Friday, April 24, 2009

Twilight: The Non-Sucky Version

Hehe...That was sorta a vampire joke. Cute, huh?

Anywho, the other day was I thinking..."Ya know, Twilight doesn't have to be as bad as it is. With some minor plot and character tweaks, it could really be a good book." So, I wanted to offer Stephanie Meyer some suggestions for if, in her next life of course, she chooses to write this book again. I would really hate for future people to once again have to be tortured by Mrs. Meyer's horrendous "saga."

First thing's first - De-Mary Sue Bella. In other words, Bella needs to not be little Ms. Perfect-And-Loved-By-All. (Whew - that's a long name!) This chick needs not only some actual likable qualities but also some actual flaws. Sorry, but being clumsy is not a character flaw - that is an inner ear imbalance that she needs to get checked out. We can expand on what her character is now. What if she had some sort of superiority complex? She just thinks she's better than everyone. Or, what if she's painfully shy? She'd rather sit by herself and read books than make and effort to meet people. Or, what is she's too dependent on others? She can't seem to make decisions w/o the help of someone else. If she had one of these flaws or any other flaw that real humans have then 1) She'd be more believable and 2) She'd have some room to grow in the plot. Current Bella Sue does not change at all from the beginning of Twilight until the end; she does not grow or make any progress. All her current "flaws" (which, mind you, are continually excused rather than acknowledged) are still intact when the story ends. There's nothing wrong with that but if they could be tested in some way then that would make up for it. Now on to...

Mr. Perfect himself, Edward. I think Twilight would be so much more interesting if we kept Eddie as is - charming, mysterious, dominating, jealous...handsome (and every other word hat follows in the thesaurus entry). Instead, we make him a real vampire. Forget all the vegetarian stuff - it's lame. Let's just have the Cullens do their hunting elsewhere - they can keep their intelligence. Also, let's get rid of those dumb powers. They're stupid. Now, let's make Eddie cold and calculating. We'll keep the love aspect (expounded on later) but we'll have Eddie's thirst for Bella's blood override it. Cool, now we move on to...

(awkward transition)
As for all the other minor characters, Charlie won't be such a wuss and he'll make more of an effort to get to know his daughter. Bella's mom (don' t remember her name & don't care enough to look it up) will stay the same. Except, Bella would've left her Mom out of jealousy NOT b/c she's oh-so-noble as Mrs. Meyer's would have us believe. All the Forks people won't give a damn that Bella is the new girl. And we won't have every guy in town crushing on her - I think Ed and Jacob are enough. And we'll give her a girlfriend that she actually likes and connects with and one who actually likes her too. Maybe one that she can trust to tell the Cullen's secret to? We'll see. But for now...

The "love" story. Our Twilight version will not include quotes around the word love. Here's my idea. We'll keep a little of Mrs. Meyer's lore since the scent thing is a little interesting. Eddie will know he's got mad thirst for Bella's blood but he'll try to get close to her first to lure her in. As he gets to know her, he finds that he's falling for her. This will require a real friendship forming between the two of them first and not some "Oh my God...I love you!" moment. I also think Bella should spurn Eddie at first - just to complicate things in a realistic way. Now, I think this causes an actual conflict for our lovers. I also think the vampire reveal should happen later in the story. But now you're like, "This can't just be a love story!" And you're right, let's complicate things even further.

The chase. Oh my dear God up above in heaven...the chase part of Twilight was the most tedious and disgusting. So let's improve it. Let's have a conspiracy - everyone likes a conspiracy. Let's say that Eddie hires someone to kidnap Bella at a certain time for him to finally get his goods. But, as he falls for her, he changes his mind. Too bad for him, the bad guy and his team (Yes, James and his friends can stay) want the money (or whatever) they were promised so they go after her anyway. And, to test our new Bella, she doesn't have any Cullens on her side. She goes on her own or...enlists the help of her friends. Either way, she runs on her own but eventually gets caught. Of course, the truth about Eddie and his undeniable thirst comes out somewhere before she confronts him. Ok, now for the ending...

Someone must DIE! And no, it's not Romeo. (I made another funny!) Unfortunately for Twilight fans I will not let the "saga" go on. So here's two options: 1) Bella dies. Eddie gets what he wants (sucks her dry) and must live with the consequences. But that ending is a little blah. We wanted our Bella to have some sort of growing experience so maybe 2) Edward dies. She is forced to kill Edward because, even though she loves him, she knows he can't leave the vampire part of himself behind. How's that for character growth??

I don't know about you but, I'm liking this new Twilight. But we have to deal with the elephant in the room. Or should I say werewolf? Jacob was the only part of New Moon that I could stand. He would've been the reason I read on but eh, I hear he gets annoying too. So what to do about him? I say he stays and is, like he is in Twilight, the potential other man. But I say he remains what I like to call The Gordo. (Thanks Lizzie McGuire) He's the nice guy that wants the girl's affections but stays put in the friendship place b/c not only is he just that loyal, it's what he appreciates most about the relationship between him and the girl. So he can hate Eddie and his vampire-ish ways. That fits. But what I want to retain the most is the friendship aspect b/t him and Bella. One redeeming quality of the Twilight saga (of what I read) was that Bella and Jacob had not only the most developed relationship but also the most realistic. And this is despite the fact that it was still drenched in the yucky fanfiction and Mary Sue sweat that seeps out of Mrs. Meyer's pits. Ugh. I don't want them to be together at the end - that would scream fanfiction. They can just stay friends.

Anyway, those are my suggestions. I think they're good but that's because I know I'm the best. *shrug*


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