Thursday, December 10, 2009

Video Vomit: "We Didn't Need to See That" Edition

The Juicebox gives you an early holiday present. Enjoy!

Ok. Let's talk about this before it gets too old. Today's vomit comes courtesy of Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. "Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga" was never a collaboration I could ever in my wildest dreams imagine. So, naturally my head almost exploded the first time I saw this video. Lucky I'm not epileptic because I almost had a seizure too.

I went through a range of emotions when I first saw this video:

Before I even clicked on the link I was nervous. What kind of trauma was I about to endure? The song is called "Video Phone;" you can't write a song about a video phone. Well, Beyoncé, being mistress of her domain (whatever that means) proved me wrong. You
can write a song about video phones, kiddies. Not a good song, but a song nonetheless. (I guess Nelly's ode to his Air Force Ones shoulda clued me in)

Next I felt confused. "What's Rihanna doing in this video?" I thought. It took me a couple seconds but I soon realized that it was Beyoncé. After my brain settled I began to feel concern. It appeared that someone had attacked Beyoncé and taken most of her clothing. I wondered why those men, who appear to be bodyguards, did nothing to prevent Beyoncé from being violated in such a manner. However, I soon realized that B was probably just on her way to the pool for a swim in her sparkly bathing suit, trench coat and leather boots. Those men are probably just on sunscreen duty.

As the video progressed I began to feel anger. What was Beyoncé doing with my favorite Star trooper bra and panties?! I want them back.

Then I was amazed! Beyoncé's backside appears to have some kind of...mystical power! It entrances men; especially those with cameras for heads.

Most of the video passed without incident up until another wave of confuzzlement washed over me. What the hell?! Why is Bette Midler in this music video? And how'd she get so young?! It wasn't until "Bette Midler" began spazzing out...I mean, dancing (?) that I realized it was Lady Gaga. And then I was just amused by how little she was compared to Queen B. (Wittle Gaga!!)

After the chair dance, I spent the rest of the video being angry that I was still watching the video.


As I've said before, I do think Beyoncé is talented and I tend to think Gaga is too. But they're too much for me! Do you see the kind of pain they put me through? The whole video was grossly unnecessary. I'm glad that Beyoncé got to channel her inner Rihanna (hair), Gaga (lots of pantslessness), Winehouse (eye makeup), and Miley (butt popping). And it warms my heart (not really) to hear her make sex noises in my ear. But none of this is new. Actually, seeing Lady Gaga almost rip her own head off
was kinda interesting. Eh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason I would watch this video again is if I wanted to induce a seizure to get out of finals. Hmm...that's not a bad idea...

ciao :]

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