Sunday, January 23, 2011

Why TeenNick Sucks

Let's start with the fact that it's called "TeenNick."

Reason #1: Lack of original programming
When The-N* finally dumped her little sister "Noggin" and went 24 hours, I was quite proud of her. Now she could stretch her wings by commissioning even more guilty-pleasure, teen drama for us (me) to indulge in. But then, The-N did a very strange thing. Instead of bringing on more original programming, it initiated some kind of weird, ritualistic killing of the little original programming it had. South of Nowhere? Taken out back and shot. Beyond the Break? Died in a very suspicious knife fight. Instant Star? Drowned in a bathtub. The Best Years? Somehow landed itself in a coma. It was later revived only to be smothered to death by a fancy pillow. I'd like to point the finger at Degrassi; seeing as she's always the last one standing; it wouldn't surprise me that she was behind all this. But it's more likely some really stupid higher-ups. (I kinda like my Degrassi conspiracy theory though...)

For as long as I have watched The-N/TeenNick it has, admittedly, never had that much original programming. Some have come and gone in the blink of an eye (About a Girl and Whistler** come to mind). That's usually because they sucked. But the original programming they had that stuck around (the ones I listed above and another favorite Radio Free Roscoe) was actually pretty good. And when they weren't really that good, they still had enough charm and drama to uphold them. The-N really shot itself in the foot when they got rid of all those shows. It made no sense: Why get rid of all the original programming when you finally get to be a full-time channel? For reasons I will spell out below, it really makes the channel 1)unoriginal and 2)very monotone. Why would I tune into The-N/TeenNick when I can watch half their programs on Nick, and the other half on MTV, FX, ABC Family and the CW? Seriously, the only show I can watch on The-N that I can't find anywhere else is that shitty show, Gigantic, that I've never seen and am judging solely on the basis that it seems like a really shitty show.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that TeenNick sucks because they don't give anyone a reason to watch their channel EXCEPT for their golden child Degrassi: The Next Generation. Which brings me to...

Reason #2: Degrassi overload
Holy hell. When I go home I can't watch TeenNick because if they're not showing Degrassi then they're showing commercials about Degrassi. Every other month TeenNick has a "EVERY DEGRASSI EPISODE EVER!!!" marathon. TeenNick is so far up Degrassi's ass it hasn't seen the sun in years. I like Degrassi and I like liking Degrassi but, hot damn, watching TeenNick too much would make me hate Degrassi. A lot.

Man, TeenNick is like that one mother that has all those children but has a clear favorite. So she neglects all her other children in favor of her oh-so-precious child when what she really needs to do is LET GO.

Now, I'm not saying that TeenNick needs to cancel Degrassi. I mean, where else will I get my necessary fix of ridiculous? No, what it needs to do is calm down with the Degrassi. Its Degrassi marathons are so pathetic and it makes it really obvious that it's the only original programming they have to promote. (Besides the aforementioned shitty Gigantic which I suspect is on its way out.)

Reason #3: Nick overlap/ sucky Nick overlap
One of my biggest beefs with TeenNick is the fact that half of their programming can already be seen on Nickelodeon. I like iCarly but not enough to want to watch two episodes at once on two different channels.

But it's not just the overlap - they also pick most of Nick's worst shows. I mean, honestly, Nick only has, like, 2 good shows so they don't have a plethora of good stuff to choose from. But that's all the more reason for more original programming! No one wants to watch Zoey 101 or Victorious or Tru Jackson VP or Big Time Rush all day. Actually, I'd take Zoey 101 over those other 3; at least it's mildly amusing.

TeenNick, these crappy show are bringing you down! Why don't you stop copying Nick and become your own beautiful butterfly? Right now you're just Nick+Degrassi(-SpongeBob) and that's really no good.

Reason #4: stupid syndication options
Not only is TeenNick borrowing heavily from the crappy bin at the Nick store, it's also borrowing from the annoying bin at the Syndication store. Come on Nick, playing Fresh Prince of Bel Air, What I Like About You and That 70s Show doesn't make you a teen/young adult channel. It makes you Nick at Nite...during the day. Not to mention I can watch all those shows on ten other channels. (Actually...I already mentioned that.)

I want mindless drama, NOT billions o' sitcoms. You have all those Nick sitcoms already! How many GD sitcoms do you need?!? Degrassi is your only (decent) drama and that's nowhere near being enough. If you're so desperate to show old stuff, why not show old teen dramas? What about 90210? Or Melrose Place? Why not bring back My So Called Life, for god's sake? I know there's only one season's worth of episodes to show but, I believe in you TeenNick - you can draw it out and hype it up like no other channel I know.

You can even bring back the epic shit pile (and ultimate guilty pleasure) that is Summerland. Hell, I'd watch it everyday, just for you, TeenNick. (And to see young Zac E's lovely gap.) Just chill out with the 90s sitcoms, ok?

You're not fooling anyone TeenNick. You being called TeenNick doesn't hide the fact that you're now targeted at the little tweentards. But look here TeenNick, this tween shit doesn't vibe with me, alright? Tweens are stupid and they like stupid things. Also they're annoying. So they definitely do not deserve to hog a whole channel to themselves. So stop being stupid TeenNick execs and STEP YOUR GAME UP.

Got it?

...No??? Well, I tried...

ciao .___.

*Yes, "The-N." That's what they used to call it waaaaaaaay back in 2009
**I never watched that show. I just know the commercials always had lots of snow in it. I had to look up the name.
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