Video Vomit: "Blessed Virgins Unite" Edition

I have two sickly videos for your enjoyment (read: ridicule) today. Hope you're ready!



"Can't be Tamed" by the Blessed Virgin Miley


Y'all know I couldn't go without commenting on my girl Miley's latest attempt to conquer the music world.


So, I'm not sure if we'll be seeing this one on the Disney channel. Miley thought her booty shorts and butt popping weren't enough to christen the new, sexy Miley so she took it a step further by ditching the pants completely and attaching feathers to her arms. Yes, I know, HOTT.


As I'm sure you expected, there was "controversy" over Miley's "sexy" new look. I don't know why though. This is pretty tame if you consider Britney and Christina's  foray into the world of sexy. All she's doing is giving herself some rub downs and pretending she's maybe about to kiss another girl. Miley's attempt is only decent. She needs to know that if there's no oil, midriff or heavy breathing then it ain't sexy. (Ass-less chaps help too.) But it's ok that Miley's getting it wrong because her attempts at "sexiness" just makes me uncomfortable. I wish she would've regarded Senorita McTree's advice and put her under-age boobies away because I really don't need to see that. (Oh yeah, and our Blessed Virgin Miley said "hell." *gasp* Miley's a regular BAMF, no?)


I'm gonna have to go ahead and admit the video isn't that bad. The "sexy" bird thing is...different. Not terrible just...different. But those CGI wings? Pretty cool. Also, Miley tries her hand at dancing again and it's...different. Thank god for editing, right?


As for the song? Well, let me make a quick confession. *sigh* Here it goes. "Party in the USA" is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know, I know. Please don't judge me. (This cover's pretty cool though) This song though? Eh, not so much. It's not as catchy (thank god). That won't stop it from getting stuck in my head but at least I won't like it.


Anyway, I told Miley a while ago to hold off on the sexy but she didn't listen to my advice. So, lets try this again: I know you're itching to get away from Disney but you need to hold on until your (18th) birthday this year! Then, buy yourself a big vat of baby oil, get yourself a tramp stamp, buy an ill-fitting sports bra and some booty shorts, and rent out an abandoned warehouse for a night of grinding, body rolls and writhing. Mickey will drop you like a hot potato and then you'll be forever free to slut it up.


If you're interested in even more Miley Vomit, you can check out the video from RadarOnline where she's giving Adam Shankman a 'lap dance.' [insert dramatic eye roll here] Puh-lease. Miley's just doing what we all did at 16 - grinding up on our gay, middle-aged friends. Prudes.
"It's On" by the cast of Camp Rock 2 


So, next up we have a music video from Disney's latest audio/visual abomination Camp Rock 2. What to tackle first?


Well, let's get this part out of the way: the song sucks.
Cool; moving on.


Ok, so the Jonas Brothers are back again. I've kinda been missing them (read: Kevin). In an ironic turn of events, Kevin steals the show by hardly being in the music video. This is the way you do things. It's true that Disney's cheap cameras can hardly handle the man that is Kevin Jonas but we know Kevin also demanded that his image not be tarnished by excessive association with the aforementioned A/V abomination. Mickey knew what was good for him and respected his wishes. As for Nick, what I love about this kid is his talent for looking 1) really bored no matter the circumstance, 2) constipated or 3) both. I know he tried to look like he was really into playing the drums but we all know that Nick Jonas is never excited about anything. Annnnnd, I refuse to comment on Joe Jonas.


In typical Disney fashion, Mickey has waved his magical wand and now our little break dancing wonder and former co-host of Mike's Super-Short Show, Alyson Stoner is also a singer. When did this happen?!? Oh, yes, I forgot I already answered my own question: magic. Also, in typical Disney fashion being a black dude = rapper and urban. Duh.


Now on to Demi. I think she's turning into a vampire. She's so pale the light is reflecting off her face at some points. (Major fail lighting guy!) I bet it's the Jonas kid's fault. Run, Demi! He's sucking the life out of you!*


As for the video itself - it's very anti-climatic. They're just in a big, black room with lots of lights. It's not interesting. If they were going for a dance battle couldn't we get some bright colours and cool dancing? No, because this is Disney and their recent mission is to suck as hard as humanly possible. Anywayssss, the beginning, though only a couple seconds long, is warning me against watching this movie. It's screaming: CAUTION: BAD ACTING AHEAD! Also, I'm no fashionista but aren't their clothes weird? Dunno...to me they are. It's like the wardrobe person brought in a box of random clothes 5 minutes before shooting and told everyone to grab something quick. And I'm also not a dancer but their dancing is weird to look at. It's not pleasing to my eyes. They're like popping and stuff and it's awkward. Where's Michael Peters when you need him?


Basically, I have nothing particularly nice to say about this music video. Sorry guys. Better luck next time? JK. Please, don't try it again. Two is actually two times too many.


In other news, I will totally be watching this mess.


...cheers!


P.S. - Welcome to our tags, The Disney Machine. We've been expecting you.
P.P.S. - I just noticed that Brit Brit is wearing her underwear on the outside of her pants in the "Slave 4 U" music video. Weird...
P.P.P.S. - Michael Peter's is in heaven when you need him - in case you were wondering. (RIP)
*So the romance of the century has already ended. That was fast.  Keep reading...

Video Vomit: "She's Just Being Miley" Edition

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Miley.

I know I already talked about Miley's "Party in the USA" performance at the TCAs and I didn't really plan on revisiting that gross song until Miley one-upped herself with the BEAUTIFUL gem that is her music video. Ok - I'm not gonna lie. I was eagerly awaiting this video. And it's everything I hoped it would be - and more!

First of all, it seems like Miley is wearing a recycled TCA outfit with a few minor tweaks. For one, she dumped the sparkly latex booty shorts for the even more classy denim booty shorts. She then decided that just showing her bra wasn't enough. So, Billy Ray took his bestest bud out to Victoria's Secret and got her a nice push up bra to wear. Aw, good old-fashion father/daughter time. So not only do we get to ogle her butt, we also get an eye of her underage bosom. Grand!

But Miley doesn't stop there. No. She's a true performer and she takes it all the way. My favorite part comes circa 3:05 when Miley shows how a true Virgin puts it down. Pop that booty girl! Show us how it's done!

There actually isn't that much going on in this video besides Miley bouncing around that...wherever the hell she is and grabbing at her luscious weave. She proves to us, once again, that she's not a very good dancer. However, she can pop her butt and do body rolls so that's good, I guess. It really isn't very scandalous (We've seen worse, no?) but it does scream "Please believe I'm so mature for 16!" and "I really wanna be a sex symbol!"

My only advice is: Leave the sexiness to the pros, Miley. Be patient my child for one day you will get to slut it up like no one's slutted it up before. One day.

ciao :)

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Video Vomit: WTF Edition

Major WTF-ness from the video world over the last couple of weeks. Let's get recent.

First off: Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards 2009

I didn't watch this grossfest but I did hear that my idol would be performing so I had to go to YouTube and check that mess out. I was pleased to see that it wasn't a mess but actually a masterful showcase by a true performer. It has all the makings of a great performance: Acknowledgment of trailer park past? Check! Painted on booty shorts? Check! Sparkly shirt that reveals bra? Check! Stripper pole on top of an ice cream cart? Check! Song/singing that makes my ears hurt but is oddly catchy? Check and check! I don't know what they're waiting for - just give Miley the artist of the millennium award already! She's proved she deserves it.

On a more serious note - WTF?! Isn't Miley only 16 years old? That's a bit young to be whoring it up in such a major way. I know that thing wasn't necessarily a stripper pole but she sure did seem to know her way around one. Miley didn't know it but when she was presenting Britney Spears with her Lifetime Achievement Award (HA!) she was looking at a potential future her. I don't know whether to be entertained by this idea or alarmed. The evil being inside me is looking forward to being entertained. Weee!

Here's the Blessed Virgin Miley keeping it classy at the 2009 TCA:



Secondly: "Best I Ever Had" music video

This video is chock-full of WTF. But even more than that, it's chock-full of major boobage. Take a gander:



Wondering why this video is so friggin'...weird? Three words: Kanye West directed. If that isn't enough of an explanation for you than I don't really know what to tell you. Now I know Aubrey Graham isn't living under a rock so he has to know, like the rest of us, that Kanye West is made of crazy. So why he even let him within 10 miles of this video is beyond me. But, I'm sure he has his reasoning. I actually like this song (How brilliant are these lyrics?: "She call me the referee cause I be so official. My shirt aint got no stripes, but I can make ya pussy whiiiiiiiistle...like The Andy Griffith theme song..") And I don't care enough to be offended by the gross amount of cleavage. So I'll cut him some slack because it's his first mainstream video and because he's from Canada. Just stay away from Kanye next time, Drake, good buddy.

You know, sometimes I get sad and think "Gee, excellent music and awesome, quality music videos died with Michael Jackson." But then I hear Miley's beautiful smoker's warble or get an eyeful of Double-D cleavage and I breathe a sigh of relief: "Music is gonna be alright."

...ciao!

P.S. - Do you feel letdown or happy on a Thursday the 13th? I feel a little letdown - who knows what interesting things could've happened had it been a Friday??
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Real Talk: The MTV Movie Awards

Well, I better talk about this waste of an hour and a half before it becomes old news. Sigh. lol. 

Andy Samberg. Real Talk: He was an alright host. I can't say that I've ever tortured myself with the MTV Movie Awards before so I can't compare him to other hosts. He wasn't really there that much so there isn't really much to say about him. He was as adorable and charming as usual so I didn't mind him at all. Also, his rap at the beginning was pretty awesome. Gotta love the guy. 

Hair. Real Talk: The most interesting part of the show. I know you're supposed to pay attention to people's outfits when they come to these things but, eh, who really cares? I was more into the tresses. Ok, so first off was Ashley Tisdale's new brown hair. I thought it looked yucky - sorta like poop. The sad part? That's her natural hair color. Hmmm...Then there was ZEfron's hair. Ugh. Someone give that kid a haircut and please, wash it while you're at it. I don't know why he thinks it looks good to look like you've dunked your head in chicken fat. It's not attractive.  Lastly was Zachary Quinto's hair. If I were a white guy, I would do my hair like Zac Q. It was adorable and only added to his overall hotness. It makes me sad that Heroes sucks so bad that I won't even watch it to catch a glimpse of Zac Q's attractiveness. 

RPattz & KStew. Real Talk: I am now officially in love with these two. Yes, I know I've already expressed my love for RPattz, but I now need to add KStew to that list. I loved how exasperated RPattz seemed to be by the numerous awards that he was winning. Each time he got up to accept an award he either had an "Oh great," "Here we go again" or, "Good God!" look on his face. KStew also shared this sentiment. But I didn't just love KStew for her shared disgust at the awards.  I loved that she had to take a couple puffs of the good stuff for to be able to sit through the snooze fest. Ha. Keep smoking that green KStew! It makes you much more interesting. 

Megan Fox. Real Talk: Blech. Was it just me or was she giving major bitchface? Only RPattz and KStew are allowed to give bitchface at the MTV Movie Awards. Ms. Fox doesn't run the risk of being attacked by Twihards so she can just take her mean mug face elsewhere. Like, to hell. 

Eminem. Real Talk: By now we all know that the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged but that doesn't stop it from being HIlarious. As for his performance, I've never really been a fan so I can't comment too much on his music except to say, geez, he's really behind on the times. All his pop culture references are old as hell. Get with the times, my friend. And what's up with his super skinniness? It makes his ears look really big. (I wish I had a good Dumbo joke to stick in here...)

Blessed Virgin Miley. Real Talk: This chick is letting me down! Did you see her dancing to that un-Godly Eminem music? She is NOT doing a good job maintaining her Blessed Virgin status. Occasional shout-outs to God won't save your doomed soul Miley! You better watch yourself. 

D.Rad. Real Talk: He's awesome. 'Nuff said.

Overall evaluation?  Real Talk: It sucked. It was too long and too boring. That being said, I wasn't too disappointed because I didn't expect much. It was cool seeing the fake and real New Moon trailers (I'm looking forward to choking on more egg rolls come this November.) And the medley of Lonely Island songs was very entertaining. However, those two events weren't enought to save it. All in all, it was a waste of time. Why they're still making these things, I don't know. But, if I get to see a stoned KStew drop another golden popcorn, I think I might sit through another one. Might. 

P.S. - Did you know that Selena Gomez was dating Taylor Lautner (aka Jacob from Twilight)? Supposedly they broke up. Ugh. Why, again, do I care about these things?

2009 MTV Movie Award logo property of MTV/Viacom

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Why I Love...Bonus Round!

So, faithful reader, last month I neglected to tell you what I loved so I'm making up for it by giving you more of a "Why I Was Amused By..." post. Only thing is I didn't allow myself to watch this crap last month. Instead, I finally gave myself permission to watch it, like, 4 minutes ago. Anyway, here it is!
---------------------------------------
Why I Was Amused By...
...the Hoedown Throwdown




The Hoedown Throwdown is NOT the title of a business manual for inner-city pimps. It is actually the name of a fancy little dance number by Miley Cyrus & Co. for her new epic film masterpiece. Now, I want you to take a quick glimpse at that cute little dance. I'll give you a minute...
...did you watch it? Did you learn it? No! Of course you didn't! There are 5,000 steps! My understanding is that this is from one of those scenes in the movie were our cute and clever protagonist shows his/her audience a dance about 2 times and 10 seconds later everyone is on their feet doing each step perfectly. Normally I believe it. I mean, that "Beat It" dance was simple. (Yes, I know that's a music video. Same difference.) But this dance? I feel like I might need to take a couple years of intense dance lessons before I can even begin to learn it. Not to mention that horrendous song. Is it still possible to learn the dance steps if you wear ear plugs and hum a different tune?

Anywayz, I just wanted to share that piece of gold. I hope you all are learning the Hoedown Throwdown before the movie comes out next month.
Seriously though Miley, you could've just slapped a bitch and called it the same thing. Way easier.
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Pop Culture Justice: You Stole My Song and Made It Smell Like Crap

No better way to start off the New Year than with a brand new feature...Woo hoo! Welcome to Pop Culture Justice where I, the Honorable Judge Cuteness, dish out pop culture justice that has long been overdue. Please, sit back, and ENJOY.
Disclaimer: Because I know nothing about law proceedings, this feature will in no way, shape or form resemble a court case. If you want something that slightly resembles a court case, I'd suggest Law and Order: SVU. Only SVU, mind you. The other ones kinda suck now.

CASE BACKGROUND:
Disney and Nick have proved to me that these days zero talent is needed to become a successful pop star. Not that certain artists haven't already showed me this fact but these two have just helped to drive the point home. In the Disney/Nick star-making process, a necessary step is the SONG. Besides incessant TV spots, unnecessary products and magazine covers, these aspiring teen pop stars need actual SONGS to sing. (Believe it or not, these SONGS happen to be the core of a music career) Now, network execs are usually working on a pretty sizable crop of potential pop stars, so they can't bother to go through the annoying business of writing original songs for these kids to sing. Pssh. What do you think this is? These execs need to come up with fast, easy SONGS for the kiddies to "sing." So what do they do? The trend seems to be: 1) borrow from obscure British pop bands/singers, 2) olden timey people the younguns have never heard of or 3) failure singers who weren't Disney or Nick enough to have anyone notice they were attempting to make music. #1 seems to be the most popular.

So, you're like, Ok - nothing really wrong with a little borrowing. And I agree. Art is def about using the world around you to create your own art. Sometimes this involves inspiration by other people's art. But I being to disagree with borrowing when all you do is ruin songs with your "singing" and make my precious ears bleed.

This is an injustice. Not only to my ears but also to the people that put so much time into making these songs. Yes, some of them sucked the first time around but that just gives more reason as to why they should have been left alone. For too long, diva Nick and Disney "singers" have been ruining the lives of these original artists and the general public.

But justice will be served.

CASE #1
Plaintiff: Sugababes (British girl group I've never heard of)
Defendant: Miranda Cosgrove (seen in Drake and Josh and iCarly)
Complaint: Ms. Cosgrove covered their hit single (so I read on Wikipedia) "About You Now" while doing nothing to help the common belief that white people can't dance

Verdict: The defendant, Ms. Cosgrove made many errors in her execution of the song "About You Now." First of all, she can't sing...not very well at least. The next major mistake was the way the music video was executed. Although not entirely Ms. Cosgrove's doing, she did agree to partake in the abomination and should therefore be treated like the criminal she is.

Here are music video highlights that make the Sugababes winners: tight clothing, London backdrop, ample cleavage, hot lead dude, dissing of handicapped people, bridges, sultry wall humping and jumping over things. Especially impressive was the jumping over things whilst dissing handicapped people.

Here are mistakes that Ms. Cosgrove and her team made: not hot enough lead dude, weird floppy hat, bad dancing, NO CLEAVAGE, lame-ass Mall of America backdrop and solo photo booth cheesing (LAME!). Although Ms. Cosgrove made small efforts by wearing shiny shoes and including a fun escalator ride, this does not excuse the fact that she ruined the pop masterpiece "About You Now."
Therefore, I find her GUILTY!

Sentence: Ms. Cosgrove will be required to be trapped in her show-within-a-show (the grossly unfunny webshow iCarly) for 3 whole seasons. Hopefully there she will learn how to sing and how to hump a wall in a sultry fashion.

CASE #2
Plaintiff: Busted (another Brit group that has recently joined my knowledge pool)
Defendant: The Jonas Brothers (seen...well, freakin' everywhere!)
Complaint: The pussyfication of such songs as "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000"

Verdict: It's kinda ok to be lame but starting out lame is not a good idea for a "music career." Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made this grave mistake when they covered the songs "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000" by British sensation, Busted. The original "What I Go To School For" featured the touching story of a student's love for his hot teacher. In the end of the story, both the teacher and student express their love for each other and ride off into the sunset. A happy ending - not unlike the fairytale romance between Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. *sigh* The 3 Jonases, however, made this song stupid and shallow by making if about a freshman kid's crush on a senior. Ugh. Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas, in an effort to make their song more kid friendly (aka pussyfication), diminished the artistic value of this masterful song.

The Jonas Brothers also caused heads to turn and eyes to widen with their crazy rendition of "Year 3000." Yes, it is true that the two songs aren't very different BUT they altered two key components of the song's amazingness. 1) They eliminated the mentioning of triple-breasted naked ladies and 2)They changed "and your great-great-great granddaughter is pretty fine" to "and your great-great-great granddaughter is doing fine"...WTF! See, the Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made a big mistake by altering this song. We all know that the Jonases main fanbase consists of delusional tween girls. The Jonases could be making even more money if they had kept these lyrics and appealed to horny teen boys. Some people just don't use their brains.
For these reasons, I find the defendants GUILTY!

Sentence: I sentence the Jonas Brothers to go on a 3 year tour with Miley Cyrus where they will only be allowed to play "Mandy." Also, Kevin must entertain us with his guitar spinning the whole song. Pure torture.

Well, I can't really think of any more. If you have some pop culture injustice that you want dealt with, just bring it to Judge Cuteness' court.

Also, check out these music videos and see what YOU think:
Sugababes: "About You Now"
Miranda Cosgrove: "About You Now"
Busted: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"
JoBros: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"

Court is adjourned.


Random aside: I lurve the Jonas Brothers because, as far as they're concerned, they're the hottest shit to have ever walked the planet earth. I just stumbled upon this video looking for their other music videos: JoBros - Superstition (Cover)
Now, why are those little girls lying to Nick Jonas? They have no clue who Stevie Wonder is.
One good thing about this little show, or whatever it is, is that the stage was anointed with the holy sweat of all those Blessed Virgins gracing the stage.
Oh, and I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I first skipped ahead to find Nick yelling in my ears and then skipped one more time to hear Joe's grating voice. Why can't I hear the angelic voice of Kevin?? I know - his vocal powers are much too extreme.
The world isn't ready yet.


(Kevin Jonas ftw!)
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Let Our Chastity Combine...GO PURITY!

I'm am thoroughly disappointed in the number of pure teen stars that insist upon spoiling the good name of young Hollywood. I don't know whether or not you've noticed but, there has been a strange onslaught of "pure" Hollywood kids, all donning purity rings. This is new to me because when I was growing up (which I am nowhere near done doing, mind you) there were no "pure" young stars. Well, except for Jessica Simpson - but was she really a star? Yeah… Anyways, when a young star ever talked about his or her sex life, it was only to insist that he or she was a virgin. And then that was it. Or at least that's the way I remember it. Like I said before, Jessica Simpson is the only person I ever remember hearing about that wore a ring promising her father to stay pure until she was married.

Now, there's nothing wrong with making that promise. Good for you. What interests me is the new fight against what we know as Hollywood. Ah, Hollywood...the disgusting cesspool of all the lowest, dirtiest, people in America. The place where all bad morals come into being and are then spread to the masses through the "liberal media elite" (You betcha!). The go-to spot for a new partner every couple of weeks complete with a high chance of an STD infection. (Oh, that Paris!) But now these kids have come in and told everyone(!) how they plan on saving themselves for marriage. Now I bet you're saying, "This chick's crazy! It's only the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus flashing their purity rings." Well, as usual, you're WRONG. There's Demi Lovato...Selena Gomez…uh, Jordin Sparks…ok. You weren't wrong. There's only a few that I can name. But it's still interesting!

On reason it's interesting is because, in case you haven't noticed, the Jonas Brothers are actual boys and they are the only boys on my list. America is in love with double-standards and one of our favorites is that men should sleep with as many women as possible while women should save her cherry for one lucky guy. So, the fact that the Jonas Brothers are all over the place insisting that they'll never touch genitals with a woman until they've both said "I Do" is very interesting. Most other boy celebrities their age would be subtly hinting at their numerous sexual exploits. But not these kids. They're all, "I'm saving myself for Jesus!"

The pure girls, however, aren't that interesting…which is why they are interesting. Your brain is aching -so let me explain. It's really only women who are expected to insist upon their virginity. Britney Spears did. Jessica Simpson did. Christina Aguilera (kinda) did. But no one was bugging Justin Timberlake about whether or not he'd swiped his v-card. No one was like, "Please, Backstreet Boys, tell me you're all virgins!" No. No one looses respect for a guy that is not a virgin but if you're a girl who's been doing the deed, then you'll get the branding: SLUT!/WHORE!/HO! It is not really abnormal for Miley to tell everyone that she's a virgin and tell everyone how long she insists about carry that title (Blessed Virgin Miley)because that's what we want to hear.

I think it's funny, and kind of sad, that these girls (yes, the Jonas Brothers included) have to flash their purity rings in order to maintain the respect of their fans and their fans' parents. It's no secret that young girls everywhere flocked to the IMDb boards to call Jamie Lynn Spears a SLUT! when they found out she was pregnant. It's also no secret that it's gonna be impossible for her to reappear on Nickelodeon and have the same career (assuming she still has a career) that she did before.

The pure Hollywood youngsters are alright. Their presence doesn't bother me. But it does highlight that ever present (and disgustingly hypocritical) double-standard that Americans have about sex. It also makes us ask, "Why do we care?" Should the fact that Selena Gomez is a virgin make me like her more than Jamie Lynn Spears who is so obviously NOT a virgin? Does not being a virgin depreciate one's human worth? If I'm a no talent loser can I still get a record deal if I show you my purity ring? And if I'm a not-so-talented guy who's had his share of ladies, will I be chosen over the talented girl who's had her share of guys?

I don't know - it's just something to think about.

P.S. - Happy Belated 16th Birfday Miley Cyrus! Look out for Miley on the road kiddos! (Really, look out. I don't trust this girl behind the wheel of a car. Still my idol!) Keep reading...