Top 5 Best Worst Degrassi Couples

Welcome, my friends, to the final Degrassi Top 5. For the time being, of course, because really, I could do these all day. Hm...that's a thought...
Anyway, on to the best worst couples on Degrassi. These are the couples that are either so bad or so meh that I can do nothing but smile, laugh or shake my head in amused shame. Usually all three. Each couple is the best worst in their own special way so I'm sure you'll enjoy this one. Alright kiddos, let's do this.

5. Trick (Terri and Rick)

     I don't know if Trick is the proper way to refer to the Terri and Rick pairing but, I'm under the impression that no one cared enough to give them a name. I think it fits though because Rick tricked Terri into thinking he was a sane person. HAHAHAHA....

._.

     Anyways, Terri and Rick weren't really that fascinating. But they were good because they brought us a new Degrassi "Issue of the Week" in a pretty decent fashion. The relationship development was a little fast (this was when Degrassi writers still pretended they knew the meaning of "development") but they made up for it by bringing Rick back to try and kill Terri with a boulder. And to give birth to Wheelchair Jimmy. So yay! Degrassi writers for a well-used and well-crafted recurring character.
     Trick was also good because it gave Hazel something to do (I think?). Hazel only had something to do when it came to being Paige's "yes" lady, kissing on Jimmy or telling people they've been abused. Well, there was the one time Hazel pretended to be Jamaican but, who cares? We've already established no one cares about Hazel. Trick also gave Terri something to do. Before Rick, she was just the fat chick whose mom died (Geez. She told that damn "My mom died" story all the time. Ok, Terri! We get it - your mom died). Like Hazel, the writers figured the only way to make Terri interesting was to put her in a relationship. At least they got it right with Terri and brought the drama.

     On the other side, Terri + Rick were bad for one obvious reason: beating on your girlfriend ain't nice. It's also not nice to be a psycho control freak and bash said girlfriend's head open with rocks. Ok, he didn't bash her with a rock, per se. But he put her in a coma, for God's sake! Not cute. Terri and Rick were also bad for other less obvious reasons: the chick that played Terri was a less-than-stellar actress and her beau, the dude that played Rick, was annoying to look at. I would have preferred if Rick was hot-creepy instead of plain, old creepy. 

     Even though their acting was sub-par and their "love" was kinda gross, Trick was a chance for the Degrassi writers to show the big girls some love...Even if that love consisted of sticking her with a psycho weirdo, putting her in a coma, then booting her off of the Degrassi island.

Close your legs, Terri. That's not very lady-like.

Wait. Damn. That's harsh. Even Hazel got a better send-off then that.

4. Jashley 2.0 (Jimmy and Ashley)

     Ah, Jashley. Jashley was our first taste of a Degrassi power couple until Spaige came along and showed us how it was really done. Anyway, Jashley 2.0 is the Season 5 finale resurrection of the once-dead relationship. (I'm ignoring their brief resurrection in Season 2)

     Jashley was golden for one main reason: the mega-bitch that is Ashley Kerwin made her triumphant return. All hail Ashley!  I think that Paige and Emma duke it out, in the minds of the fans that is, for the title of Degrassi's Original Bitch (correct me if I'm wrong). I have to give the crown to Ashley though because I think she deserves it. She initially showed us this during her original stint on Degrassi in it's first four seasons. She was being nice for a while when she returned and I was kinda sad. But then! Then, the real Ashley returned for that one Season 6 episode where Ashley deletes Jimmy's rap off their demo track because she is jealous of Wheelchair Jimmy's supa fly, hip-hop flow

._.

     So, the only reason Jashley wins is because it brought back bitchy Ashley who was the only character, besides Paige, of course, who was brave enough to embrace the bitchiness, caress the bitchiness and love the bitchiness.
     Also, if you've ever wanted to see Ashley in her bra and panties, then this is the relationship for you. Oh! And if you wanted to see Jimmy's boner you'd like Jashley 2.0. I mean, we saw Spinner's so, why not?

*mwah* There! Now we both still have a reason to be on the show.

         But, overall, Jashley is a major fail. This was Degrassi just throwing people together AS USUAL. First, Jimmy gets his heart broken by Ellie (HAHAHAHAHAHA!). (I love Jimmy but relationship-wise he always gets the short stick. Having a crush on Ellie? I think the wheel chair straps were squeezing his legs to tight and cutting off blood to his brain.) Then Ashley, fresh off of a plane from London, is all, "I love you, Jimmy!" It was so weird and so incredibly random that no one genuinely questioned it because we weren't sure what we had just seen. Us: "Wait. Did Ashley just kiss Jimmy? When was the last time they even talked? Huhhhh? Oh well." Basically Jashley 2.0 is the first indication that Degrassi writers were about to give up. (Spoiler alert: they give up somewhere around the middle of Season 7).

"Uhh...why did you just do that?"

   I really think the writers just felt bad for leading us (and Jimmy) on with the whole fake-me-out Ellie romance so they just stuck him with someone familiar. A convenient someone who had yet to graduate because she was too busy being bitchy in London: "I'm not American. I'm Canadian, dumb ass!...HOCKEY!"

3. Patt (Paige and Matt, aka. Mr. O)

Watch the horn, dude.

     Another made up 'ship name from yours truly. As you can tell by their being on this list, I'm not too wild about Paige and Mr. O. However, one of the winning points of this pairing though is the funness (that's a word) of a secret, elicit, romance. Besides Craig screwing Manny on the side, this was the first secret, Degrassi relationship. It was fun watching Paige and Mr. O try to avoid anyone finding out they were making out in closets and eating lemon squares in the park. Also, Patt gave us two of Degrassi's finer moments: 1) The Manny and Paige GIRL FIGHT. (Although it was pretty lame compared to Emma and Alex's throwdown) and 2) "You're dumping me? And giving me drugs?" So delightfully bad and soo very LOL-worthy.

      On the bad side, Mr. O was kinda gross. I'm guessing he was half-rhino or half-unicorn because, for some odd reason, he was sprouting a horn of some sort right in the middle of his forehead. He never completely transformed and of this I am deeply saddened because I was always hoping Mr. O would transform into a pretty unicorn and gallop away with Marco on his back into the Land of Fantastical Rainbows. Ok, I never really hoped for this. But now, thinking back on it, it would've been a much more fitting send off for them, right?
     More bad: Paige and Mr.O's epically lame break-up. (See the above "dumping and giving me drugs" quote.) I mean, it didn't make any sense. "Yeah, sorry Paige. I'm gonna go be a teacher in the Yukon. But here, have some weed to remember me by. See ya later!" I know they were just trying to get him outta the way so they could pave the way for Palex but, come on now, there are much better ways to do it.

"Man...I wish Marco was here."

2. Jiberty (JT and Liberty)

JT makes out with a bowl of oatmeal

     I just can't get into the Liberty and JT pairing mostly because I thought they were kinda...nasty. Why "nasty"? Well, because of Liberty, of course. As any Degrassi fan knows, Liberty crushed on JT since forever. But it was always annoying, never cute. You got the impression that you would never see the two of them together because Liberty was constantly butthurt over something while JT was the resident joker and free-spirit. Not a good combo in my book. So it was weird when the writers suddenly decided JT should return those feelings. I mean, I don't hate Liberty as much as some people do; she was much more bearable in her last couple of seasons. But her and JT? No, I didn't buy it.(I also didn't buy that JT would pick Liberty over smokin' hot, meatball sub, Mia. But then Pia came along and I'm now sure, more then ever, that JT was smarter than he looked.)

     But it wasn't just Liberty. Their "chemistry" was kind of nasty too. It was just gross watching them make out with each other and be all lovey dovey. Not as gross as the nightmarish Liberty and Toby kiss we were forced to endure (*shudder*) but almost just as bad. Their dialogue always came off as extra corny (JT started talking very strangely when he got with Liberty). I never really bought that JT would all of sudden be into Liberty as much as I could buy her still pinning after him for all those years. There was just nothing sexy about their tragic, young love and I like my tragic love sexy, dammit!

Oh lordy...

     Despite all that, we did get our second pregnancy thanks to Jiberty. Before Degrassi writers got bored and just started re-writing their characters and storylines (we all know Clare, Alli, Connor and KC were a lame attempt to recreate the Fantastic Foursome/sometimes Fivesome of Emma, Manny, JT, Toby and Sean), they seemed to actually be able to recreate some themes without it seeming super redundant. Liberty's pregnancy was completely different from Manny's. First of all, she wasn't a piece on the side. Secondly, she decided to give the baby up for adoption. Thirdly, JT played a much bigger baby-daddy role then Craig did and brought drama of his own to the drama party. And lastly, Liberty's pregnancy was completely unexpected. Liberty was supposed to be Ms. Responsible so it was interesting seeing what she went through. Anyways, I say kudos to Degrassi for a job well decently done.


1. Parcy (Peter and Darcy)

Manny struggles to hold back the puke as she witnesses "true love"

PARCY!!!!!!!!!!

     Aw man, words cannot begin to describe my love for the pairing of Peter and Darcy. They were Degrassi's own Romeo + Juliet. The most epic of Degrassi couples since the beginning of Degrassi time. The height of all Degrassi love, sacrifice and heartfelt sorrow. The master Degrassi combo of creeper-ness and fantastical weaves. Parcy: the very best worst Degrassi couple ever.
     As you might have gathered, I'm very fond of Parcy. They epitomize what a Degrassi best worst couple should be. While you shake your head at their lame, contrived drama, the annoying antics they get up to and their extremely bad dialogue, you continue to giggle in sheer delight every time they grace the screen and you think to yourself, "Gee, I hope this never ends!" Unfortunately, it always does. :'(
     So what's so bad about Parcy? Well, every thing that's good.

Secret lovers caught in their passionate tryst.

   Darcy was further proof that Degrassi girls are dumb as rocks. After Peter lies to her constantly and almost gets her raped by a Kevin Smith look-a-like, Darcy decides she's madly in love with Mr. Stone and that their destined for eternal love. Only at Degrassi. Then the DRAMA commenced. I could be good here and look up why it is that Peter and Darcy decided they just couldn't be together in public, but I'm too lazy. Also, I suspect it was some strange delusion of theirs that made them think that way anyway. But, off the top of my head, I think it had something to do with Peter being in trouble with his mommmy and not being allowed to kiss on girls.After they solved that non-dilemma, Peter and Darcy were left to prance through Degrassi halls whining at each other and being stupid.
     Kinda like Pia, the worst part of the Darcy + Peter equation was the annoying chick involved: Darcy. Miss high and mighty. (And somehow Spirit Squad captain even though Manny had been there much longer.) Darcy was one of the most annoying Degrassi characters ever and even though she sorta mellowed out when she was with Pete, she still made me want to punch her in the weave. Wait, no, not the weave; I love her Raggedy Anne weave. Don't get me wrong though, Darcy was one of those classic "love to hate her" characters for me so I was a bit sad when she left. But only a bit!
     On a (rare) serious note, one good thing about Parcy was how they factored in to Darcy's rape storyline - one of the saving grace's of season 7, IMO. Peter did a good job being the supportive boyfriend so, for most of season 7, you forgot that Parcy was a dumb couple and actually rooted for them to make things work.
     The best part of Parcy, though, was how incredibly contrived they were and the humour that ensued from such a fact. I already mentioned the stupid way they got together. But also stupid was the fact that the two of them had absolutely nothing in common. It wasn't even like Liberty and JT who had been (sorta) friends for a while or Sean and Emma who just worked because they just did. I mean, the dude almost set a sexual predator on her and she forgets after a couple of weeks. Once they got together though, Degrassi really took it to another level with their lame and hilarious dialogue. Feast your eyes on these gems (exclamations added for increased dramatic effect):

~Darcy: "Peter...you are my prince!"


~Peter: They're sending me away! I've got nothing to lose except you! 
   Darcy: Peter - you got me!"


~Darcy: Your mom can't keep us apart, Peter! I believe that love conquers all!"

     I mean, these are really bad but, they're exactly why I love Parcy. We have delusional writers thinking their fans are dumb enough to fall for the intense, whirlwind "romance" between two delusional characters and that combination creates some of the best of the worst Degrassi coupledom ever.
Ah, young, delusional love.

*****


P.S. - Question: I'm curious. Who do you think is Degrassi's Original Bitch?
P.P.S. - I'm gonna take a break from Degrassi Top 5s for now but there will be more in the future. :)

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY JUICEBOX!

 *sniff* 

They grow up so fast.

Most pictures are actually mine! Aren't you proud of me? "Parcy" pictures courtesy of Boycott the Caf and the Degrassi website. No copyright infringement intended. 
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Why I Love...

...Avatar: The Last Airbender!

Even though the ratio of decent:crappy tv on Nick is dangerously close to Disney's, Nickelodeon has it's few advantages that tip them over the edge. I've already discussed one earlier (iCarly) and now it's time to give some love to another one - Avatar: The Last Airbender. With kids' television in the shitter, it's shows like Avatar that give me hope for the young ones today.

First, what I love about Avatar is that it's not another kids' show about singing/dancing little morons who want to be famous. In fact, the Avatar world is pretty awesome. For those of you who don't know, in the Avatar universe, some people (called "benders") have the ability to manipulate the elements (fire, earth, air & water). The Avatar, who is supposed to keep the peace between the four nations, is the only one capable of bending all four elements. Avatar tells the story of a young airbender, avatar Aang, and his mission to master fire, earth and water so he can defeat the evil firelord. At its most basic, it's a pretty standard hero/villain storyline but, the bending & avatar lore mixed in with real Asian cultural influences makes for a very compelling story. (Plus, bending the elements? You know that's cool - don't lie.)

Another great part of Avatar are the characters; especially Aang. Aang has to be one of the most optimistic Chosen Ones I've ever seen. It doesn't take long for him to stop lamenting the fact that he's the Avatar and take full responsibility for his Avatar duties. He's no Buffy or Harry; constantly whining about how tough it is to be Chosen and how sad it is they aren't normal. (Whiny bitches...) Aang's a kid that still likes to have fun and that attitude makes the show a lot more accessible (and a lot less depressing than it has the potential to be). Plus he's freakin' adorable! Also great are Sokka and our favorite little scarred baddie, Zuko (Rufio! Rufio!).*

One of the best elements of the show, though, is the amount of effort the creators put into researching various cultures (mostly Asian) and incorporating them in the show. In fact, I learned something interesting from Avatar. The way they choose the Avatar in the show is based off of the selection of the Dalai Lama. Like the Dalai Lama, the avatar is a reincarnation. They choose the Avatar (and the Dalai Lama) by giving various toys to a group of children. Whichever child chooses the same toys that Avatar has chosen in a past life determines his or her status as the Avatar (Dalai Lama).

Avatar draws from various other Asian traditions, including Buddhism, Hinduism and general Japanese and Chinese culture. There are even elements of Inuit culture in Sokka and Katara's water tribe. Also (I'm almost done nerding out here), the bending styles and weapons used in the show are based on varying styles of martial arts. I find it really admirable that the show's creators and team would put so much effort into a "kids' show."

However, what's most cool about Avatar has to be the ample amounts of kid-friendly, badassery. First, our resident BAMF Aang who is, for sure, a master of airbending. Going hand-in-hand with his epic airbending skills are his BAMF tats. Yes, 12 year old (technically 112 but, whatevs) Aang has got himself some nice arrow tattoos that get all glowy when he goes into ultimate-BAMF mode, aka The Avatar State. Also, there's Katara, who, once she masters it, goes hard with the waterbending. Then there's Sokka who, although he's lacking in the bending department, can definitely hold his own. Also laden with BAMF tendencies is Toph, the little blind earthbending prodigy who'll give you a boulder to the head if you look at her wrong. Wait...

Anyway, the bad guys are pretty cool too (Zuko, Azula, Uncle Iroh, etc) but I've used BAMF enough so I'm just gonna move on.**

As for the movie, well, I haven't seen it yet but I heard M. Night took a big poo-poo on it so I think I'll just away from that one for a bit. At least we have some great source material to fall back on. For what could've been a lame anime knock-off, Avatar's done a great job creating interesting storylines and epically cool characters. Probably the greatest part about it is that you don't have to be embarrassed to enjoy it if you happen to be over the age of 12.

Not that I would be embarrassed because, I mean, I have no shame. *shrug*

ciao!

*I LOVE DANTE BASCO.

**Almost forgot the ultimate bad ass: APPA.

THE END.

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Why I Love...

... Michael Jackson's Off the Wall!


I feel bad for Off the Wall. Off the Wall is like the neglected younger sibling of Michael Jackson's (adult era) solo album family. Thriller is the annoyingly lovable eldest brother who everybody knows and adores. Bad is the cool, chill older brother who gets laid every weekend. HIStory is the moody, angry brother who you like sometimes but hate others. And...um, I don't have any clever family metaphors for Dangerous or Invincible but that's ok because I think you get the idea. Invincible aside, I think Off the Wall is one of Mike's most forgotten solo works. Which is a shame because I think it's one of his finest pieces.


Maybe I shouldn't say forgotten: Of course, no one can forget "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" and "Rock With You" but, most casual fans wouldn't be familiar with the other ear morsels (!) that the album has to offer.


Nugget of Knowledge: Off the Wall may be the first in the mind of some but, it is actually MJ's fifth solo studio album. (His first four solo albums were released under the Motown label back in the day.)


This little nugget of knowledge brings me to my first point of love: Off the Wall was when we got to see Mikey forreals. At this point in time, his creativity was no longer being confined by Berry Gordy & Co. Although Mike and his brothers had left Motown a while ago and had had more say in their music for some time, audiences could now enjoy MJ's freedom without having to expend extra effort trying to ignore his brothers in the background. (Except for Jackie who was, and still is, hot. And Marlon who was, and still is, ROCKIN' that mustache.) OtW was the first indication that Michael Jackson was not to be a child star that would fade into oblivion. He had [song]writing and composing chops in addition to his already proven singing chops. And he was serious about the music business - Off the Wall was MJ's first solo assault on the music industry. It should be renamed I'm HERE: You Bitches Best Get Used to Me.


Off the Wall was also a good plot foreshadowing of the happier times in the life of Michael Joesph Jackson, especially his musical success. It happened to be the first collaboration between him and Quincy Jones, a power duo that would churn out the subsequent mega-albums Thriller and Bad. It was also the first combination of MJ and British singer/songwriter, Rod Temperton. Rod wrote "Rock with You" for Off the Wall and would later go on to write the song "Thriller." OtW was a nice precursor to Thriller. It laid the groundwork for the collaborations that would bring Mikey big time success.


What I love most about Off the Wall though, is that we get young, happy Michael Jackson. The album was released in August of 1979, a couple weeks before his 21st birthday. I'm not sure how far back in history you have to go to find a carefree MJ, but I think if you stop at 1979 then you probably don't need to bother to go back much further. Yes, Mike was probably one of the most popular people in the world by then and yes, he was probably already a bit jaded by fame. But I don't think you ever again see the confident, carefree, happy Micheal that you see on Off the Wall; not musically at least. Michael Jackson was definitely an artist who could tell his audience where he was at with his music so you can tell there's a difference between Off the Wall-MJ and Thriller-MJ, a mere 3 years down the line.


A nice example of young, carefree, fraking adorable Michael Jackson (bow-tie!):



Besides all the implications of the album, the music itself is what really rocks my boat. Besides being a nice wrap-up to the disco era, Off the Wall is also pretty damn timeless. "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," written and composed by Mike himself, is an absolute masterpiece. (Really, DSTYGE is saturated in awesome.) "Off the Wall" is a really fun and light "just chilax" tune. "Workin' Day and Night" has to be one of the happiest laments of a whipped boy who ain't gettin' any AND it's funky to boot.* And the unbridled joy of "Get on the Floor" (in addition to that killer bass line) makes it one of my favorite new MJ discoveries.


If you haven't heard the other stuff on Off the Wall than I highly suggest you hop on over to Wikipedia, look up them songs and then get your butt over to YouTube because you're seriously missing out.**


RIP Michael Jackson!


*I promise I will never use the phrase "to boot" ever again
**Also, I'd highly suggest the special edition of Off the Wall. It has some fun interviews with Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton. It also has two demos ("Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" & "Workin' Day and Night") featuring Janet & Randy banter and MJ's obnoxious/endearing laugh.
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Random Suggestion of the Day

I honestly think Drake would sell more records, earn more street cred and get laid more often if he changed his stage name to Wheelchair Jimmy. The internet seems to think so and I agree.


I mean, I'm just saying.

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'American Idiot' on Broadway

It can't be on Broadway if it doesn't have rainbows and glitter, right?

I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, but I just don't understand this. I like the album (it's not the greatest ever made, or anything), but this? I just don't get it. Congratulations on winning Best Scenic Design for a Musical and Best Lighting Design for a Musical, and for getting a nomination for Best Musical, but I don't think I'll be off to watch it any time soon.

Keep reading...

Why Don't Networks Ever Know What's Good for Them?

Seriously, it's annoying.

OK, so ABC Family is the latest to screw the pooch. Now it may seem silly that I'm harping on the quality of this channel, simply for the fact that they aim for mindless teenage drama. Pretty much everything they touch is a big steaming pile that manages to garner a whole mess of viewers simply because 14-year-old girls haven't figured out what the meaning of good television is.

Then there was 10 Thing I Hate About You, the TV series. Great, another ABC Family crap pile ruining a great movie, I thought to myself. But nonetheless, I watched it because Lindsey Shaw is a smart girl and doesn't do crap jobs. I figured if she approves then I probably would too. And boy howdy did I!

10 Things was surprisingly clever and funny. The new plot -- The Stratfords moving from Ohio to California -- gave way for some character changes that worked, like Bianca's burning desire to be a popular cheerleader. And despite the same old premise, it was still new. I didn't hate Bianca despite her superficial ways, and I didn't hate her for wanting to be friends with Cameron instead acting as his match maker. Kat and Patrick's non-relationship was adorable and frustrating all at once, as well as funny. I even liked Joey, who was dumb and sweet in this version which worked so well. (My roommate adored him. I could keep going about the other characters but this blog is already getting lengthy. It can't hold my love for this show!)

It was even self aware, which is something I like in TV (See iCarly). Case in point the very very very making-me-keep-interest-in-dudes-hot Ethan Peck who takes on Heath Ledger's first iconic role. That man, who happens to be the grandson of Gregory Peck, has a deep voice and that bad boy face everyone wants in their line of sight at all times. As such, Dr. Stratford (a role Larry miller reprises from the original) describes Patrick as a "deep voiced man-boy." Pretty self aware, and a hilarious line to boot when delivered properly. It wasn't a high brow show, but it was still more clever and well written than anything else ABC Family has done to date. I was so proud of the network, even if they made that stupid movie starring Hilary Duff and that guy from Kyle XY.

And then they didn't renew it for a second season. They didn't even give enough warning to give it a proper ending. We have a cliffhanger of Kat and Patrick finally sleeping together and Larry Miller walking in on them. The last line of the series is "I'm not leaving." You can't leave us with that (quite funny, and ironic) last line and expect me to be OK with the fact that The Secret Life of the American Teenager was picked up for a THIRD season. How many teenage pregnancy scares can they have on that damn show? And don't even get me started on Pretty Little Liars. I refuse to even describe that piece-crap-to-be.

(Sorry, started to get really ranty, rather than mildly ranty.)

Back to the point, it's not even just that the show was canceled. The end of 10 Things marks another great show starring Shaw that get's canceled with a terrible ending. Is TV land out to ruin this actually enjoyable and funny actress' promising career? Not only that, Meghan Jette Martin, who plays Bianca, has had to go to the dark side. That's right, the blonde girl in the Camp Suck 2 video (which Ms. K.I.A wonderfully dissected for us) is the one and only Bianca.* You see what you're doing ABC Family? You're ruining careers AND my brain.

But alas, much like Conan (minus the drama) and Ned's DeClassified** there's just no justice for good shows with less than stellar ratings. The underrated shows always get the short end of the stick. It's a sad year for television. At least Community and Parenthood were renewed for a second season. Even NBC is getting better at this "being a good network" thing. ABC Family it's time to catch up. If you didn't catch the series while it was around, well I blame you for it's cancellation (Not really. OK only a little.) but don't fret. The series is on Hulu so watch and be sad you missed out.

And just so I don't leave you all on a sad note, here's a picture of Ethan Peck and Lindsey Shaw, one of the most attractive couples in a long while. That's one hot man/lady pair with glorious eyebrows. Micheal K would be proud.



*I'm not dumb, I know Disney owns ABC Family, so the transition isn't totally surprising but it still makes me sad. She could do better (not moneywise, but dignitywise).

**As far as I know it had good ratings, but it still didn't get a good ending. Keep reading...

Video Vomit: "Blessed Virgins Unite" Edition

I have two sickly videos for your enjoyment (read: ridicule) today. Hope you're ready!



"Can't be Tamed" by the Blessed Virgin Miley


Y'all know I couldn't go without commenting on my girl Miley's latest attempt to conquer the music world.


So, I'm not sure if we'll be seeing this one on the Disney channel. Miley thought her booty shorts and butt popping weren't enough to christen the new, sexy Miley so she took it a step further by ditching the pants completely and attaching feathers to her arms. Yes, I know, HOTT.


As I'm sure you expected, there was "controversy" over Miley's "sexy" new look. I don't know why though. This is pretty tame if you consider Britney and Christina's  foray into the world of sexy. All she's doing is giving herself some rub downs and pretending she's maybe about to kiss another girl. Miley's attempt is only decent. She needs to know that if there's no oil, midriff or heavy breathing then it ain't sexy. (Ass-less chaps help too.) But it's ok that Miley's getting it wrong because her attempts at "sexiness" just makes me uncomfortable. I wish she would've regarded Senorita McTree's advice and put her under-age boobies away because I really don't need to see that. (Oh yeah, and our Blessed Virgin Miley said "hell." *gasp* Miley's a regular BAMF, no?)


I'm gonna have to go ahead and admit the video isn't that bad. The "sexy" bird thing is...different. Not terrible just...different. But those CGI wings? Pretty cool. Also, Miley tries her hand at dancing again and it's...different. Thank god for editing, right?


As for the song? Well, let me make a quick confession. *sigh* Here it goes. "Party in the USA" is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know, I know. Please don't judge me. (This cover's pretty cool though) This song though? Eh, not so much. It's not as catchy (thank god). That won't stop it from getting stuck in my head but at least I won't like it.


Anyway, I told Miley a while ago to hold off on the sexy but she didn't listen to my advice. So, lets try this again: I know you're itching to get away from Disney but you need to hold on until your (18th) birthday this year! Then, buy yourself a big vat of baby oil, get yourself a tramp stamp, buy an ill-fitting sports bra and some booty shorts, and rent out an abandoned warehouse for a night of grinding, body rolls and writhing. Mickey will drop you like a hot potato and then you'll be forever free to slut it up.


If you're interested in even more Miley Vomit, you can check out the video from RadarOnline where she's giving Adam Shankman a 'lap dance.' [insert dramatic eye roll here] Puh-lease. Miley's just doing what we all did at 16 - grinding up on our gay, middle-aged friends. Prudes.
"It's On" by the cast of Camp Rock 2 


So, next up we have a music video from Disney's latest audio/visual abomination Camp Rock 2. What to tackle first?


Well, let's get this part out of the way: the song sucks.
Cool; moving on.


Ok, so the Jonas Brothers are back again. I've kinda been missing them (read: Kevin). In an ironic turn of events, Kevin steals the show by hardly being in the music video. This is the way you do things. It's true that Disney's cheap cameras can hardly handle the man that is Kevin Jonas but we know Kevin also demanded that his image not be tarnished by excessive association with the aforementioned A/V abomination. Mickey knew what was good for him and respected his wishes. As for Nick, what I love about this kid is his talent for looking 1) really bored no matter the circumstance, 2) constipated or 3) both. I know he tried to look like he was really into playing the drums but we all know that Nick Jonas is never excited about anything. Annnnnd, I refuse to comment on Joe Jonas.


In typical Disney fashion, Mickey has waved his magical wand and now our little break dancing wonder and former co-host of Mike's Super-Short Show, Alyson Stoner is also a singer. When did this happen?!? Oh, yes, I forgot I already answered my own question: magic. Also, in typical Disney fashion being a black dude = rapper and urban. Duh.


Now on to Demi. I think she's turning into a vampire. She's so pale the light is reflecting off her face at some points. (Major fail lighting guy!) I bet it's the Jonas kid's fault. Run, Demi! He's sucking the life out of you!*


As for the video itself - it's very anti-climatic. They're just in a big, black room with lots of lights. It's not interesting. If they were going for a dance battle couldn't we get some bright colours and cool dancing? No, because this is Disney and their recent mission is to suck as hard as humanly possible. Anywayssss, the beginning, though only a couple seconds long, is warning me against watching this movie. It's screaming: CAUTION: BAD ACTING AHEAD! Also, I'm no fashionista but aren't their clothes weird? Dunno...to me they are. It's like the wardrobe person brought in a box of random clothes 5 minutes before shooting and told everyone to grab something quick. And I'm also not a dancer but their dancing is weird to look at. It's not pleasing to my eyes. They're like popping and stuff and it's awkward. Where's Michael Peters when you need him?


Basically, I have nothing particularly nice to say about this music video. Sorry guys. Better luck next time? JK. Please, don't try it again. Two is actually two times too many.


In other news, I will totally be watching this mess.


...cheers!


P.S. - Welcome to our tags, The Disney Machine. We've been expecting you.
P.P.S. - I just noticed that Brit Brit is wearing her underwear on the outside of her pants in the "Slave 4 U" music video. Weird...
P.P.P.S. - Michael Peter's is in heaven when you need him - in case you were wondering. (RIP)
*So the romance of the century has already ended. That was fast.  Keep reading...