Thursday, December 31, 2009

Why I (Didn't) Love...

Curse you 09!

*SIGH* Oh, 2009. It started mildly hopeful (first black prez, Aretha's hat) and then descended into torture (Jon and Kate, Balloon Boy) not too long after. Here are just 5 of many things that made 2009 and me NOT cuddly friends:

Celebrity deaths: 2009, being the ruthless murderess she is, took too many lives this year, especially this summer. I'm sure you know of all the great people who passed away this year so I'm not gonna give you a list. The point is, rather, that 2009 took all the WRONG people leaving a big black hole in our famous people-loving hearts. May they all rest in peace. (Stupid 2009...)

"Single Ladies": According to Wikipedia, the "Single Ladies" music video was released sometime in October of 2008. So, why why
why are we still hearing this song EVERYWHERE? It was cute before ("Oh, that B!") but now it's just annoying. No more. I'm not putting a ring on anything Beyoncé so leave me alone!

Dun dun dun! The evil swine flu. Although swine flu was a good excuse to not make physical contact with that one nasty kid and provided fun hand-sanitizing foam, it proved to be a not so fun illness. When knowledge of swine flu first entered our brains, I was afraid it was gonna be the end of the world the way they were going on about it. True, swine flu has joined 2009 with her murdering ways but it has yet to wipe out the whole human race so...yeah...

Jay Leno: I haven't seen Jay Leno's new show so it isn't very fair of me to be criticizing him. Too bad; I'm gonna do it anyway. Supposedly Mr. Leno has been screwing over Conan by ruining his (pseudo) lead-in duties and sending viewers running to other channels for the 10 o'clock slot. Jay, this was year to retire, drive your numerous cars, stuff your face with meat and buff your chin. Maybe 2009 would've been better if you had just quit like you were supposed to.

More Twilight: Ugh. This year, thanks to New Moon, we sane people had to suffer through more Twilight crap: more Twihard squeeing, more Team Jake vs. Team Eddie arguments, more insanity. If we must endure Twilight for TWO MORE YEARS can we please stop insulting everyone's intelligence and admit it is NOT a saga? Please?

SO 2009 was kinda annoying and I'm a bit whiny but it wasn't all that bad. We got to enjoy Taylor Swift's happy-go-lucky songs. We got to see Miley shake her thang in booty shorts. We got to be entertained by iCarly. We got to make fun of JONAS. We got to root for Conan in LA. And King Kevin took a Queen. Not great, but not too bad, no?

Here's to hoping that 2010 is much, much better!

ciao, 2009!

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Video Vomit: "We Didn't Need to See That" Edition

The Juicebox gives you an early holiday present. Enjoy!

Ok. Let's talk about this before it gets too old. Today's vomit comes courtesy of Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. "Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga" was never a collaboration I could ever in my wildest dreams imagine. So, naturally my head almost exploded the first time I saw this video. Lucky I'm not epileptic because I almost had a seizure too.

I went through a range of emotions when I first saw this video:

Before I even clicked on the link I was nervous. What kind of trauma was I about to endure? The song is called "Video Phone;" you can't write a song about a video phone. Well, Beyoncé, being mistress of her domain (whatever that means) proved me wrong. You
can write a song about video phones, kiddies. Not a good song, but a song nonetheless. (I guess Nelly's ode to his Air Force Ones shoulda clued me in)

Next I felt confused. "What's Rihanna doing in this video?" I thought. It took me a couple seconds but I soon realized that it was Beyoncé. After my brain settled I began to feel concern. It appeared that someone had attacked Beyoncé and taken most of her clothing. I wondered why those men, who appear to be bodyguards, did nothing to prevent Beyoncé from being violated in such a manner. However, I soon realized that B was probably just on her way to the pool for a swim in her sparkly bathing suit, trench coat and leather boots. Those men are probably just on sunscreen duty.

As the video progressed I began to feel anger. What was Beyoncé doing with my favorite Star trooper bra and panties?! I want them back.

Then I was amazed! Beyoncé's backside appears to have some kind of...mystical power! It entrances men; especially those with cameras for heads.

Most of the video passed without incident up until another wave of confuzzlement washed over me. What the hell?! Why is Bette Midler in this music video? And how'd she get so young?! It wasn't until "Bette Midler" began spazzing out...I mean, dancing (?) that I realized it was Lady Gaga. And then I was just amused by how little she was compared to Queen B. (Wittle Gaga!!)

After the chair dance, I spent the rest of the video being angry that I was still watching the video.


As I've said before, I do think Beyoncé is talented and I tend to think Gaga is too. But they're too much for me! Do you see the kind of pain they put me through? The whole video was grossly unnecessary. I'm glad that Beyoncé got to channel her inner Rihanna (hair), Gaga (lots of pantslessness), Winehouse (eye makeup), and Miley (butt popping). And it warms my heart (not really) to hear her make sex noises in my ear. But none of this is new. Actually, seeing Lady Gaga almost rip her own head off
was kinda interesting. Eh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason I would watch this video again is if I wanted to induce a seizure to get out of finals. Hmm...that's not a bad idea...

ciao :]

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