jealous...
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Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dear Loving Celebrity

Dear Miranda Cosgrove,

Not all singers can dance. Not all dancers can sing. You are stuck in the middle. Please choose one.

Thank you and regards,
The Juicebox

(For evidence of this please click here and here because the girl don't want her vids embedded.)
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Saturday, August 29, 2009

WTF 2009?

I thought we were going to have a good time. Ms. K.I.A and I even told you that you looked sexy. But you had to go be a bitch. How you ask?

Well, look at everyone who was poked by the reaper. . .Actually the list is too long. Point is that you let them be poked. I know people die every day, but I don't know who those people are.

Why you have to mess with us 2009? Why?

You have few months to redeem yourself. Make us proud.

Give us the King Kevin/Patrick Stump super-band that will fix civilization. Just like Bill and Ted.
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Monday, August 24, 2009

Um I thought Discovery was mildly educational?

Usually, when you hear someone say "I love the Discovery Channel" you assume the person likes to learn. It makes sense. Discovery generally has a number of great educational programs on various kinds of science. Woo!

OK, I'll admit that some of this shows are educational, yet still play to their audience. For example Dirty Jobs (one of my favorites) has its host Mike Rowe in a number of gross-me-out situations that sometimes lead to him shirtless (which might be one of the reasons why I like it).That's the gimmick I suppose: he cleans up poop, gets it onto the camera and then there's occassionaly a silly shower scene.

Another example is Mythbusters. Now they are all degree holding sciency types, but they work in the special effects business so they know the Number 1 Rule of Cool: Making things blow up is AWESOME! I totally agree. But I also like sitting through the slower myths to get to the explosion, which is how they set up the show anyway. They try and add science and learning into the show; as their sign says WARNING: Science Content!

Now, back to the orginal point, Discovery has disappointed me. Enter the show Time Warp.

Here is what Time Warp does:

Since when is owning a slow-mo camera enough reason to have a show?

Okay, don't get me wrong. It's pretty cool to see things we think as instant in its full glory. Seeing James Hetfield's spit was gross yet cool. And the chainsaw part? That was effin' sweet. But not worthy of Discovery Channel air-time.

Why not? Well, because I didn't really learn much. Sure the octaves part (which may be in parts 2-4 of the above video) on the guy's acoustic guitar was cool to see. But they skip over the explanation a bit. I'd rather a better lesson on the math of music.

I get that not everyone wants all the science with their entertainment. And yes, seeing bubbles in slow motion is awesome, mostly because bubbles are awesome:

See that's cool right? Imagine having to sit around for an hour just to see those five minutes of awesome. Yeah, exactly. The stuff they do on Time Warp is cool, but not Discovery-Channel-hour-program cool. It's more of I'm-gonna-watch-this-on-Youtube cool.

Moral of the story: I'm dissappointed in you Discovery Channel. You have made entertainment without much education. Keep to the internet.

Now if you want more cool videos from Time Warp without the one hour sit around, go to Discovery's Youtube account. I particularly enjoyed the water balloon to the face.
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Your Fangirls Are Very Very Scary

According to Wikipedia (center of all human knowledge), the term fangirl describes "a female member of a fandom community (counterpart to the masculine "fanboy"). Fangirls may be more devoted to emotional and romantic aspects of their fandom, especially shipping" but "is commonly used in a derogatory sense to describe a girl's obsession with something." Also! "Fangirl behavior can fall anywhere in this spectrum, but the closer someone is believed to be towards the obsessive end, the more derogatory the use of the term 'fangirl' to describe them is perceived to be."

Wikipedia's being much too nice. I think they should just replace that whole section with the following: "A bunch of crazy, obsessed, delusional and horny chicks who make a person, usually a man, feel fear in his heart and genitals due to their insane amounts of 'love'" It's short, sweet, true and to the point.

Eddie Cullen
Twilight fangirls are, in general, very alarming. However, even more alarming, is the intense amount of infatuation directed toward the fictional character of Edward Cullen. Why the all the Eddie love? Well, from what I can gather Edward is really, really hot, super attentive and has a really cool car. This is all funny to me because I don't find cold, hard, marble-like skin to be hot. I also don't find it romantic to have a man watching me sleep without my permission. And I'm not that turned on by Volvos - they're quite standard, no?

But, a lot of girls (and grown women) out there would beg to differ. Eddie really is their dream guy. Just look on Facebook and you'll see numerous bumper stickers lamenting the fact that real male population is nothing compared to their hot hunk of marble. Some guys have even claimed to have their girlfriends break up with them because they couldn't live up to Eddie's standards. Now, I don't know if this is true but I can believe it.

I guess the reason Twihards scare me is because they really are obsessed with this fictional character. He seems to feed some sort of hidden fantasy that exists within a large part of the female population. Nothing wrong with some fantasizing but when fantasizing turns you into a drooling, obsessed creature that can't cope with the fictionality of a book character, than maybe you should take a breather. Or smoke some weed. I dunno...just CHILAX.

The JoBros
Once upon a time, when I would consider the nature of tween girls, I wouldn't add "rapist" to the mix. However, since the dawn of The Jonas Brothers, I've had to change my thoughts on the tweeny bopper crowd. How ironic that the super pure Jonas Brothers seem to bring out the dirtiest thoughts in their seemingly innocent fans.

(Man, I wish I'd kept screenshots of these things so I could have proof, but, since I'm the authority here, you'll just have to believe me. Or else...)

please believe me when I say there are little girls on the internetz who talk about doing dirrrtay things to Nick and Joe. King Kevin is often left out but that's ok b/c he's too good for that stuff anyway. Also scary, as a friend pointed out to me, are all the older ladies who are keeping a firm eye on resident jailbait, Nicky. (Stay strong ladies - he's got only 2 more years to go.)

I wish I could explain the fangirl love for the JoBros but this is one I honestly don't get. Is it their "music"? I mean, yeah, I guess it's annoyingly catchy. Or is it their "hotness"? I mean, I'm sorry, but Joe Jonas does not do it for me. But I can kinda see the appeal of Nick. He's got cute curly hair! And those freakishly muscular arms. Is that what it is, fangirls? Do Nick's arms turn you on?

Dunno...I guess I'll just accept their explanation that they're great "musicians" and really, very "hot." What I do know is that Mama Jonas may have a right to fear her poor wittle boys being seduced. Also, because I care, a bit of advice for Nicky: Invest in a padlock for your pants as an 18th birthday gift to yourself. You won't regret it.

Da King O' Pop
I mean, it really shouldn't be surprising that King Michael Joseph Jackson has crazy fans but it really did blow my mind that MJ has fangirls.

Now, like most of the others, I can see why MJ attracts the crazies. MJ did that odd thing that only a few people can do: successfully mix adorableness with sexiness. Not only that, MJ had the whole sensitive, loving, in-touch with his feelings thing going on that a lot of women found attractive. So I can see it...yea, I can see it.

Weirdly enough though, MJ has become a sort of Ed Cullen for his fangirls. They wish all men could be sensitive, loving and in-touch with his feelings. I can appreciate this. (I can also digg lusting after a real, albeit dead, man more than I can understand lusting after a fictional character.) But MJ, like Sr. Cullen, was far from perfect. I mean, he reeked of awesome but he obviously had a whole host of other problems that needed to be dealt with. I think all the MJ fangirls bought into his little Mickey Mouse front. I understand that it's hard, but you must look past the crotch grabbing and cute smile and see the flaws. Yes, even as an MJ fan, I believe his innocent persona was about 60% real. (And that is a precise mathematical calculation, mis amigos.) He was a smart guy so I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

But hey, some gals are into the whole "tortured soul" thing so, lust away MJ fans, lust away.

Poor RPattz!! Of all the people I've named here, I feel for him the most. Eddie Cullen isn't real so he's safe. The JoBros are pure so they're somewhat unavailable. And, well MJ is dead (sadness)...I sure hope someone is keeping his genitals safe. But RPattz...poor, poor, Robert Pattinson! He had no idea what he was getting into. Now he's being constantly bombarded by crazy, teen virgins and sex-deprived housewives!

I think RPattz love comes from two places:
(1) Ed Cullen projection and (2) Genuine attraction. We've already talked about how CRAZY Twihards are so it's really no surprise at all that their enamored with RPattz. He's the real life incarnation of oh-so-unattainable Eddie. So, these ladies, being out of their friggin' minds, show their love by violating his space and asking him to bite them. Yes, real life women really, in real, actual life, walk up to Robert Pattinson and really, actually in actual actuality ask him to bite them. You feeling his pain yet?

All I can say is that the government should look into pumping more money into mental health. RPattz is (inadvertently) breeding the crazy.

I guess we can all agree that fangirls seem to suffer from some sort of delusion problem. These men (if you consider Nick and Joe Jonas to be "men") seem to represent some romantic/sexual fantasy for these girls. So, because they can't have them, they become obsessively devoted. Fangirls cross that delicate line between fan and FAN!!!111!!!1!! A fan sees the humanity and flaws of their idol while fangirls build shrines to their perfect gods in the back of their closets. And do dirty things with their pictures...but we don't have to go there. Not today at least

Don't get me wrong though: fangirls are a great source of entertainment and I wholeheartedly support their cause. Keep on keepin' on gals! I'm right behind you enjoying a bowl of lolz.

Note: It is ALWAYS good to find a way to end your posts with the word "lolz."


P.S. A Letter to Mrs. Katherine Jackson:
Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I am sorry to inform you that your dear grandson, Prince Michael Joseph Jackson Jr., (?? I still can't figure out what your son was doing with his sons' names) has developed a fangirl following. Yes, I know your mouth is opening in horror at the soiling of your precious
12-year-old grandson's innocence. I, too, am appalled by old, krusty women referring to him (*shudder*) Please, do all that you can to keep him safe from these effed up ladies and tweenbots. For, in the blink of an eye, he will be 18 and therefore, fair game. I wish you all the best.
Much love,
Ms. KIA.

P.P.S. - Stop, hold up, name change! Thought I'd stop stealing stuff from Dana Carvey and Co.
P.P.P.S. - You're still reading?!

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