Monday, August 31, 2009

Why I Love...

...The Juicebox!

Happy (Belated) 1st Birthday, Juicebox!

Technically me and la Señorita should've celebrated on August 12th - but this is close enough! I'm not gonna go into why the Juicebox is deserving of my love. If you can't figure it out for yourself than you fail at life. (Sorry, but this is the truth).
Anywayz, put on your party hats, grab a cupcake and take a look back at one year of fatassery, robots, King Kevin lovin' and Twilight hatin'.


P.S. - This year, The Juicebox's official birfday song is "Upside Down" by Diana Ross. Why? Because it's stuck in my head. And because Diana Ross is AWESOME! Man...I wish I was as crazy as Ms. Ross. She may replace Miley as my idol. Also, where do I buy hair like hers???? So jealous...
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Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dear Loving Celebrity

Dear Miranda Cosgrove,

Not all singers can dance. Not all dancers can sing. You are stuck in the middle. Please choose one.

Thank you and regards,
The Juicebox

(For evidence of this please click here and here because the girl don't want her vids embedded.)
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Saturday, August 29, 2009

WTF 2009?

I thought we were going to have a good time. Ms. K.I.A and I even told you that you looked sexy. But you had to go be a bitch. How you ask?

Well, look at everyone who was poked by the reaper. . .Actually the list is too long. Point is that you let them be poked. I know people die every day, but I don't know who those people are.

Why you have to mess with us 2009? Why?

You have few months to redeem yourself. Make us proud.

Give us the King Kevin/Patrick Stump super-band that will fix civilization. Just like Bill and Ted.
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Monday, August 24, 2009

Um I thought Discovery was mildly educational?

Usually, when you hear someone say "I love the Discovery Channel" you assume the person likes to learn. It makes sense. Discovery generally has a number of great educational programs on various kinds of science. Woo!

OK, I'll admit that some of this shows are educational, yet still play to their audience. For example Dirty Jobs (one of my favorites) has its host Mike Rowe in a number of gross-me-out situations that sometimes lead to him shirtless (which might be one of the reasons why I like it).That's the gimmick I suppose: he cleans up poop, gets it onto the camera and then there's occassionaly a silly shower scene.

Another example is Mythbusters. Now they are all degree holding sciency types, but they work in the special effects business so they know the Number 1 Rule of Cool: Making things blow up is AWESOME! I totally agree. But I also like sitting through the slower myths to get to the explosion, which is how they set up the show anyway. They try and add science and learning into the show; as their sign says WARNING: Science Content!

Now, back to the orginal point, Discovery has disappointed me. Enter the show Time Warp.

Here is what Time Warp does:

Since when is owning a slow-mo camera enough reason to have a show?

Okay, don't get me wrong. It's pretty cool to see things we think as instant in its full glory. Seeing James Hetfield's spit was gross yet cool. And the chainsaw part? That was effin' sweet. But not worthy of Discovery Channel air-time.

Why not? Well, because I didn't really learn much. Sure the octaves part (which may be in parts 2-4 of the above video) on the guy's acoustic guitar was cool to see. But they skip over the explanation a bit. I'd rather a better lesson on the math of music.

I get that not everyone wants all the science with their entertainment. And yes, seeing bubbles in slow motion is awesome, mostly because bubbles are awesome:

See that's cool right? Imagine having to sit around for an hour just to see those five minutes of awesome. Yeah, exactly. The stuff they do on Time Warp is cool, but not Discovery-Channel-hour-program cool. It's more of I'm-gonna-watch-this-on-Youtube cool.

Moral of the story: I'm dissappointed in you Discovery Channel. You have made entertainment without much education. Keep to the internet.

Now if you want more cool videos from Time Warp without the one hour sit around, go to Discovery's Youtube account. I particularly enjoyed the water balloon to the face.
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Your Fangirls Are Very Very Scary

According to Wikipedia (center of all human knowledge), the term fangirl describes "a female member of a fandom community (counterpart to the masculine "fanboy"). Fangirls may be more devoted to emotional and romantic aspects of their fandom, especially shipping" but "is commonly used in a derogatory sense to describe a girl's obsession with something." Also! "Fangirl behavior can fall anywhere in this spectrum, but the closer someone is believed to be towards the obsessive end, the more derogatory the use of the term 'fangirl' to describe them is perceived to be."

Wikipedia's being much too nice. I think they should just replace that whole section with the following: "A bunch of crazy, obsessed, delusional and horny chicks who make a person, usually a man, feel fear in his heart and genitals due to their insane amounts of 'love'" It's short, sweet, true and to the point.

Eddie Cullen
Twilight fangirls are, in general, very alarming. However, even more alarming, is the intense amount of infatuation directed toward the fictional character of Edward Cullen. Why the all the Eddie love? Well, from what I can gather Edward is really, really hot, super attentive and has a really cool car. This is all funny to me because I don't find cold, hard, marble-like skin to be hot. I also don't find it romantic to have a man watching me sleep without my permission. And I'm not that turned on by Volvos - they're quite standard, no?

But, a lot of girls (and grown women) out there would beg to differ. Eddie really is their dream guy. Just look on Facebook and you'll see numerous bumper stickers lamenting the fact that real male population is nothing compared to their hot hunk of marble. Some guys have even claimed to have their girlfriends break up with them because they couldn't live up to Eddie's standards. Now, I don't know if this is true but I can believe it.

I guess the reason Twihards scare me is because they really are obsessed with this fictional character. He seems to feed some sort of hidden fantasy that exists within a large part of the female population. Nothing wrong with some fantasizing but when fantasizing turns you into a drooling, obsessed creature that can't cope with the fictionality of a book character, than maybe you should take a breather. Or smoke some weed. I dunno...just CHILAX.

The JoBros
Once upon a time, when I would consider the nature of tween girls, I wouldn't add "rapist" to the mix. However, since the dawn of The Jonas Brothers, I've had to change my thoughts on the tweeny bopper crowd. How ironic that the super pure Jonas Brothers seem to bring out the dirtiest thoughts in their seemingly innocent fans.

(Man, I wish I'd kept screenshots of these things so I could have proof, but, since I'm the authority here, you'll just have to believe me. Or else...)

please believe me when I say there are little girls on the internetz who talk about doing dirrrtay things to Nick and Joe. King Kevin is often left out but that's ok b/c he's too good for that stuff anyway. Also scary, as a friend pointed out to me, are all the older ladies who are keeping a firm eye on resident jailbait, Nicky. (Stay strong ladies - he's got only 2 more years to go.)

I wish I could explain the fangirl love for the JoBros but this is one I honestly don't get. Is it their "music"? I mean, yeah, I guess it's annoyingly catchy. Or is it their "hotness"? I mean, I'm sorry, but Joe Jonas does not do it for me. But I can kinda see the appeal of Nick. He's got cute curly hair! And those freakishly muscular arms. Is that what it is, fangirls? Do Nick's arms turn you on?

Dunno...I guess I'll just accept their explanation that they're great "musicians" and really, very "hot." What I do know is that Mama Jonas may have a right to fear her poor wittle boys being seduced. Also, because I care, a bit of advice for Nicky: Invest in a padlock for your pants as an 18th birthday gift to yourself. You won't regret it.

Da King O' Pop
I mean, it really shouldn't be surprising that King Michael Joseph Jackson has crazy fans but it really did blow my mind that MJ has fangirls.

Now, like most of the others, I can see why MJ attracts the crazies. MJ did that odd thing that only a few people can do: successfully mix adorableness with sexiness. Not only that, MJ had the whole sensitive, loving, in-touch with his feelings thing going on that a lot of women found attractive. So I can see it...yea, I can see it.

Weirdly enough though, MJ has become a sort of Ed Cullen for his fangirls. They wish all men could be sensitive, loving and in-touch with his feelings. I can appreciate this. (I can also digg lusting after a real, albeit dead, man more than I can understand lusting after a fictional character.) But MJ, like Sr. Cullen, was far from perfect. I mean, he reeked of awesome but he obviously had a whole host of other problems that needed to be dealt with. I think all the MJ fangirls bought into his little Mickey Mouse front. I understand that it's hard, but you must look past the crotch grabbing and cute smile and see the flaws. Yes, even as an MJ fan, I believe his innocent persona was about 60% real. (And that is a precise mathematical calculation, mis amigos.) He was a smart guy so I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

But hey, some gals are into the whole "tortured soul" thing so, lust away MJ fans, lust away.

Poor RPattz!! Of all the people I've named here, I feel for him the most. Eddie Cullen isn't real so he's safe. The JoBros are pure so they're somewhat unavailable. And, well MJ is dead (sadness)...I sure hope someone is keeping his genitals safe. But RPattz...poor, poor, Robert Pattinson! He had no idea what he was getting into. Now he's being constantly bombarded by crazy, teen virgins and sex-deprived housewives!

I think RPattz love comes from two places:
(1) Ed Cullen projection and (2) Genuine attraction. We've already talked about how CRAZY Twihards are so it's really no surprise at all that their enamored with RPattz. He's the real life incarnation of oh-so-unattainable Eddie. So, these ladies, being out of their friggin' minds, show their love by violating his space and asking him to bite them. Yes, real life women really, in real, actual life, walk up to Robert Pattinson and really, actually in actual actuality ask him to bite them. You feeling his pain yet?

All I can say is that the government should look into pumping more money into mental health. RPattz is (inadvertently) breeding the crazy.

I guess we can all agree that fangirls seem to suffer from some sort of delusion problem. These men (if you consider Nick and Joe Jonas to be "men") seem to represent some romantic/sexual fantasy for these girls. So, because they can't have them, they become obsessively devoted. Fangirls cross that delicate line between fan and FAN!!!111!!!1!! A fan sees the humanity and flaws of their idol while fangirls build shrines to their perfect gods in the back of their closets. And do dirty things with their pictures...but we don't have to go there. Not today at least

Don't get me wrong though: fangirls are a great source of entertainment and I wholeheartedly support their cause. Keep on keepin' on gals! I'm right behind you enjoying a bowl of lolz.

Note: It is ALWAYS good to find a way to end your posts with the word "lolz."


P.S. A Letter to Mrs. Katherine Jackson:
Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I am sorry to inform you that your dear grandson, Prince Michael Joseph Jackson Jr., (?? I still can't figure out what your son was doing with his sons' names) has developed a fangirl following. Yes, I know your mouth is opening in horror at the soiling of your precious
12-year-old grandson's innocence. I, too, am appalled by old, krusty women referring to him (*shudder*) Please, do all that you can to keep him safe from these effed up ladies and tweenbots. For, in the blink of an eye, he will be 18 and therefore, fair game. I wish you all the best.
Much love,
Ms. KIA.

P.P.S. - Stop, hold up, name change! Thought I'd stop stealing stuff from Dana Carvey and Co.
P.P.P.S. - You're still reading?!

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Video Vomit: WTF Edition

Major WTF-ness from the video world over the last couple of weeks. Let's get recent.

First off: Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards 2009

I didn't watch this grossfest but I did hear that my idol would be performing so I had to go to YouTube and check that mess out. I was pleased to see that it wasn't a mess but actually a masterful showcase by a true performer. It has all the makings of a great performance: Acknowledgment of trailer park past? Check! Painted on booty shorts? Check! Sparkly shirt that reveals bra? Check! Stripper pole on top of an ice cream cart? Check! Song/singing that makes my ears hurt but is oddly catchy? Check and check! I don't know what they're waiting for - just give Miley the artist of the millennium award already! She's proved she deserves it.

On a more serious note - WTF?! Isn't Miley only 16 years old? That's a bit young to be whoring it up in such a major way. I know that thing wasn't necessarily a stripper pole but she sure did seem to know her way around one. Miley didn't know it but when she was presenting Britney Spears with her Lifetime Achievement Award (HA!) she was looking at a potential future her. I don't know whether to be entertained by this idea or alarmed. The evil being inside me is looking forward to being entertained. Weee!

Here's the Blessed Virgin Miley keeping it classy at the 2009 TCA

Secondly: "Best I Ever Had" music video

This video is chock-full of WTF. But even more than that, it's chock-full of major boobage. Take a gander:

Wondering why this video is so friggin'...weird? Three words: Kanye West directed. If that isn't enough of an explanation for you than I don't really know what to tell you. Now I know Aubrey Graham isn't living under a rock so he has to know, like the rest of us, that Kanye West is made of crazy. So why he even let him within 10 miles of this video is beyond me. But, I'm sure he has his reasoning. I actually like this song (How brilliant are these lyrics?:
"She call me the referee cause I be so official. My shirt aint got no stripes, but I can make ya pussy The Andy Griffith theme song..") And I don't care enough to be offended by the gross amount of cleavage. So I'll cut him some slack because it's his first mainstream video and because he's from Canada. Just stay away from Kanye next time, Drake, good buddy.

You know, sometimes I get sad and think
"Gee, excellent music and awesome, quality music videos died with Michael Jackson." But then I hear Miley's beautiful smoker's warble or get an eyeful of Double-D cleavage and I breathe a sigh of relief: "Music is gonna be alright."


P.S. - Do you feel letdown or happy on a Thursday the 13th? I feel a little letdown - who knows what interesting things could've happened had it been a Friday??
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