Holy Legal!

Today is Nick Jonas' 18th birthday. I was gonna be all "Poor Nick! His crazy fangirls will attack him in the streets and tear his clothes off in want of his now legal body!"


...Then I remembered no one cares about the JoBros anymore; there's a new JB in town. (The Biebster, in case you didn't pick up on that. I thought it was pretty clever, ya know? Since they both have the initials JB. Yeah...I'm mighty clever.)


Lucky you, Nick. You're in the clear. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief and go back to being the most boring JoBro.*

Happy Birfday, Nick!

* Kevin = most royal/awesome Jonas; Joe = most annoying/really annoying Jonas

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Video Vomit: "Blessed Virgins Unite" Edition

I have two sickly videos for your enjoyment (read: ridicule) today. Hope you're ready!



"Can't be Tamed" by the Blessed Virgin Miley


Y'all know I couldn't go without commenting on my girl Miley's latest attempt to conquer the music world.


So, I'm not sure if we'll be seeing this one on the Disney channel. Miley thought her booty shorts and butt popping weren't enough to christen the new, sexy Miley so she took it a step further by ditching the pants completely and attaching feathers to her arms. Yes, I know, HOTT.


As I'm sure you expected, there was "controversy" over Miley's "sexy" new look. I don't know why though. This is pretty tame if you consider Britney and Christina's  foray into the world of sexy. All she's doing is giving herself some rub downs and pretending she's maybe about to kiss another girl. Miley's attempt is only decent. She needs to know that if there's no oil, midriff or heavy breathing then it ain't sexy. (Ass-less chaps help too.) But it's ok that Miley's getting it wrong because her attempts at "sexiness" just makes me uncomfortable. I wish she would've regarded Senorita McTree's advice and put her under-age boobies away because I really don't need to see that. (Oh yeah, and our Blessed Virgin Miley said "hell." *gasp* Miley's a regular BAMF, no?)


I'm gonna have to go ahead and admit the video isn't that bad. The "sexy" bird thing is...different. Not terrible just...different. But those CGI wings? Pretty cool. Also, Miley tries her hand at dancing again and it's...different. Thank god for editing, right?


As for the song? Well, let me make a quick confession. *sigh* Here it goes. "Party in the USA" is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know, I know. Please don't judge me. (This cover's pretty cool though) This song though? Eh, not so much. It's not as catchy (thank god). That won't stop it from getting stuck in my head but at least I won't like it.


Anyway, I told Miley a while ago to hold off on the sexy but she didn't listen to my advice. So, lets try this again: I know you're itching to get away from Disney but you need to hold on until your (18th) birthday this year! Then, buy yourself a big vat of baby oil, get yourself a tramp stamp, buy an ill-fitting sports bra and some booty shorts, and rent out an abandoned warehouse for a night of grinding, body rolls and writhing. Mickey will drop you like a hot potato and then you'll be forever free to slut it up.


If you're interested in even more Miley Vomit, you can check out the video from RadarOnline where she's giving Adam Shankman a 'lap dance.' [insert dramatic eye roll here] Puh-lease. Miley's just doing what we all did at 16 - grinding up on our gay, middle-aged friends. Prudes.
"It's On" by the cast of Camp Rock 2 


So, next up we have a music video from Disney's latest audio/visual abomination Camp Rock 2. What to tackle first?


Well, let's get this part out of the way: the song sucks.
Cool; moving on.


Ok, so the Jonas Brothers are back again. I've kinda been missing them (read: Kevin). In an ironic turn of events, Kevin steals the show by hardly being in the music video. This is the way you do things. It's true that Disney's cheap cameras can hardly handle the man that is Kevin Jonas but we know Kevin also demanded that his image not be tarnished by excessive association with the aforementioned A/V abomination. Mickey knew what was good for him and respected his wishes. As for Nick, what I love about this kid is his talent for looking 1) really bored no matter the circumstance, 2) constipated or 3) both. I know he tried to look like he was really into playing the drums but we all know that Nick Jonas is never excited about anything. Annnnnd, I refuse to comment on Joe Jonas.


In typical Disney fashion, Mickey has waved his magical wand and now our little break dancing wonder and former co-host of Mike's Super-Short Show, Alyson Stoner is also a singer. When did this happen?!? Oh, yes, I forgot I already answered my own question: magic. Also, in typical Disney fashion being a black dude = rapper and urban. Duh.


Now on to Demi. I think she's turning into a vampire. She's so pale the light is reflecting off her face at some points. (Major fail lighting guy!) I bet it's the Jonas kid's fault. Run, Demi! He's sucking the life out of you!*


As for the video itself - it's very anti-climatic. They're just in a big, black room with lots of lights. It's not interesting. If they were going for a dance battle couldn't we get some bright colours and cool dancing? No, because this is Disney and their recent mission is to suck as hard as humanly possible. Anywayssss, the beginning, though only a couple seconds long, is warning me against watching this movie. It's screaming: CAUTION: BAD ACTING AHEAD! Also, I'm no fashionista but aren't their clothes weird? Dunno...to me they are. It's like the wardrobe person brought in a box of random clothes 5 minutes before shooting and told everyone to grab something quick. And I'm also not a dancer but their dancing is weird to look at. It's not pleasing to my eyes. They're like popping and stuff and it's awkward. Where's Michael Peters when you need him?


Basically, I have nothing particularly nice to say about this music video. Sorry guys. Better luck next time? JK. Please, don't try it again. Two is actually two times too many.


In other news, I will totally be watching this mess.


...cheers!


P.S. - Welcome to our tags, The Disney Machine. We've been expecting you.
P.P.S. - I just noticed that Brit Brit is wearing her underwear on the outside of her pants in the "Slave 4 U" music video. Weird...
P.P.P.S. - Michael Peter's is in heaven when you need him - in case you were wondering. (RIP)
*So the romance of the century has already ended. That was fast.  Keep reading...

Your Fangirls Are Very Very Scary

According to Wikipedia (center of all human knowledge), the term fangirl describes "a female member of a fandom community (counterpart to the masculine "fanboy"). Fangirls may be more devoted to emotional and romantic aspects of their fandom, especially shipping" but "is commonly used in a derogatory sense to describe a girl's obsession with something." Also! "Fangirl behavior can fall anywhere in this spectrum, but the closer someone is believed to be towards the obsessive end, the more derogatory the use of the term 'fangirl' to describe them is perceived to be."


Wikipedia's being much too nice. I think they should just replace that whole section with the following: "A bunch of crazy, obsessed, delusional and horny chicks who make a person, usually a man, feel fear in his heart and genitals due to their insane amounts of 'love'" It's short, sweet, true and to the point.

Eddie Cullen
Twilight fangirls are, in general, very alarming. However, even more alarming, is the intense amount of infatuation directed toward the fictional character of Edward Cullen. Why the all the Eddie love? Well, from what I can gather Edward is really, really hot, super attentive and has a really cool car. This is all funny to me because I don't find cold, hard, marble-like skin to be hot. I also don't find it romantic to have a man watching me sleep without my permission. And I'm not that turned on by Volvos - they're quite standard, no?

But, a lot of girls (and grown women) out there would beg to differ. Eddie really is their dream guy. Just look on Facebook and you'll see numerous bumper stickers lamenting the fact that real male population is nothing compared to their hot hunk of marble. Some guys have even claimed to have their girlfriends break up with them because they couldn't live up to Eddie's standards. Now, I don't know if this is true but I can believe it.

I guess the reason Twihards scare me is because they really are obsessed with this fictional character. He seems to feed some sort of hidden fantasy that exists within a large part of the female population. Nothing wrong with some fantasizing but when fantasizing turns you into a drooling, obsessed creature that can't cope with the fictionality of a book character, than maybe you should take a breather. Or smoke some weed. I dunno...just CHILAX.


The JoBros
Once upon a time, when I would consider the nature of tween girls, I wouldn't add "rapist" to the mix. However, since the dawn of The Jonas Brothers, I've had to change my thoughts on the tweeny bopper crowd. How ironic that the super pure Jonas Brothers seem to bring out the dirtiest thoughts in their seemingly innocent fans.

(Man, I wish I'd kept screenshots of these things so I could have proof, but, since I'm the authority here, you'll just have to believe me. Or else...)

Anyway, please believe me when I say there are little girls on the internetz who talk about doing dirrrtay things to Nick and Joe. King Kevin is often left out but that's ok b/c he's too good for that stuff anyway. Also scary, as a friend pointed out to me, are all the older ladies who are keeping a firm eye on resident jailbait, Nicky. (Stay strong ladies - he's got only 2 more years to go.)

I wish I could explain the fangirl love for the JoBros but this is one I honestly don't get. Is it their "music"? I mean, yeah, I guess it's annoyingly catchy. Or is it their "hotness"? I mean, I'm sorry, but Joe Jonas does not do it for me. But I can kinda see the appeal of Nick. He's got cute curly hair! And those freakishly muscular arms. Is that what it is, fangirls? Do Nick's arms turn you on?

Dunno...I guess I'll just accept their explanation that they're great "musicians" and really, very "hot." What I do know is that Mama Jonas may have a right to fear her poor wittle boys being seduced. Also, because I care, a bit of advice for Nicky: Invest in a padlock for your pants as an 18th birthday gift to yourself. You won't regret it.


Da King O' Pop
I mean, it really shouldn't be surprising that King Michael Joseph Jackson has crazy fans but it really did blow my mind that MJ has fangirls.

Now, like most of the others, I can see why MJ attracts the crazies. MJ did that odd thing that only a few people can do: successfully mix adorableness with sexiness. Not only that, MJ had the whole sensitive, loving, in-touch with his feelings thing going on that a lot of women found attractive. So I can see it...yea, I can see it.

Weirdly enough though, MJ has become a sort of Ed Cullen for his fangirls. They wish all men could be sensitive, loving and in-touch with his feelings. I can appreciate this. (I can also digg lusting after a real, albeit dead, man more than I can understand lusting after a fictional character.) But MJ, like Sr. Cullen, was far from perfect. I mean, he reeked of awesome but he obviously had a whole host of other problems that needed to be dealt with. I think all the MJ fangirls bought into his little Mickey Mouse front. I understand that it's hard, but you must look past the crotch grabbing and cute smile and see the flaws. Yes, even as an MJ fan, I believe his innocent persona was about 60% real. (And that is a precise mathematical calculation, mis amigos.) He was a smart guy so I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

But hey, some gals are into the whole "tortured soul" thing so, lust away MJ fans, lust away.


RPattz
Poor RPattz!! Of all the people I've named here, I feel for him the most. Eddie Cullen isn't real so he's safe. The JoBros are pure so they're somewhat unavailable. And, well MJ is dead (sadness)...I sure hope someone is keeping his genitals safe. But RPattz...poor, poor, Robert Pattinson! He had no idea what he was getting into. Now he's being constantly bombarded by crazy, teen virgins and sex-deprived housewives!

I think RPattz love comes from two places: (1) Ed Cullen projection and (2) Genuine attraction. We've already talked about how CRAZY Twihards are so it's really no surprise at all that their enamored with RPattz. He's the real life incarnation of oh-so-unattainable Eddie. So, these ladies, being out of their friggin' minds, show their love by violating his space and asking him to bite them. Yes, real life women really, in real, actual life, walk up to Robert Pattinson and really, actually in actual actuality ask him to bite them. You feeling his pain yet?

All I can say is that the government should look into pumping more money into mental health. RPattz is (inadvertently) breeding the crazy.
_______

I guess we can all agree that fangirls seem to suffer from some sort of delusion problem. These men (if you consider Nick and Joe Jonas to be "men") seem to represent some romantic/sexual fantasy for these girls. So, because they can't have them, they become obsessively devoted. Fangirls cross that delicate line between fan and FAN!!!111!!!1!! A fan sees the humanity and flaws of their idol while fangirls build shrines to their perfect gods in the back of their closets. And do dirty things with their pictures...but we don't have to go there. Not today at least *WINK!*

Don't get me wrong though: fangirls are a great source of entertainment and I wholeheartedly support their cause. Keep on keepin' on gals! I'm right behind you enjoying a bowl of lolz.

Note: It is ALWAYS good to find a way to end your posts with the word "lolz."

ciao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. A Letter to Mrs. Katherine Jackson: Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I am sorry to inform you that your dear grandson, Prince Michael Joseph Jackson Jr., (?? I still can't figure out what your son was doing with his sons' names) has developed a fangirl following. Yes, I know your mouth is opening in horror at the soiling of your precious 12-year-old grandson's innocence. I, too, am appalled by old, krusty women referring to him as...sexy. (*shudder*) Please, do all that you can to keep him safe from these effed up ladies and tweenbots. For, in the blink of an eye, he will be 18 and therefore, fair game. I wish you all the best.
Much love,
Ms. KIA.

P.P.S. - Stop, hold up, name change! Thought I'd stop stealing stuff from Dana Carvey and Co.
P.P.P.S. - You're still reading?!
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Too Awesome for Words

Ian Pool is the man. But it needs more King Kevin. Keep reading...

It's Finally Here

Well, as you may well know, our little calendar to the right is mistaken. You see, at the time of writing, Jonas was pushed back to September. As you know, it in fact premieres tonight, a whole four months before our calendar says so. Our apologies. Hail King Kevin!

Anywho, here are my reactions (well, maybe not all of them) as I watch the first episode:

7:57 - Wait, "When the Bells Rings" is still on even after Lovato left? For shame.

8:00 - PLAID!

8:00 - Kevin's adorable. Like a cloud shaped rabbit. Nick sounds bored and isn't very good at this. Joe's jacket is awesome. They talk to the camera. We'll see how this goes.

8:01 - Kevin deserves first billing. Good job Disney, you got it right for once! However, since when does Joe play guitar?

8:03 - So they kept the famous thing there, eh?

8:04 - Nick isn't good at this.

8:07 - Will Smith shout-out. Joe and Kevin are the best part of this show. An otter that plays the trumpet. I mean, come on! That's awesome.

Woops, started homework when they started their mini music video. Hope I didn't miss anything good.

8:13 - Monocles and mustaches! Taped to his face!

8:13 - Surprise, she stole his song. And clearly she didn't tell him to go see her and thus would never find out. Oh, wait . . .

8:15 - Up! I'm so excited for that movie!

8:20 - Nick is really bad at this. And it was all a misunderstanding. Of course.

8:23 - Less Nick, more Kevin (and I never thought I'd say this) and Joe.

Okay that's it. I have work to do, and watching JoBros make music isn't helping. Let's face it, their music is the worst part about them.

Verdict: I won't watch it every week. Nick's annoying; Kevin and Joe make a pretty good goofy comedy team. Still not sure why the show exists, though. Really it all just says, Hail King Kevin! So we're back to where we started.

Lator.

----------------
Now playing: Fake Problems - The Heaven & Hell Cotillion
via FoxyTunes

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Disney Stars Throughout History

Well, looks like it's time for a history lesson involving Disney Stars. I don't know if this is one of many of this kind or if it's just a one time thing. We'll see. But ehre we go.

Children, it looks like NICK JONAS has taken the Elvis (you know, that fat guy in the white suit) route and joined the armed Forces. Don't believe me? Well, here's the picture to prove it:

He's a cutie in his uniform, ain't he? I don't mean to be a pedo, but the squinty eyes, the shy smile, the...wait a minute....that's NOT Nick Jonas! Then who is it?

Actually, it's one of the most hated men in American history: Lee Harvey Oswald.

Lee Harvey either shot and killed John F. Kennedy, or helped kill him by taking part in a conspiracy and becoming a scapegoat. Your choice on which, I won't argue which one it is. Both arguments are interesting and give the History Channel a lot of material. Either way, bitch was guilty of something.

Anway, I was watching something about Lee Harvey on the History Channel and this picture comes up. The only thing that came to mind was Nick Jonas. It's kind of astounding I think and really random. I'm not saying little Nicky is a Communist President Murderer. That boy is much too good to do such things; he's got music to write.

That's my schpele (is that how you spell that?) and the end of this post. I wonder if I can find other Disney stars who look like murderers...

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Pop Culture Justice: You Stole My Song and Made It Smell Like Crap

No better way to start off the New Year than with a brand new feature...Woo hoo! Welcome to Pop Culture Justice where I, the Honorable Judge Cuteness, dish out pop culture justice that has long been overdue. Please, sit back, and ENJOY.
Disclaimer: Because I know nothing about law proceedings, this feature will in no way, shape or form resemble a court case. If you want something that slightly resembles a court case, I'd suggest Law and Order: SVU. Only SVU, mind you. The other ones kinda suck now.

CASE BACKGROUND:
Disney and Nick have proved to me that these days zero talent is needed to become a successful pop star. Not that certain artists haven't already showed me this fact but these two have just helped to drive the point home. In the Disney/Nick star-making process, a necessary step is the SONG. Besides incessant TV spots, unnecessary products and magazine covers, these aspiring teen pop stars need actual SONGS to sing. (Believe it or not, these SONGS happen to be the core of a music career) Now, network execs are usually working on a pretty sizable crop of potential pop stars, so they can't bother to go through the annoying business of writing original songs for these kids to sing. Pssh. What do you think this is? These execs need to come up with fast, easy SONGS for the kiddies to "sing." So what do they do? The trend seems to be: 1) borrow from obscure British pop bands/singers, 2) olden timey people the younguns have never heard of or 3) failure singers who weren't Disney or Nick enough to have anyone notice they were attempting to make music. #1 seems to be the most popular.

So, you're like, Ok - nothing really wrong with a little borrowing. And I agree. Art is def about using the world around you to create your own art. Sometimes this involves inspiration by other people's art. But I being to disagree with borrowing when all you do is ruin songs with your "singing" and make my precious ears bleed.

This is an injustice. Not only to my ears but also to the people that put so much time into making these songs. Yes, some of them sucked the first time around but that just gives more reason as to why they should have been left alone. For too long, diva Nick and Disney "singers" have been ruining the lives of these original artists and the general public.

But justice will be served.

CASE #1
Plaintiff: Sugababes (British girl group I've never heard of)
Defendant: Miranda Cosgrove (seen in Drake and Josh and iCarly)
Complaint: Ms. Cosgrove covered their hit single (so I read on Wikipedia) "About You Now" while doing nothing to help the common belief that white people can't dance

Verdict: The defendant, Ms. Cosgrove made many errors in her execution of the song "About You Now." First of all, she can't sing...not very well at least. The next major mistake was the way the music video was executed. Although not entirely Ms. Cosgrove's doing, she did agree to partake in the abomination and should therefore be treated like the criminal she is.

Here are music video highlights that make the Sugababes winners: tight clothing, London backdrop, ample cleavage, hot lead dude, dissing of handicapped people, bridges, sultry wall humping and jumping over things. Especially impressive was the jumping over things whilst dissing handicapped people.

Here are mistakes that Ms. Cosgrove and her team made: not hot enough lead dude, weird floppy hat, bad dancing, NO CLEAVAGE, lame-ass Mall of America backdrop and solo photo booth cheesing (LAME!). Although Ms. Cosgrove made small efforts by wearing shiny shoes and including a fun escalator ride, this does not excuse the fact that she ruined the pop masterpiece "About You Now."
Therefore, I find her GUILTY!

Sentence: Ms. Cosgrove will be required to be trapped in her show-within-a-show (the grossly unfunny webshow iCarly) for 3 whole seasons. Hopefully there she will learn how to sing and how to hump a wall in a sultry fashion.

CASE #2
Plaintiff: Busted (another Brit group that has recently joined my knowledge pool)
Defendant: The Jonas Brothers (seen...well, freakin' everywhere!)
Complaint: The pussyfication of such songs as "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000"

Verdict: It's kinda ok to be lame but starting out lame is not a good idea for a "music career." Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made this grave mistake when they covered the songs "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000" by British sensation, Busted. The original "What I Go To School For" featured the touching story of a student's love for his hot teacher. In the end of the story, both the teacher and student express their love for each other and ride off into the sunset. A happy ending - not unlike the fairytale romance between Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. *sigh* The 3 Jonases, however, made this song stupid and shallow by making if about a freshman kid's crush on a senior. Ugh. Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas, in an effort to make their song more kid friendly (aka pussyfication), diminished the artistic value of this masterful song.

The Jonas Brothers also caused heads to turn and eyes to widen with their crazy rendition of "Year 3000." Yes, it is true that the two songs aren't very different BUT they altered two key components of the song's amazingness. 1) They eliminated the mentioning of triple-breasted naked ladies and 2)They changed "and your great-great-great granddaughter is pretty fine" to "and your great-great-great granddaughter is doing fine"...WTF! See, the Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made a big mistake by altering this song. We all know that the Jonases main fanbase consists of delusional tween girls. The Jonases could be making even more money if they had kept these lyrics and appealed to horny teen boys. Some people just don't use their brains.
For these reasons, I find the defendants GUILTY!

Sentence: I sentence the Jonas Brothers to go on a 3 year tour with Miley Cyrus where they will only be allowed to play "Mandy." Also, Kevin must entertain us with his guitar spinning the whole song. Pure torture.

Well, I can't really think of any more. If you have some pop culture injustice that you want dealt with, just bring it to Judge Cuteness' court.

Also, check out these music videos and see what YOU think:
Sugababes: "About You Now"
Miranda Cosgrove: "About You Now"
Busted: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"
JoBros: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"

Court is adjourned.


Random aside: I lurve the Jonas Brothers because, as far as they're concerned, they're the hottest shit to have ever walked the planet earth. I just stumbled upon this video looking for their other music videos: JoBros - Superstition (Cover)
Now, why are those little girls lying to Nick Jonas? They have no clue who Stevie Wonder is.
One good thing about this little show, or whatever it is, is that the stage was anointed with the holy sweat of all those Blessed Virgins gracing the stage.
Oh, and I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I first skipped ahead to find Nick yelling in my ears and then skipped one more time to hear Joe's grating voice. Why can't I hear the angelic voice of Kevin?? I know - his vocal powers are much too extreme.
The world isn't ready yet.


(Kevin Jonas ftw!)
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Let Our Chastity Combine...GO PURITY!

I'm am thoroughly disappointed in the number of pure teen stars that insist upon spoiling the good name of young Hollywood. I don't know whether or not you've noticed but, there has been a strange onslaught of "pure" Hollywood kids, all donning purity rings. This is new to me because when I was growing up (which I am nowhere near done doing, mind you) there were no "pure" young stars. Well, except for Jessica Simpson - but was she really a star? Yeah… Anyways, when a young star ever talked about his or her sex life, it was only to insist that he or she was a virgin. And then that was it. Or at least that's the way I remember it. Like I said before, Jessica Simpson is the only person I ever remember hearing about that wore a ring promising her father to stay pure until she was married.

Now, there's nothing wrong with making that promise. Good for you. What interests me is the new fight against what we know as Hollywood. Ah, Hollywood...the disgusting cesspool of all the lowest, dirtiest, people in America. The place where all bad morals come into being and are then spread to the masses through the "liberal media elite" (You betcha!). The go-to spot for a new partner every couple of weeks complete with a high chance of an STD infection. (Oh, that Paris!) But now these kids have come in and told everyone(!) how they plan on saving themselves for marriage. Now I bet you're saying, "This chick's crazy! It's only the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus flashing their purity rings." Well, as usual, you're WRONG. There's Demi Lovato...Selena Gomez…uh, Jordin Sparks…ok. You weren't wrong. There's only a few that I can name. But it's still interesting!

On reason it's interesting is because, in case you haven't noticed, the Jonas Brothers are actual boys and they are the only boys on my list. America is in love with double-standards and one of our favorites is that men should sleep with as many women as possible while women should save her cherry for one lucky guy. So, the fact that the Jonas Brothers are all over the place insisting that they'll never touch genitals with a woman until they've both said "I Do" is very interesting. Most other boy celebrities their age would be subtly hinting at their numerous sexual exploits. But not these kids. They're all, "I'm saving myself for Jesus!"

The pure girls, however, aren't that interesting…which is why they are interesting. Your brain is aching -so let me explain. It's really only women who are expected to insist upon their virginity. Britney Spears did. Jessica Simpson did. Christina Aguilera (kinda) did. But no one was bugging Justin Timberlake about whether or not he'd swiped his v-card. No one was like, "Please, Backstreet Boys, tell me you're all virgins!" No. No one looses respect for a guy that is not a virgin but if you're a girl who's been doing the deed, then you'll get the branding: SLUT!/WHORE!/HO! It is not really abnormal for Miley to tell everyone that she's a virgin and tell everyone how long she insists about carry that title (Blessed Virgin Miley)because that's what we want to hear.

I think it's funny, and kind of sad, that these girls (yes, the Jonas Brothers included) have to flash their purity rings in order to maintain the respect of their fans and their fans' parents. It's no secret that young girls everywhere flocked to the IMDb boards to call Jamie Lynn Spears a SLUT! when they found out she was pregnant. It's also no secret that it's gonna be impossible for her to reappear on Nickelodeon and have the same career (assuming she still has a career) that she did before.

The pure Hollywood youngsters are alright. Their presence doesn't bother me. But it does highlight that ever present (and disgustingly hypocritical) double-standard that Americans have about sex. It also makes us ask, "Why do we care?" Should the fact that Selena Gomez is a virgin make me like her more than Jamie Lynn Spears who is so obviously NOT a virgin? Does not being a virgin depreciate one's human worth? If I'm a no talent loser can I still get a record deal if I show you my purity ring? And if I'm a not-so-talented guy who's had his share of ladies, will I be chosen over the talented girl who's had her share of guys?

I don't know - it's just something to think about.

P.S. - Happy Belated 16th Birfday Miley Cyrus! Look out for Miley on the road kiddos! (Really, look out. I don't trust this girl behind the wheel of a car. Still my idol!) Keep reading...

The "Other" Jonas

On August 13th, 2008, hearts were broken and tears were shed. The fragile world of thousands of pre-teen and teen girls who's parents subscribe to the Washington Post was shattered. Why, you ask? Because Washington Post reporter, J. Freedom du Loc (cool name btw) dared to call Kevin Jonas "the other one" while Nick and Joe were so lovingly referred to as "the cute" and "the hot" ones, respectively. Many girls, who could neither spell nor properly speak English, sent in letters in defense of their beloved Jonas Brother.

At first I was skeptical - isn't it true that Kevin Jonas is "the other one"? He never sings lead - that harrowing task belongs to both Joe and Nick ("Red dress!") . He doesn't not date Miley Cyrus anymore - once again a task that poor Nick had to take on himself ("The 7 things I hate about you!!"). He didn't play the male lead to Demi Lovato's Camp Rock character - a role that sizzling hot Joe had to play ("You're the voice I hear inside my head, the reason for my singing"). So doesn't that make him "the other one" - "the selfish, lazy, unwilling to date Disney stars" one? But I see now that my thinking was wrong. The brave girls who dared have their pride, sanity and level of education questioned by thousands, changed my mind for the better with their convincing arguments as to why Kevin Jonas is more than the "other" Jonas. Here are the Top 5 most convincing reasons why Kevin Jonas is not "the other one" according to some brave and articulate Washington Post readers:

1. "He's amazing at the guitar, and if you've ever been to any of their concerts, you would know that. He spins around probably about ten times, while still playing. That takes alot of skill."* - Victoria
-Wow, boy was I wrong about Kevin Jonas! It must take amazing acrobatic and balancing skills to spin around and play guitar at the same time. And ten times!! Whoooaaa!!! I bet Slash can't spin ten times and play the guitar at the same time...amateur...

2. "he could be at collage or doing his own thing now!" - cass
- This is a valid point. Kevin Jonas is 20 years of age and most other 20 year old young men are probably at collage. I honestly don't really understand what it means to "be at collage" but it sounds important and it sounds like something an important guy like Kevin Jonas would do. Good thinking, cass!

3. "they are an amazing band and all three are just as talented and gorgeous as the next." - devon
- One thing I never realized, until devon pointed it out, of course, was how talented and gorgeous ALL the Jonas Brothers are. Nick is gorgeous in a "I'm a pouty 15 year old musician with curly hair who dates my fellow Disney stars" kinda way. Joe is gorgeous in a "I'm in love with my straightener and skinny jeans" kinda way. Kevin is gorgeous in a "I have curly hair and wear cool vests" kinda way. And the Jonas Brothers continue to display their talents in such lasting classics as "Mandy" and "SOS". I see what you're saying, devon.

4. "Kevin Jonas may not be as good looking as Joe and Nick, but if there was no Kevin, there would be no jonas brothers!" - Sydney
Frankly I'm a bit confused because I thought we had all just agreed that Kevin was as good looking as Joe and Nick. Apparently not. I guess I'll have to do some further soul searching, prayer and meditation to come to a more concrete conclusion. However, I must admit that Sydney has succeeded in convincing me that without Kevin there would be no Jonas Brothers. It is quite clear that Nick and Joe cannot possibly be brothers without Kevin. Duh! And who takes a band headed by only TWO brothers seriously?? Anyone ever heard of Oasis? Nope, didn't think so. Ever heard of Hanson?...I rest my case.

5. "I bet if you were forced to spend a day with the Jonas Brothers, or just Kevin, you'd find out he's one of the sweetest, nicest guys around." - Julia
- Julia really got me here. I'm an absolute sucker for sweet, nice guys. Does this mean that Nick and Joe Jonas are jerks? It probably does. It's probably why poor Kevin is forced to only play guitar and only have bit parts in the Jonas Brothers' thespian exploits. Kevin is just too nice and sweet to say anything to his bitchy baby brothers.

This Washington Post article changed my life. I used to be one of those deluded Jonas "fans" that thought Joe and Nick were the life of the band. I honestly didn't even know that Kevin was their brother. I didn't even know his name! I thought he was some poor sucker they put up front to make the band aesthetically pleasing. But I see that I was wrong. Kevin is just as important as "the cute one" and "the hot one." He isn't "the other one" - he's the "10x spinning, non-collage going, talented, gorgeous, maybe not as good looking, sweet, nice one." Thanks Jonas fans for showing me the error of my ways.

*This was copied exactly as it appeared in the Post which was, in turn, copied exactly the way it was sent to the Post.

P.S. - Happy Belated 19th Birfday Joe Jonas!

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