Video Vomit: "Blessed Virgins Unite" Edition

I have two sickly videos for your enjoyment (read: ridicule) today. Hope you're ready!



"Can't be Tamed" by the Blessed Virgin Miley


Y'all know I couldn't go without commenting on my girl Miley's latest attempt to conquer the music world.


So, I'm not sure if we'll be seeing this one on the Disney channel. Miley thought her booty shorts and butt popping weren't enough to christen the new, sexy Miley so she took it a step further by ditching the pants completely and attaching feathers to her arms. Yes, I know, HOTT.


As I'm sure you expected, there was "controversy" over Miley's "sexy" new look. I don't know why though. This is pretty tame if you consider Britney and Christina's  foray into the world of sexy. All she's doing is giving herself some rub downs and pretending she's maybe about to kiss another girl. Miley's attempt is only decent. She needs to know that if there's no oil, midriff or heavy breathing then it ain't sexy. (Ass-less chaps help too.) But it's ok that Miley's getting it wrong because her attempts at "sexiness" just makes me uncomfortable. I wish she would've regarded Senorita McTree's advice and put her under-age boobies away because I really don't need to see that. (Oh yeah, and our Blessed Virgin Miley said "hell." *gasp* Miley's a regular BAMF, no?)


I'm gonna have to go ahead and admit the video isn't that bad. The "sexy" bird thing is...different. Not terrible just...different. But those CGI wings? Pretty cool. Also, Miley tries her hand at dancing again and it's...different. Thank god for editing, right?


As for the song? Well, let me make a quick confession. *sigh* Here it goes. "Party in the USA" is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know, I know. Please don't judge me. (This cover's pretty cool though) This song though? Eh, not so much. It's not as catchy (thank god). That won't stop it from getting stuck in my head but at least I won't like it.


Anyway, I told Miley a while ago to hold off on the sexy but she didn't listen to my advice. So, lets try this again: I know you're itching to get away from Disney but you need to hold on until your (18th) birthday this year! Then, buy yourself a big vat of baby oil, get yourself a tramp stamp, buy an ill-fitting sports bra and some booty shorts, and rent out an abandoned warehouse for a night of grinding, body rolls and writhing. Mickey will drop you like a hot potato and then you'll be forever free to slut it up.


If you're interested in even more Miley Vomit, you can check out the video from RadarOnline where she's giving Adam Shankman a 'lap dance.' [insert dramatic eye roll here] Puh-lease. Miley's just doing what we all did at 16 - grinding up on our gay, middle-aged friends. Prudes.
"It's On" by the cast of Camp Rock 2 


So, next up we have a music video from Disney's latest audio/visual abomination Camp Rock 2. What to tackle first?


Well, let's get this part out of the way: the song sucks.
Cool; moving on.


Ok, so the Jonas Brothers are back again. I've kinda been missing them (read: Kevin). In an ironic turn of events, Kevin steals the show by hardly being in the music video. This is the way you do things. It's true that Disney's cheap cameras can hardly handle the man that is Kevin Jonas but we know Kevin also demanded that his image not be tarnished by excessive association with the aforementioned A/V abomination. Mickey knew what was good for him and respected his wishes. As for Nick, what I love about this kid is his talent for looking 1) really bored no matter the circumstance, 2) constipated or 3) both. I know he tried to look like he was really into playing the drums but we all know that Nick Jonas is never excited about anything. Annnnnd, I refuse to comment on Joe Jonas.


In typical Disney fashion, Mickey has waved his magical wand and now our little break dancing wonder and former co-host of Mike's Super-Short Show, Alyson Stoner is also a singer. When did this happen?!? Oh, yes, I forgot I already answered my own question: magic. Also, in typical Disney fashion being a black dude = rapper and urban. Duh.


Now on to Demi. I think she's turning into a vampire. She's so pale the light is reflecting off her face at some points. (Major fail lighting guy!) I bet it's the Jonas kid's fault. Run, Demi! He's sucking the life out of you!*


As for the video itself - it's very anti-climatic. They're just in a big, black room with lots of lights. It's not interesting. If they were going for a dance battle couldn't we get some bright colours and cool dancing? No, because this is Disney and their recent mission is to suck as hard as humanly possible. Anywayssss, the beginning, though only a couple seconds long, is warning me against watching this movie. It's screaming: CAUTION: BAD ACTING AHEAD! Also, I'm no fashionista but aren't their clothes weird? Dunno...to me they are. It's like the wardrobe person brought in a box of random clothes 5 minutes before shooting and told everyone to grab something quick. And I'm also not a dancer but their dancing is weird to look at. It's not pleasing to my eyes. They're like popping and stuff and it's awkward. Where's Michael Peters when you need him?


Basically, I have nothing particularly nice to say about this music video. Sorry guys. Better luck next time? JK. Please, don't try it again. Two is actually two times too many.


In other news, I will totally be watching this mess.


...cheers!


P.S. - Welcome to our tags, The Disney Machine. We've been expecting you.
P.P.S. - I just noticed that Brit Brit is wearing her underwear on the outside of her pants in the "Slave 4 U" music video. Weird...
P.P.P.S. - Michael Peter's is in heaven when you need him - in case you were wondering. (RIP)
*So the romance of the century has already ended. That was fast.  Keep reading...

Video Vomit: "Rup. G Panty Creamer" Edition

This needs no explanation, no commentary. Simply read the title, then feast your eyes.

You're welcome.


ciao!
;)
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Video Vomit: "We Didn't Need to See That" Edition

The Juicebox gives you an early holiday present. Enjoy!

Ok. Let's talk about this before it gets too old. Today's vomit comes courtesy of Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. "Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga" was never a collaboration I could ever in my wildest dreams imagine. So, naturally my head almost exploded the first time I saw this video. Lucky I'm not epileptic because I almost had a seizure too.

I went through a range of emotions when I first saw this video:

Before I even clicked on the link I was nervous. What kind of trauma was I about to endure? The song is called "Video Phone;" you can't write a song about a video phone. Well, Beyoncé, being mistress of her domain (whatever that means) proved me wrong. You can write a song about video phones, kiddies. Not a good song, but a song nonetheless. (I guess Nelly's ode to his Air Force Ones shoulda clued me in)

Next I felt confused. "What's Rihanna doing in this video?" I thought. It took me a couple seconds but I soon realized that it was Beyoncé. After my brain settled I began to feel concern. It appeared that someone had attacked Beyoncé and taken most of her clothing. I wondered why those men, who appear to be bodyguards, did nothing to prevent Beyoncé from being violated in such a manner. However, I soon realized that B was probably just on her way to the pool for a swim in her sparkly bathing suit, trench coat and leather boots. Those men are probably just on sunscreen duty.

As the video progressed I began to feel anger. What was Beyoncé doing with my favorite Star trooper bra and panties?! I want them back.

Then I was amazed! Beyoncé's backside appears to have some kind of...mystical power! It entrances men; especially those with cameras for heads.

Most of the video passed without incident up until another wave of confuzzlement washed over me. What the hell?! Why is Bette Midler in this music video? And how'd she get so young?! It wasn't until "Bette Midler" began spazzing out...I mean, dancing (?) that I realized it was Lady Gaga. And then I was just amused by how little she was compared to Queen B. (Wittle Gaga!!)

After the chair dance, I spent the rest of the video being angry that I was still watching the video.

...

As I've said before, I do think Beyoncé is talented and I tend to think Gaga is too. But they're too much for me! Do you see the kind of pain they put me through? The whole video was grossly unnecessary. I'm glad that Beyoncé got to channel her inner Rihanna (hair), Gaga (lots of pantslessness), Winehouse (eye makeup), and Miley (butt popping). And it warms my heart (not really) to hear her make sex noises in my ear. But none of this is new. Actually, seeing Lady Gaga almost rip her own head off was kinda interesting. Eh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason I would watch this video again is if I wanted to induce a seizure to get out of finals. Hmm...that's not a bad idea...

ciao :]

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Video Vomit: "She's Just Being Miley" Edition

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Miley.

I know I already talked about Miley's "Party in the USA" performance at the TCAs and I didn't really plan on revisiting that gross song until Miley one-upped herself with the BEAUTIFUL gem that is her music video. Ok - I'm not gonna lie. I was eagerly awaiting this video. And it's everything I hoped it would be - and more!

First of all, it seems like Miley is wearing a recycled TCA outfit with a few minor tweaks. For one, she dumped the sparkly latex booty shorts for the even more classy denim booty shorts. She then decided that just showing her bra wasn't enough. So, Billy Ray took his bestest bud out to Victoria's Secret and got her a nice push up bra to wear. Aw, good old-fashion father/daughter time. So not only do we get to ogle her butt, we also get an eye of her underage bosom. Grand!

But Miley doesn't stop there. No. She's a true performer and she takes it all the way. My favorite part comes circa 3:05 when Miley shows how a true Virgin puts it down. Pop that booty girl! Show us how it's done!

There actually isn't that much going on in this video besides Miley bouncing around that...wherever the hell she is and grabbing at her luscious weave. She proves to us, once again, that she's not a very good dancer. However, she can pop her butt and do body rolls so that's good, I guess. It really isn't very scandalous (We've seen worse, no?) but it does scream "Please believe I'm so mature for 16!" and "I really wanna be a sex symbol!"

My only advice is: Leave the sexiness to the pros, Miley. Be patient my child for one day you will get to slut it up like no one's slutted it up before. One day.

ciao :)

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Video Vomit: WTF Edition

Major WTF-ness from the video world over the last couple of weeks. Let's get recent.

First off: Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards 2009

I didn't watch this grossfest but I did hear that my idol would be performing so I had to go to YouTube and check that mess out. I was pleased to see that it wasn't a mess but actually a masterful showcase by a true performer. It has all the makings of a great performance: Acknowledgment of trailer park past? Check! Painted on booty shorts? Check! Sparkly shirt that reveals bra? Check! Stripper pole on top of an ice cream cart? Check! Song/singing that makes my ears hurt but is oddly catchy? Check and check! I don't know what they're waiting for - just give Miley the artist of the millennium award already! She's proved she deserves it.

On a more serious note - WTF?! Isn't Miley only 16 years old? That's a bit young to be whoring it up in such a major way. I know that thing wasn't necessarily a stripper pole but she sure did seem to know her way around one. Miley didn't know it but when she was presenting Britney Spears with her Lifetime Achievement Award (HA!) she was looking at a potential future her. I don't know whether to be entertained by this idea or alarmed. The evil being inside me is looking forward to being entertained. Weee!

Here's the Blessed Virgin Miley keeping it classy at the 2009 TCA:



Secondly: "Best I Ever Had" music video

This video is chock-full of WTF. But even more than that, it's chock-full of major boobage. Take a gander:



Wondering why this video is so friggin'...weird? Three words: Kanye West directed. If that isn't enough of an explanation for you than I don't really know what to tell you. Now I know Aubrey Graham isn't living under a rock so he has to know, like the rest of us, that Kanye West is made of crazy. So why he even let him within 10 miles of this video is beyond me. But, I'm sure he has his reasoning. I actually like this song (How brilliant are these lyrics?: "She call me the referee cause I be so official. My shirt aint got no stripes, but I can make ya pussy whiiiiiiiistle...like The Andy Griffith theme song..") And I don't care enough to be offended by the gross amount of cleavage. So I'll cut him some slack because it's his first mainstream video and because he's from Canada. Just stay away from Kanye next time, Drake, good buddy.

You know, sometimes I get sad and think "Gee, excellent music and awesome, quality music videos died with Michael Jackson." But then I hear Miley's beautiful smoker's warble or get an eyeful of Double-D cleavage and I breathe a sigh of relief: "Music is gonna be alright."

...ciao!

P.S. - Do you feel letdown or happy on a Thursday the 13th? I feel a little letdown - who knows what interesting things could've happened had it been a Friday??
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