Thursday, August 20, 2009

Your Fangirls Are Very Very Scary

According to Wikipedia (center of all human knowledge), the term fangirl describes "a female member of a fandom community (counterpart to the masculine "fanboy"). Fangirls may be more devoted to emotional and romantic aspects of their fandom, especially shipping" but "is commonly used in a derogatory sense to describe a girl's obsession with something." Also! "Fangirl behavior can fall anywhere in this spectrum, but the closer someone is believed to be towards the obsessive end, the more derogatory the use of the term 'fangirl' to describe them is perceived to be."

Wikipedia's being much too nice. I think they should just replace that whole section with the following: "A bunch of crazy, obsessed, delusional and horny chicks who make a person, usually a man, feel fear in his heart and genitals due to their insane amounts of 'love'" It's short, sweet, true and to the point.

Eddie Cullen
Twilight fangirls are, in general, very alarming. However, even more alarming, is the intense amount of infatuation directed toward the fictional character of Edward Cullen. Why the all the Eddie love? Well, from what I can gather Edward is really, really hot, super attentive and has a really cool car. This is all funny to me because I don't find cold, hard, marble-like skin to be hot. I also don't find it romantic to have a man watching me sleep without my permission. And I'm not that turned on by Volvos - they're quite standard, no?

But, a lot of girls (and grown women) out there would beg to differ. Eddie really is their dream guy. Just look on Facebook and you'll see numerous bumper stickers lamenting the fact that real male population is nothing compared to their hot hunk of marble. Some guys have even claimed to have their girlfriends break up with them because they couldn't live up to Eddie's standards. Now, I don't know if this is true but I can believe it.

I guess the reason Twihards scare me is because they really are obsessed with this fictional character. He seems to feed some sort of hidden fantasy that exists within a large part of the female population. Nothing wrong with some fantasizing but when fantasizing turns you into a drooling, obsessed creature that can't cope with the fictionality of a book character, than maybe you should take a breather. Or smoke some weed. I dunno...just CHILAX.

The JoBros
Once upon a time, when I would consider the nature of tween girls, I wouldn't add "rapist" to the mix. However, since the dawn of The Jonas Brothers, I've had to change my thoughts on the tweeny bopper crowd. How ironic that the super pure Jonas Brothers seem to bring out the dirtiest thoughts in their seemingly innocent fans.

(Man, I wish I'd kept screenshots of these things so I could have proof, but, since I'm the authority here, you'll just have to believe me. Or else...)

please believe me when I say there are little girls on the internetz who talk about doing dirrrtay things to Nick and Joe. King Kevin is often left out but that's ok b/c he's too good for that stuff anyway. Also scary, as a friend pointed out to me, are all the older ladies who are keeping a firm eye on resident jailbait, Nicky. (Stay strong ladies - he's got only 2 more years to go.)

I wish I could explain the fangirl love for the JoBros but this is one I honestly don't get. Is it their "music"? I mean, yeah, I guess it's annoyingly catchy. Or is it their "hotness"? I mean, I'm sorry, but Joe Jonas does not do it for me. But I can kinda see the appeal of Nick. He's got cute curly hair! And those freakishly muscular arms. Is that what it is, fangirls? Do Nick's arms turn you on?

Dunno...I guess I'll just accept their explanation that they're great "musicians" and really, very "hot." What I do know is that Mama Jonas may have a right to fear her poor wittle boys being seduced. Also, because I care, a bit of advice for Nicky: Invest in a padlock for your pants as an 18th birthday gift to yourself. You won't regret it.

Da King O' Pop
I mean, it really shouldn't be surprising that King Michael Joseph Jackson has crazy fans but it really did blow my mind that MJ has fangirls.

Now, like most of the others, I can see why MJ attracts the crazies. MJ did that odd thing that only a few people can do: successfully mix adorableness with sexiness. Not only that, MJ had the whole sensitive, loving, in-touch with his feelings thing going on that a lot of women found attractive. So I can see it...yea, I can see it.

Weirdly enough though, MJ has become a sort of Ed Cullen for his fangirls. They wish all men could be sensitive, loving and in-touch with his feelings. I can appreciate this. (I can also digg lusting after a real, albeit dead, man more than I can understand lusting after a fictional character.) But MJ, like Sr. Cullen, was far from perfect. I mean, he reeked of awesome but he obviously had a whole host of other problems that needed to be dealt with. I think all the MJ fangirls bought into his little Mickey Mouse front. I understand that it's hard, but you must look past the crotch grabbing and cute smile and see the flaws. Yes, even as an MJ fan, I believe his innocent persona was about 60% real. (And that is a precise mathematical calculation, mis amigos.) He was a smart guy so I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

But hey, some gals are into the whole "tortured soul" thing so, lust away MJ fans, lust away.

Poor RPattz!! Of all the people I've named here, I feel for him the most. Eddie Cullen isn't real so he's safe. The JoBros are pure so they're somewhat unavailable. And, well MJ is dead (sadness)...I sure hope someone is keeping his genitals safe. But RPattz...poor, poor, Robert Pattinson! He had no idea what he was getting into. Now he's being constantly bombarded by crazy, teen virgins and sex-deprived housewives!

I think RPattz love comes from two places:
(1) Ed Cullen projection and (2) Genuine attraction. We've already talked about how CRAZY Twihards are so it's really no surprise at all that their enamored with RPattz. He's the real life incarnation of oh-so-unattainable Eddie. So, these ladies, being out of their friggin' minds, show their love by violating his space and asking him to bite them. Yes, real life women really, in real, actual life, walk up to Robert Pattinson and really, actually in actual actuality ask him to bite them. You feeling his pain yet?

All I can say is that the government should look into pumping more money into mental health. RPattz is (inadvertently) breeding the crazy.

I guess we can all agree that fangirls seem to suffer from some sort of delusion problem. These men (if you consider Nick and Joe Jonas to be "men") seem to represent some romantic/sexual fantasy for these girls. So, because they can't have them, they become obsessively devoted. Fangirls cross that delicate line between fan and FAN!!!111!!!1!! A fan sees the humanity and flaws of their idol while fangirls build shrines to their perfect gods in the back of their closets. And do dirty things with their pictures...but we don't have to go there. Not today at least

Don't get me wrong though: fangirls are a great source of entertainment and I wholeheartedly support their cause. Keep on keepin' on gals! I'm right behind you enjoying a bowl of lolz.

Note: It is ALWAYS good to find a way to end your posts with the word "lolz."


P.S. A Letter to Mrs. Katherine Jackson:
Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I am sorry to inform you that your dear grandson, Prince Michael Joseph Jackson Jr., (?? I still can't figure out what your son was doing with his sons' names) has developed a fangirl following. Yes, I know your mouth is opening in horror at the soiling of your precious
12-year-old grandson's innocence. I, too, am appalled by old, krusty women referring to him (*shudder*) Please, do all that you can to keep him safe from these effed up ladies and tweenbots. For, in the blink of an eye, he will be 18 and therefore, fair game. I wish you all the best.
Much love,
Ms. KIA.

P.P.S. - Stop, hold up, name change! Thought I'd stop stealing stuff from Dana Carvey and Co.
P.P.P.S. - You're still reading?!

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