Why I Love...

... Michael Jackson's Off the Wall!


I feel bad for Off the Wall. Off the Wall is like the neglected younger sibling of Michael Jackson's (adult era) solo album family. Thriller is the annoyingly lovable eldest brother who everybody knows and adores. Bad is the cool, chill older brother who gets laid every weekend. HIStory is the moody, angry brother who you like sometimes but hate others. And...um, I don't have any clever family metaphors for Dangerous or Invincible but that's ok because I think you get the idea. Invincible aside, I think Off the Wall is one of Mike's most forgotten solo works. Which is a shame because I think it's one of his finest pieces.


Maybe I shouldn't say forgotten: Of course, no one can forget "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" and "Rock With You" but, most casual fans wouldn't be familiar with the other ear morsels (!) that the album has to offer.


Nugget of Knowledge: Off the Wall may be the first in the mind of some but, it is actually MJ's fifth solo studio album. (His first four solo albums were released under the Motown label back in the day.)


This little nugget of knowledge brings me to my first point of love: Off the Wall was when we got to see Mikey forreals. At this point in time, his creativity was no longer being confined by Berry Gordy & Co. Although Mike and his brothers had left Motown a while ago and had had more say in their music for some time, audiences could now enjoy MJ's freedom without having to expend extra effort trying to ignore his brothers in the background. (Except for Jackie who was, and still is, hot. And Marlon who was, and still is, ROCKIN' that mustache.) OtW was the first indication that Michael Jackson was not to be a child star that would fade into oblivion. He had [song]writing and composing chops in addition to his already proven singing chops. And he was serious about the music business - Off the Wall was MJ's first solo assault on the music industry. It should be renamed I'm HERE: You Bitches Best Get Used to Me.


Off the Wall was also a good plot foreshadowing of the happier times in the life of Michael Joesph Jackson, especially his musical success. It happened to be the first collaboration between him and Quincy Jones, a power duo that would churn out the subsequent mega-albums Thriller and Bad. It was also the first combination of MJ and British singer/songwriter, Rod Temperton. Rod wrote "Rock with You" for Off the Wall and would later go on to write the song "Thriller." OtW was a nice precursor to Thriller. It laid the groundwork for the collaborations that would bring Mikey big time success.


What I love most about Off the Wall though, is that we get young, happy Michael Jackson. The album was released in August of 1979, a couple weeks before his 21st birthday. I'm not sure how far back in history you have to go to find a carefree MJ, but I think if you stop at 1979 then you probably don't need to bother to go back much further. Yes, Mike was probably one of the most popular people in the world by then and yes, he was probably already a bit jaded by fame. But I don't think you ever again see the confident, carefree, happy Micheal that you see on Off the Wall; not musically at least. Michael Jackson was definitely an artist who could tell his audience where he was at with his music so you can tell there's a difference between Off the Wall-MJ and Thriller-MJ, a mere 3 years down the line.


A nice example of young, carefree, fraking adorable Michael Jackson (bow-tie!):



Besides all the implications of the album, the music itself is what really rocks my boat. Besides being a nice wrap-up to the disco era, Off the Wall is also pretty damn timeless. "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," written and composed by Mike himself, is an absolute masterpiece. (Really, DSTYGE is saturated in awesome.) "Off the Wall" is a really fun and light "just chilax" tune. "Workin' Day and Night" has to be one of the happiest laments of a whipped boy who ain't gettin' any AND it's funky to boot.* And the unbridled joy of "Get on the Floor" (in addition to that killer bass line) makes it one of my favorite new MJ discoveries.


If you haven't heard the other stuff on Off the Wall than I highly suggest you hop on over to Wikipedia, look up them songs and then get your butt over to YouTube because you're seriously missing out.**


RIP Michael Jackson!


*I promise I will never use the phrase "to boot" ever again
**Also, I'd highly suggest the special edition of Off the Wall. It has some fun interviews with Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton. It also has two demos ("Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" & "Workin' Day and Night") featuring Janet & Randy banter and MJ's obnoxious/endearing laugh.
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Dear Loving Celebrity the Retrospective Director Edition

Dear Steve Barron,

You've directed many of our favorite visual stuff. The list includes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the movie, Coneheads, and a whole mess of our favorite 80's videos, such as the video for Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me with Science" and the a-ha video for "Take on Me." We really appreciate this. One thing though...

Apparently you did not want any dancing in the video you directed for Michael Jackson. This video was "Billie Jean." You almost screwed the pooch with that mindset. Be glad MJ convinced you to let him dance for 30 seconds because you are now eternally related to the video of the song that brought us the Moonwalk. Just saying.

Love,

The Juicebox

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Why I Love...

...The Original "We Are the World"

Ok, so I don't love "We Are the World". I've honestly never really been a fan of the song. But I do like it much better than "We Are the World 25". The song is a tad bit corny but you can't completely hate it because 1) it's for Mother Africa and 2) it's so damn catchy. Oh and 3) in the video MJ is rockin' this jacket: 



That's a nice jacket. I want that jacket.* Anyway, the original trumps the new one on many levels. Let's take a look. TO THE LIST MAKING MACHINE! [Insert old school Batman transition here]

1. Musicians v. "Musicians"
The original "We Are the World" is most well-known for it's superstar cast. It was written by music superhero Micheal Jackson alongside fellow Motown legend, Lionel Richie and produced by the-one-and-only Quincy Jones. Throw all the other humongous names in there and you've got the highest quality ingredients for a charity single hit. One of the problems with the new one is that most of the performers don't matter. Everyone's gonna remember the name Diana Ross for years to come. But who's gonna remember Nicole Schrzinger? (You don't know who that is, do you?) Or Justin Beaver? Or Joe Jonas? Nobody, that's who.

Also, this might just be because I'm out of the loop, but I didn't recognize half of the people there. Who were those people? If they're gonna make a charity single they better put in some of the few people I know like The Gaga and Queen B. (As long as they don't sing "Video Phone" *shudder*)

Lastly, Lil' Wayne? Really??? Not only was it an insult to actual singers who could've had that line but it was also an insult to Bob Dylan who I hear is like, really famous or something.

2. "Leave your ego at the door"
It's said that 25 years ago Quincy Jones told everyone to drop their egos off with a babysitter for the night but I guess ego babysitting is an 80s phenomenon because people seem to have brought theirs along this time.

Ok, so there's actually no evidence of egoism here. From what I hear, Barbra Streisand was the only one who threw a diva fit. But there's something over-processed about WATW 25. Maybe it's because I'm more aware of the beast that is celebrity and how it is usually skips hand-in-hand with huge egos these days. Everyone just seems so glammed up and shiny. Which is what I would've expected from the 80s WATW considering most of those people were just coming from the AMAs. But nope, everyone seemed rather cozy in their WATW sweatshirts. No, "I'm ready for my close-up" hair and make-up.

3. We're so concerned
Man, the beginning with J. Hud and what's-her-face from the Pussycat Dolls (that Nicole chick you don't know) is so full of "look how concerned I am" face that I almost fainted from the overload. I don't disagree that the situation in Haiti is a grave one so people probably shouldn't be having tickle-fights and dancing on tables. But, everyone in WATW 25 seems so aware of what they're doing and it kinda ruins it. I guess, with the legacy of the original hanging over your head it's hard to not know the sort of impact that you could be making. So, I'll give them that. But there's a whole different vibe coming from WATW #1. Everyone seems to be having a good time and there's a real sense of hope as opposed to the morbidity and "This is serious, guys" attitude of WATW 25.

WATW looks like a bunch of people just recording a charity single while WATW 25 looks like a bunch of people recoding a charity single for a music video.

4. Not enough adorableness
Where are the cute people in WATW 25??? WATW had Paul Simon looking adorable with his bad haircut. It had Cyndi Lauper looking adorable with her multi-colored hair and baby face. It had Willie Nelson looking adorable in a "I'm kinda confused" way.

In fact, it's missing a lot of things: big hair (Diana Ross), shoulder pads (LaToya Jackson), mullets (Steve Perry), blind piano players (Stevie and Sir Ray Charles) and Kenny Rogers. At least they kept The Jacket. Good job, guys.


Verdict: Well, there's not much of a verdict; I already said I liked the first one better. Allow me to demonstrate through music math: Tina Turner + Bruce Springsteen + Billy Joel + Diana Ross (- The Supremes) x Ray Charles = Awesome Overload while Miley Cyrus + Justin Beaver** + The Jonas Brothers (- King Kevin) x Lil' Wayne = Kinda Alarming

All in all, I guess the final "verdict" is that WATW 25 lacks the musical prowess and charm of the original. Everything's too glossy and glamorous visually while sonically (whoa!) it sounds disjointed, esp. with the rap bit. I honestly think they should've just hired R. Kelly to churn out one of his famous choir-backed anthems and just left WATW alone. But, it was for charity so I can't hate too much. I'll just be in this corner quietly sipping my haterade.

ciao, muchachos 

*So, I did some research and that jacket (along with the gloves on the cover of the Bad album) are being housed at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex in NYC. I'm thinking we get a group together and go steal it? Let me know! 
**I wish his name really was Justin Beaver because then he'd be a real Canadian.

"Why isn't it ever over when she says, 'ciao!'" you ask. I don't know, I really don't.
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Pop Culture Justice: You SUCK at Parenting

Case Background:
Since the beginning of time, there have been parents and there have been stupid people. Most of the time, when these two worlds collide, (i.e. stupid people + offspring) we get Bad Parents.There are many different ways to define a Bad Parent, but for our purposes, a bad parent is any parent who clearly cares more about everything else (ex. money, fame, drugs, whores) more than the well-being of their children. The Worst Kind of Parent will neglect their children to the point of the offspring's near-demise and still think that the kid is A-OK! (Let's keep up with the math here: stupid people + delusions of the brain + offspring = Worst Kind of Parent) Most of the time these parents are called out for their bad behavior, but are rarely brought before the court of law. The American legal system is slacking and, because I'm such a good citizen, I'm picking up the slack. On the docket today are Michael Lohan and Joe Jackson. This should be fun!
Court is in session.


Case #1
Plaintiffs: Dina "Famewhore" and Lindsay "Leggings" Lohan
Defendant: Michael Lohan
Complaint: Fails majorly at being a dad by constantly airing Lindsay's druggie laundry for the world to smell.
Evidence: If you're a gossip blog frequenter like yours truly, you probably know by now that Michael Lohan keeps releasing private tapes revealing his daughter's personal problems. Some of them are phone calls between him and his ex-wife and some are messages I assume Lindsay left on his phone. I haven't listened to any of these tapes because I'm not really into reveling in the misery of others. (I'm only just a little into it)
Mr. Lohan claims to be releasing these tapes to the public to get Lindsay help for hr alleged drug problems. This is where Mr. Lohan receives a big fat F on his Parent Report Card. The last time I checked, these sort of PRIVATE matters are meant to be dealt with in PRIVACY between the members involved in a PRIVATE manner. Mr. Lohan is doing nothing but bringing upon himself the wrath (via incoherent Twitter rants) of his daughter and his ex-wife (via ET & TMZ, etc./ aka, her best friends)
Mr. Lohan displays his sucky parenting skills by making it quite clear that he doesn't really care if Lindsay gets better but is more concerned with keeping his irrelevant name in the news, especially now that him and Jon Gosselin are no longer torturing the world with their "friendship."
While it's entirely true that Lindsay is doing nothing to get better and is not really hiding her private woes very well (once again, via incoherent Twitter rants), her famewhore of a father has no right to tell everyone just how bad his daughter is. If he wants her to get help then maybe he can do this very innovative thing where you sit a person down, face-to-face, and you - wait for it - TALK TO THEM! Crazy, I know.

Verdict: Due to all the evidence put before me, I have no choice but to find the defendant GUILTY!
Sentence: I sentence Mr. Lohan to share a room with Heidi and Spencer in hell. He'll also have to massage the Devil's foot bunions for 12 hours a day while listening to his daughter's song, "Daughter to Father" on repeat.

Case #2
Plaintiffs: Blanket and his Minions (Oh, you know Blanket's got 'em in check)
Defendant: Joe "My son is worth more dead than alive" Jackson
Complaint: Continues to prove that it is possible to love money, being creepy and scaring children more than your own offspring.
Evidence: Holy Mary Mercy Me! Where to start? No need to go back any further then the recent death of his son, Michael Joesph Jackson. (Anyone else find that so ironic? I can't get over how ironic that is.) When Michael Jackson passed on, Mr. J. Jackson, went trapezing onto the red carpet at the BET awards and started rambling about his record label. Mind you, this was merely days after the death of one of his children; which is often cited as being one of the biggest emotional upheavals a parent can experience. We gave him the benefit of the doubt though. "People grieve in different ways," we replied. "Maybe he's still in shock," we said. "Maybe he's getting senile," we shrugged.
However, it has come to my attention that Joe Jackson is neither senile, shocked nor even grieving. Nope. Dude is just shameless. I almost admire it. Mr. Jackson just has no shame. He doesn't even try to fake like he's not happy he's getting some extra money from all this. If I were in his place, I'd at least try to squeeze out a tear or two for sympathy but no, not Joe Jackson, no siree.
It became increasingly clear that Mr. Jackson loves da sweet mula when he recently tried to get his grubby hands on his dead son's estate, even after MJ wrote HELL NO on his will where it said, "Money for your dad?". (In case you didn't know, that's how a will is formated. It's just a series of questions about who gets your money, your kids and your favorite PJs.) When asked about his grandfather's attempt to get his share of the estate, Blanket replied that he "Ain't having none of that shiznit." You go boy - take names and kick ass. I'm behind you all the way. I can't not get behind a kid who's hair is almost longer than he is tall.*

Verdict: ANYWHO (luscious hair is distracting), Joe Jackson is a sucky parent because, like his friend Mr. Lohan, he's really bad at pretending he likes his kids more than money and fame. Therefore, I find this dude GUILTY!
Sentence: Mr. Jackson will be responsible for the upkeep of his grandson, Blanket's luscious locs until he comes of age. When he's not brushing and conditioning hair, Mr. Jackson will get the Sisyphus treatment. Except, instead of a boulder, it will be a big ball of money. Then, when it gets to the bottom of the hill, it will break and all the money will be snatched up by poor, but very strong, orphans. Then, Mr. Jackson will have to wrestle each and every dollar from each and every poor (but very strong!), orphan and reassemble the dollars back into their ball form. He will then roll the ball back up the hill and that will go on forever and ever with "Speed Demon" on loop. Elaborate, I know.

Well, that'll show those two to mess with Judge K.I.A.

ciao, bellas.

*Because you care so much, I'm sure you will be happy to know that one of my fellow judge-people repeated MJ's HELL NO. Then he told Mr. Jackson to go home and read a book or something. I'd also throw some French toast eating in there because French toast cures ALL. TRUTH.

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Your Fangirls Are Very Very Scary

According to Wikipedia (center of all human knowledge), the term fangirl describes "a female member of a fandom community (counterpart to the masculine "fanboy"). Fangirls may be more devoted to emotional and romantic aspects of their fandom, especially shipping" but "is commonly used in a derogatory sense to describe a girl's obsession with something." Also! "Fangirl behavior can fall anywhere in this spectrum, but the closer someone is believed to be towards the obsessive end, the more derogatory the use of the term 'fangirl' to describe them is perceived to be."


Wikipedia's being much too nice. I think they should just replace that whole section with the following: "A bunch of crazy, obsessed, delusional and horny chicks who make a person, usually a man, feel fear in his heart and genitals due to their insane amounts of 'love'" It's short, sweet, true and to the point.

Eddie Cullen
Twilight fangirls are, in general, very alarming. However, even more alarming, is the intense amount of infatuation directed toward the fictional character of Edward Cullen. Why the all the Eddie love? Well, from what I can gather Edward is really, really hot, super attentive and has a really cool car. This is all funny to me because I don't find cold, hard, marble-like skin to be hot. I also don't find it romantic to have a man watching me sleep without my permission. And I'm not that turned on by Volvos - they're quite standard, no?

But, a lot of girls (and grown women) out there would beg to differ. Eddie really is their dream guy. Just look on Facebook and you'll see numerous bumper stickers lamenting the fact that real male population is nothing compared to their hot hunk of marble. Some guys have even claimed to have their girlfriends break up with them because they couldn't live up to Eddie's standards. Now, I don't know if this is true but I can believe it.

I guess the reason Twihards scare me is because they really are obsessed with this fictional character. He seems to feed some sort of hidden fantasy that exists within a large part of the female population. Nothing wrong with some fantasizing but when fantasizing turns you into a drooling, obsessed creature that can't cope with the fictionality of a book character, than maybe you should take a breather. Or smoke some weed. I dunno...just CHILAX.


The JoBros
Once upon a time, when I would consider the nature of tween girls, I wouldn't add "rapist" to the mix. However, since the dawn of The Jonas Brothers, I've had to change my thoughts on the tweeny bopper crowd. How ironic that the super pure Jonas Brothers seem to bring out the dirtiest thoughts in their seemingly innocent fans.

(Man, I wish I'd kept screenshots of these things so I could have proof, but, since I'm the authority here, you'll just have to believe me. Or else...)

Anyway, please believe me when I say there are little girls on the internetz who talk about doing dirrrtay things to Nick and Joe. King Kevin is often left out but that's ok b/c he's too good for that stuff anyway. Also scary, as a friend pointed out to me, are all the older ladies who are keeping a firm eye on resident jailbait, Nicky. (Stay strong ladies - he's got only 2 more years to go.)

I wish I could explain the fangirl love for the JoBros but this is one I honestly don't get. Is it their "music"? I mean, yeah, I guess it's annoyingly catchy. Or is it their "hotness"? I mean, I'm sorry, but Joe Jonas does not do it for me. But I can kinda see the appeal of Nick. He's got cute curly hair! And those freakishly muscular arms. Is that what it is, fangirls? Do Nick's arms turn you on?

Dunno...I guess I'll just accept their explanation that they're great "musicians" and really, very "hot." What I do know is that Mama Jonas may have a right to fear her poor wittle boys being seduced. Also, because I care, a bit of advice for Nicky: Invest in a padlock for your pants as an 18th birthday gift to yourself. You won't regret it.


Da King O' Pop
I mean, it really shouldn't be surprising that King Michael Joseph Jackson has crazy fans but it really did blow my mind that MJ has fangirls.

Now, like most of the others, I can see why MJ attracts the crazies. MJ did that odd thing that only a few people can do: successfully mix adorableness with sexiness. Not only that, MJ had the whole sensitive, loving, in-touch with his feelings thing going on that a lot of women found attractive. So I can see it...yea, I can see it.

Weirdly enough though, MJ has become a sort of Ed Cullen for his fangirls. They wish all men could be sensitive, loving and in-touch with his feelings. I can appreciate this. (I can also digg lusting after a real, albeit dead, man more than I can understand lusting after a fictional character.) But MJ, like Sr. Cullen, was far from perfect. I mean, he reeked of awesome but he obviously had a whole host of other problems that needed to be dealt with. I think all the MJ fangirls bought into his little Mickey Mouse front. I understand that it's hard, but you must look past the crotch grabbing and cute smile and see the flaws. Yes, even as an MJ fan, I believe his innocent persona was about 60% real. (And that is a precise mathematical calculation, mis amigos.) He was a smart guy so I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

But hey, some gals are into the whole "tortured soul" thing so, lust away MJ fans, lust away.


RPattz
Poor RPattz!! Of all the people I've named here, I feel for him the most. Eddie Cullen isn't real so he's safe. The JoBros are pure so they're somewhat unavailable. And, well MJ is dead (sadness)...I sure hope someone is keeping his genitals safe. But RPattz...poor, poor, Robert Pattinson! He had no idea what he was getting into. Now he's being constantly bombarded by crazy, teen virgins and sex-deprived housewives!

I think RPattz love comes from two places: (1) Ed Cullen projection and (2) Genuine attraction. We've already talked about how CRAZY Twihards are so it's really no surprise at all that their enamored with RPattz. He's the real life incarnation of oh-so-unattainable Eddie. So, these ladies, being out of their friggin' minds, show their love by violating his space and asking him to bite them. Yes, real life women really, in real, actual life, walk up to Robert Pattinson and really, actually in actual actuality ask him to bite them. You feeling his pain yet?

All I can say is that the government should look into pumping more money into mental health. RPattz is (inadvertently) breeding the crazy.
_______

I guess we can all agree that fangirls seem to suffer from some sort of delusion problem. These men (if you consider Nick and Joe Jonas to be "men") seem to represent some romantic/sexual fantasy for these girls. So, because they can't have them, they become obsessively devoted. Fangirls cross that delicate line between fan and FAN!!!111!!!1!! A fan sees the humanity and flaws of their idol while fangirls build shrines to their perfect gods in the back of their closets. And do dirty things with their pictures...but we don't have to go there. Not today at least *WINK!*

Don't get me wrong though: fangirls are a great source of entertainment and I wholeheartedly support their cause. Keep on keepin' on gals! I'm right behind you enjoying a bowl of lolz.

Note: It is ALWAYS good to find a way to end your posts with the word "lolz."

ciao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. A Letter to Mrs. Katherine Jackson: Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I am sorry to inform you that your dear grandson, Prince Michael Joseph Jackson Jr., (?? I still can't figure out what your son was doing with his sons' names) has developed a fangirl following. Yes, I know your mouth is opening in horror at the soiling of your precious 12-year-old grandson's innocence. I, too, am appalled by old, krusty women referring to him as...sexy. (*shudder*) Please, do all that you can to keep him safe from these effed up ladies and tweenbots. For, in the blink of an eye, he will be 18 and therefore, fair game. I wish you all the best.
Much love,
Ms. KIA.

P.P.S. - Stop, hold up, name change! Thought I'd stop stealing stuff from Dana Carvey and Co.
P.P.P.S. - You're still reading?!
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