Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pop Culture Justice: You Stole My Song and Made It Smell Like Crap

No better way to start off the New Year than with a brand new feature...Woo hoo! Welcome to Pop Culture Justice where I, the Honorable Judge Cuteness, dish out pop culture justice that has long been overdue. Please, sit back, and ENJOY.
Disclaimer: Because I know nothing about law proceedings, this feature will in no way, shape or form resemble a court case. If you want something that slightly resembles a court case, I'd suggest Law and Order: SVU. Only SVU, mind you. The other ones kinda suck now.

Disney and Nick have proved to me that these days zero talent is needed to become a successful pop star. Not that certain artists haven't already showed me this fact but these two have just helped to drive the point home. In the Disney/Nick star-making process, a necessary step is the SONG. Besides incessant TV spots, unnecessary products and magazine covers, these aspiring teen pop stars need actual SONGS to sing. (Believe it or not, these SONGS happen to be the core of a music career) Now, network execs are usually working on a pretty sizable crop of potential pop stars, so they can't bother to go through the annoying business of writing original songs for these kids to sing. Pssh. What do you think this is? These execs need to come up with fast, easy SONGS for the kiddies to "sing." So what do they do? The trend seems to be: 1) borrow from obscure British pop bands/singers, 2) olden timey people the younguns have never heard of or 3) failure singers who weren't Disney or Nick enough to have anyone notice they were attempting to make music. #1 seems to be the most popular.

So, you're like, Ok - nothing really wrong with a little borrowing. And I agree. Art is def about using the world around you to create your own art. Sometimes this involves inspiration by other people's art. But I being to disagree with borrowing when all you do is ruin songs with your "singing" and make my precious ears bleed.

This is an injustice. Not only to my ears but also to the people that put so much time into making these songs. Yes, some of them sucked the first time around but that just gives more reason as to why they should have been left alone. For too long, diva Nick and Disney "singers" have been ruining the lives of these original artists and the general public.

But justice will be served.

Plaintiff: Sugababes (British girl group I've never heard of)
Defendant: Miranda Cosgrove (seen in Drake and Josh and iCarly)
Complaint: Ms. Cosgrove covered their hit single (so I read on Wikipedia) "About You Now" while doing nothing to help the common belief that white people can't dance

Verdict: The defendant, Ms. Cosgrove made many errors in her execution of the song "About You Now." First of all, she can't sing...not very well at least. The next major mistake was the way the music video was executed. Although not entirely Ms. Cosgrove's doing, she did agree to partake in the abomination and should therefore be treated like the criminal she is.

Here are music video highlights that make the Sugababes winners: tight clothing, London backdrop, ample cleavage, hot lead dude, dissing of handicapped people, bridges, sultry wall humping and jumping over things. Especially impressive was the jumping over things whilst dissing handicapped people.

Here are mistakes that Ms. Cosgrove and her team made: not hot enough lead dude, weird floppy hat, bad dancing, NO CLEAVAGE, lame-ass Mall of America backdrop and solo photo booth cheesing (LAME!). Although Ms. Cosgrove made small efforts by wearing shiny shoes and including a fun escalator ride, this does not excuse the fact that she ruined the pop masterpiece "About You Now."
Therefore, I find her GUILTY!

Sentence: Ms. Cosgrove will be required to be trapped in her show-within-a-show (the grossly unfunny webshow iCarly) for 3 whole seasons. Hopefully there she will learn how to sing and how to hump a wall in a sultry fashion.

Plaintiff: Busted (another Brit group that has recently joined my knowledge pool)
Defendant: The Jonas Brothers (seen...well, freakin' everywhere!)
Complaint: The pussyfication of such songs as "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000"

Verdict: It's kinda ok to be lame but starting out lame is not a good idea for a "music career." Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made this grave mistake when they covered the songs "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000" by British sensation, Busted. The original "What I Go To School For" featured the touching story of a student's love for his hot teacher. In the end of the story, both the teacher and student express their love for each other and ride off into the sunset. A happy ending - not unlike the fairytale romance between Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. *sigh* The 3 Jonases, however, made this song stupid and shallow by making if about a freshman kid's crush on a senior. Ugh. Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas, in an effort to make their song more kid friendly (aka pussyfication), diminished the artistic value of this masterful song.

The Jonas Brothers also caused heads to turn and eyes to widen with their crazy rendition of "Year 3000." Yes, it is true that the two songs aren't very different BUT they altered two key components of the song's amazingness. 1) They eliminated the mentioning of triple-breasted naked ladies and 2)They changed "and your great-great-great granddaughter is pretty fine" to "and your great-great-great granddaughter is doing fine"...WTF! See, the Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made a big mistake by altering this song. We all know that the Jonases main fanbase consists of delusional tween girls. The Jonases could be making even more money if they had kept these lyrics and appealed to horny teen boys. Some people just don't use their brains.
For these reasons, I find the defendants GUILTY!

Sentence: I sentence the Jonas Brothers to go on a 3 year tour with Miley Cyrus where they will only be allowed to play "Mandy." Also, Kevin must entertain us with his guitar spinning the whole song. Pure torture.

Well, I can't really think of any more. If you have some pop culture injustice that you want dealt with, just bring it to Judge Cuteness' court.

Also, check out these music videos and see what YOU think:

Sugababes: "About You Now"
Miranda Cosgrove: "About You Now"
Busted: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"
JoBros: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"

Court is adjourned.

Random aside: I lurve the Jonas Brothers because, as far as they're concerned, they're the hottest shit to have ever walked the planet earth. I just stumbled upon this video looking for their other music videos: JoBros - Superstition (Cover)
Now, why are those little girls lying to Nick Jonas? They have no clue who Stevie Wonder is.
One good thing about this little show, or whatever it is, is that the stage was anointed with the holy sweat of all those Blessed Virgins gracing the stage.
Oh, and I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I first skipped ahead to find Nick yelling in my ears and then skipped one more time to hear Joe's grating voice. Why can't I hear the angelic voice of Kevin?? I know - his vocal powers are much too extreme.
The world isn't ready yet.

(Kevin Jonas ftw!)

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