Sunday, January 23, 2011

Why TeenNick Sucks

Let's start with the fact that it's called "TeenNick."

Reason #1: Lack of original programming
When The-N* finally dumped her little sister "Noggin" and went 24 hours, I was quite proud of her. Now she could stretch her wings by commissioning even more guilty-pleasure, teen drama for us (me) to indulge in. But then, The-N did a very strange thing. Instead of bringing on more original programming, it initiated some kind of weird, ritualistic killing of the little original programming it had. South of Nowhere? Taken out back and shot. Beyond the Break? Died in a very suspicious knife fight. Instant Star? Drowned in a bathtub. The Best Years? Somehow landed itself in a coma. It was later revived only to be smothered to death by a fancy pillow. I'd like to point the finger at Degrassi; seeing as she's always the last one standing; it wouldn't surprise me that she was behind all this. But it's more likely some really stupid higher-ups. (I kinda like my Degrassi conspiracy theory though...)

For as long as I have watched The-N/TeenNick it has, admittedly, never had that much original programming. Some have come and gone in the blink of an eye (About a Girl and Whistler** come to mind). That's usually because they sucked. But the original programming they had that stuck around (the ones I listed above and another favorite Radio Free Roscoe) was actually pretty good. And when they weren't really that good, they still had enough charm and drama to uphold them. The-N really shot itself in the foot when they got rid of all those shows. It made no sense: Why get rid of all the original programming when you finally get to be a full-time channel? For reasons I will spell out below, it really makes the channel 1)unoriginal and 2)very monotone. Why would I tune into The-N/TeenNick when I can watch half their programs on Nick, and the other half on MTV, FX, ABC Family and the CW? Seriously, the only show I can watch on The-N that I can't find anywhere else is that shitty show, Gigantic, that I've never seen and am judging solely on the basis that it seems like a really shitty show.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that TeenNick sucks because they don't give anyone a reason to watch their channel EXCEPT for their golden child Degrassi: The Next Generation. Which brings me to...

Reason #2: Degrassi overload
Holy hell. When I go home I can't watch TeenNick because if they're not showing Degrassi then they're showing commercials about Degrassi. Every other month TeenNick has a "EVERY DEGRASSI EPISODE EVER!!!" marathon. TeenNick is so far up Degrassi's ass it hasn't seen the sun in years. I like Degrassi and I like liking Degrassi but, hot damn, watching TeenNick too much would make me hate Degrassi. A lot.

Man, TeenNick is like that one mother that has all those children but has a clear favorite. So she neglects all her other children in favor of her oh-so-precious child when what she really needs to do is LET GO.

Now, I'm not saying that TeenNick needs to cancel Degrassi. I mean, where else will I get my necessary fix of ridiculous? No, what it needs to do is calm down with the Degrassi. Its Degrassi marathons are so pathetic and it makes it really obvious that it's the only original programming they have to promote. (Besides the aforementioned shitty Gigantic which I suspect is on its way out.)

Reason #3: Nick overlap/ sucky Nick overlap
One of my biggest beefs with TeenNick is the fact that half of their programming can already be seen on Nickelodeon. I like iCarly but not enough to want to watch two episodes at once on two different channels.

But it's not just the overlap - they also pick most of Nick's worst shows. I mean, honestly, Nick only has, like, 2 good shows so they don't have a plethora of good stuff to choose from. But that's all the more reason for more original programming! No one wants to watch Zoey 101 or Victorious or Tru Jackson VP or Big Time Rush all day. Actually, I'd take Zoey 101 over those other 3; at least it's mildly amusing.

TeenNick, these crappy show are bringing you down! Why don't you stop copying Nick and become your own beautiful butterfly? Right now you're just Nick+Degrassi(-SpongeBob) and that's really no good.

Reason #4: stupid syndication options
Not only is TeenNick borrowing heavily from the crappy bin at the Nick store, it's also borrowing from the annoying bin at the Syndication store. Come on Nick, playing Fresh Prince of Bel Air, What I Like About You and That 70s Show doesn't make you a teen/young adult channel. It makes you Nick at Nite...during the day. Not to mention I can watch all those shows on ten other channels. (Actually...I already mentioned that.)

I want mindless drama, NOT billions o' sitcoms. You have all those Nick sitcoms already! How many GD sitcoms do you need?!? Degrassi is your only (decent) drama and that's nowhere near being enough. If you're so desperate to show old stuff, why not show old teen dramas? What about 90210? Or Melrose Place? Why not bring back My So Called Life, for god's sake? I know there's only one season's worth of episodes to show but, I believe in you TeenNick - you can draw it out and hype it up like no other channel I know.

You can even bring back the epic shit pile (and ultimate guilty pleasure) that is Summerland. Hell, I'd watch it everyday, just for you, TeenNick. (And to see young Zac E's lovely gap.) Just chill out with the 90s sitcoms, ok?

You're not fooling anyone TeenNick. You being called TeenNick doesn't hide the fact that you're now targeted at the little tweentards. But look here TeenNick, this tween shit doesn't vibe with me, alright? Tweens are stupid and they like stupid things. Also they're annoying. So they definitely do not deserve to hog a whole channel to themselves. So stop being stupid TeenNick execs and STEP YOUR GAME UP.

Got it?

...No??? Well, I tried...

ciao .___.

*Yes, "The-N." That's what they used to call it waaaaaaaay back in 2009
**I never watched that show. I just know the commercials always had lots of snow in it. I had to look up the name.
Keep reading...

Friday, December 31, 2010

Why I Love....

...Beef Stew (2010 Wrap-up Edition)!
(whoa! Two features merge to become one!)

The year is coming to an end and I haven't had Beef Stew in quite a while. I need my protein so let's grub.

Ya know, 2010 has been a fairly decent year. But, as usual, more things annoyed me rather than giving me that warm, fuzzy, loving feeling. So while I'd love to end the year on a purely positive note, it's just more fun this way...wouldn't you agree? Here are couple people & things that I had major beef with this year...and loved it:

Miley Cyrus
When Miley was first stretching her sexy bone back in 2009, it was pretty amusing. But 2010 came around and Miley decided short-shorts and push-up bras were not enough. All year we've been forced to look at her underage crotch and boobies while listening to her really crappy music. (Actually, thanks to those songs sucking that hard, we haven't had to hear them too much. For once the pop world gets it right and shuns the right songs. Current record: 2/1,000,000,000,000)

The thing with Miley is, try as she might, she is not and will never be sexy. And yet, no one's clued her in. As a result, we innocents continue to be tortured. I mean, it's pretty damn obvious what she's trying to do. Hannah Montana is finally being put out of it's misery and Miley, not content to just fade into oblivion and leave us all alone, is trying hard to prolong her "career" by transforming herself into an "adult" performer. (No, not that kind. Ugh,'s too early for vomit.)

What she's really doing is pissing off the parents off all the little girls that made her money and grossing the rest of us out. Oh yeah, and annoying all of us with that terribly grating voice of hers. Sorry, Miley, but all the cool, older people you're trying so hard to impress with your cooch thought you were lame before and there's not much you can do to change that. No, not even smoking salvia and getting "high."

For all these reasons you've been dethroned as my idol. Yes, it's all very sad.

Lady Gaga
I think I've mentioned a couple times before on the Juicebox that I had yet to come to a decision on the Gaga. I wasn't sure - was Lady Gaga a real, genius artist who was just too cool and avant garde for lame, old me? Or was she just a fancy famewhore who had managed to trick the masses into thinking she was a real, genius artist? Well, I've decided: Lady Gaga is just a fancy famewhore who's managed to trick the masses into thinking she's a real, genius artist.

Now, let's get this part out of the way: I don't not think that Gaga is talented. She is a good singer and she does churn out (annoyingly) catchy pop tunes. Oh yes, and as her fans love to mention, she can play the piano. *eye roll*

But a genius? A visionary? The world's most creative fashionista? PUH-LEASE! Wearing funny costumes, making catchy pop tunes and playing the piano a genius does not make. Why do you think she wears those outrageous costumes EVERYDAY, EVERYWHERE she goes? Because Gaga wants attention and wants very badly for you to not forget she exists and how WACKY, OUTRAGEOUS and AVANT GARDE she is. I mean why else would you wear these boots? (HAHAHAHA! @ her falling down)

As for the piano playing part...lots of people can play the piano and sing at the same time; it's not that difficult. And it really doesn't make her special or super-duper talented. And anyone can sing the stuff she sings about. None of it is particularly deep or meaningful. Examples:
-Telephone: Please stop calling me; I'm dancing with my friends at the club.
-Paparazzi: I'm so obsessed with you, it's like when paparazzi follows a star.
-Just Dance: Just dance.

Anyway, 2010 was the year of annoying Gaga. She tried her hand at politics, wore more stupid clothes (meat dress), made long, ridiculous videos (you're not MJ) and tried to be a fashion professor (WTF?!). Gaga 2010 wouldn't have been so bad if people would just acknowledge that she's nothing more than a overhyped pop star. And it would have been beautiful if she had just disappeared but...that's not gonna happen anytime soon, is it? *sadface*

Lindsay Lohan
UGH. This chick. How many chances does one crackhead get? And how delusional can one bitch be? *cough*DinaLohan*cough*

As almost everyone has said before, any of us normal folks would have found our asses in jail after going on a coked-up joy ride with captives in the backseat of our stolen cars. Or violating our probation. Or failing multiple drug tests. Lindsay, however, just gets herself a bit of probation. And after she violates that, she just gets a bit more. And even when her judges sprout some balls and send her to jail, she only spends a couple seconds in there.

I mean, I guess I understand...Lindsay Lohan is a prolific actress with unending amounts of talent and she must stay out of jail in order to do research for all the roles that are being offered to her. Ok, so, yeah, I guess I understand now...


Famous mistresses
Anyone can be a useless're not that special. Please go away.

Ahhh, yes, I love me some beef and those were the juiciest steaks this year had to offer. Happy End of 2010 guys! Let's hope there's more good beef in 2011.


Keep reading...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Why I Love...

...Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1!

Think of this as one of those fancy, critical "movie reviews." Except a lot less intelligent.

It feels so unnatural and wrong to say that I "loved" a Harry Potter movie because I usually strongly dislike Harry Potter movies. (And yet I go out and buy all of them and watch them multiple times...My mind works funny.) But I actually, really, genuinely liked this movie. I think it's due first and foremost to the fact that 1) Deathly Hallows is the only Harry Potter book I have yet to read more than once and 2) I haven't read it in quite a while. That really helped because I didn't have all the details of the book hanging out in my head space.

As "just a movie", I think it worked very well. The performances were really good (yes, even you, Emma). Rupert brought it like he has since the first movie and I love him for it. (Plus I suspect he's got hidden pec action going on under all those clothes which I find hot.) D.Rad has been steadily improving and it shows. And Emma, well...yeah...she wasn't bad, or whatever. Anyway, as for the other people, I liked that Bill Nighy was there, even if it was for only a couple minutes. I found Bellatrix annoying. I've never really liked Helena Boham Carter as Bellatrix but that's probably because I don't cream my panties over the character like some other Potter fans do. I'm sad that hot piece Blaise Zabini (don't know the actor's name) wasn't just randomly there for no reason because, well, he's a hot piece.

As for technical stuff, despite my 4 years of "training," I can't really say much about it critically. But from a plebeian point of view, I found the saturated color complemented the mood very well. And I found the hand-held camera (I think it was hand-held?? Either that or their Steadicam was broken) very intriguing and odd because it just popped up really randomly. Whatever.

I want to talk about the plot as a "just a movie" plot but, I really can't. Even though I don't remember the details very well, I still remember the basic plot of the book so I can't separate it from the "just a movie" plot. So, moving on to the "book adaption movie," besides the first two movies (which were probably, admittedly, pretty easy to adapt) this has been the best adaption of any of the books. I'll wait to judge the whole lack of Dumbledore's backstory since we have another 2.5 hours of plot left. Since there weren't too many "WTF?! Where is [blank]!" moments, I think they did a fairly decent job bringing this book to screen. It probably doesn't hurt that they have approx. 5 hours to do it.

As usual, I have to complain:
1)It was kinda annoying when they tried to weasel in things that they should have introduced before but couldn't until now. I can't recall any off the top of my head but it would be something like, "Oh, look, there's RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR, the Minister of Magic who came to power after Fudge stepped down about two years ago. I wonder what he's doing here?"

2)Why why why did Harry and Ron not have their heart-to-heart after he destroyed the Horcrux??? It wouldn't take that long and it was important in finally defining Harry and Hermione's relationship as strictly platonic. Ugh. Steve Kloves is totally a Harry/Hermione shipper.

3)When I read the book I was mostly looking forward to Ron's quasi-emotional breakdown at Malfoy Manor when Hermione was getting tortured. They were all so chill down there while Hermione was getting tortured (which wasn't as hardcore as it should've been) and that was annoying. Like I said, I'm convinced Kloves is a H/Hr shipper AND that he hates Ron because he never wants to show Ron or Hermione showing extreme affection for each other. And that annoys me. Because I found Ron's wailing and shouting and crying for Hermione really moving in the book.

4) There were some dumb unnecessary sequences like 1)Snape going to Hogwarts, 2) Neville on the train to Hogwarts, 3)that really stupid bit where Hermione was like "Put up the tent," then they faded to a shot of the tent, then faded out again. That was stupid.

Besides that stuff, and some other stuff that I've been told was important and missing, the movie was really good. I was pleasantly surprised and that was nice. (Also the theater I went to had caramel popcorn! How awesome is that?! I mean, it kinda sucked and got really stuck in my teeth but it was still really cool.) I'm cutting them a lot of slack since there's a second half of the movie. So, HP movie-makers, you have escaped my wrath this time. Nice going because I was totes sharpening my machete.



P.S. - I wonder if I'll suddendly hate it after finally re-reading the book? Hmm....
Keep reading...

Friday, November 5, 2010

All Hail King Kevin! . . . Again!

It's that's time of year!

Man it's been quite a year for our man, King Kevin. He's now 23, married, officially in a band with all adults, and the proud owner of a Steve sweater. Happy Birfday, yo. We'll see you for the big 2-4. (It's big because the first is the square root of the latter.)

PS Estherocket has a November 5th post too. It's wonderfully nerdier though.
Keep reading...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Why I Love...

... Rock of Ages, the musical.

So I've shown my concern about certain rock musicals in the past. I love me a good rock opera (I mean, hello! JC Superstar?), but it's hard to take music we already know and love and make them work on Broadway. So when Estherocket (you know from We're Tight Like Lithium and Beryllium) initially mentioned Rock of Ages, a musical full of 80's hair metal, the Lady Friend and I were hesitant and instead picked the other option, Million Dollar Quartet. (It was awesome, JSYK.) Rock of Ages would have to wait.

For those who don't know, the basic plot of RoA follows Drew and Sherrie in their Sunset Strip love story, narrated by the fabulously mulleted Lonny, and with classic hair metal songs to sing alone with. But even with mullets and great music I was hesitant. I mean, come on; I'd seen what
Broadway had done to Green Day. I was afraid of what it would do to the 80's awesomeness. Plus, Constantine Maroulis was the star. American Idol people aren't real people.

Anywho, the touring company stopped in Boston these past two weeks and I gave in to my fears and went. This is what we saw:

Per usual, Estherocket was right. It was a-to-the-muther-effin-awesome. In fact, we saw it twice.

(Imma be Lonny for Halloween next year. I would this time around but I'm all set for Tank Girl. Also, the touring girl, Rebecca Faulkenberry has a better voice for this show/music.)

Tomorrow is the last day for Boston, but
the rest of the country is next in line for face-melting greatness.

An American Idol dude won me over. Who knew?

PS youtube some videos of Constantine singing "Midnight Radio". It's awesome. I'd love to see him as Hedwig.
Keep reading...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why I Love...

...old school Late Night with Conan O'Brien clips!
(whoo! that was a mouthful)
(not really)

I was gonna love "Skins" this month but I only have 3 hours til September is over. Loving fail! I won't procrastinate next time.

Anyway, there's no reason not to give any last minute love to old school Conan O'Brien. I'm always tardy for the party so I didn't really start watching Conan until he took over the Tonight Show and even then I didn't watch him religiously. But I do have love for Conan's awkwardness, his sense of humor and his great knack for self-deprecation. He obviously doesn't take himself too seriously and it makes for some great fun.

The above video is my absolute favorite old school Conan clip that I've found (Particularly the English muffin bit...Don't give me that look. Watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about. Geez...) And here are a couple others that gave me a serious case of the giggles:


P.S. - Happy October!
Keep reading...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Holy Legal!

Today is Nick Jonas' 18th birthday. I was gonna be all "Poor Nick! His crazy fangirls will attack him in the streets and tear his clothes off in want of his now legal body!"

...Then I remembered no one cares about the JoBros anymore; there's a new JB in town. (The Biebster, in case you didn't pick up on that. I thought it was pretty clever, ya know? Since they both have the initials JB. Yeah...I'm mighty clever.)

Lucky you, Nick. You're in the clear. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief and go back to being the most boring JoBro.*

Happy Birfday, Nick!

* Kevin = most royal/awesome Jonas; Joe = most annoying/really annoying Jonas

Keep reading...