Oh, Coco...

...how they screw you so. Mmm...

Ya know, I am so emotionally invested in this Conan vs. Jay vs. NBC drama that it's kind of embarrassing. Like, I've been getting really worked up when the issue comes up and was so desperate to find out what was coming next. Well, it seems like Part 1 of the drama is now over. Before I comment, allow me to recap:

Five or so years ago Jay Leno announces he's gonna leave the Tonight Show and that Conan O'Brien is his appointed heir. Some suggest Jay's hand was forced, others suggest it is of his own accord. Who knows. (Or cares.) (Wait - I do!) So, Jay's retirement date is fast approaching but he's getting antsy. He doesn't really want to retire...he was just joking! But it's kinda late now.

So, the way I understand it (which could very well be wrong; I can't be bothered with "research") Jay seems to be hinting that he's not really retiring and will just move on elsewhere to do more late night stuffs. Now, NBC's wallets get nervous. Jay's been bringing in the big numbers (i.e. beating Dave Letterman) and they don't want him to Jaywalk ;) to some other network. So NBC, and their wallets, invite Jay to his own prime time spot at 10. Then, Jay says bye and Conan and Jimmy move into their respective late night spots. Not too long after, Jay moves back in to the neighborhood.

But there are issues: (ONE) Jay's numbers suck and he's making it hard for his neighbors, NBC's local news affiliates. I mean geez, you really gotta know you're bad off when you're scaring people away from watching the news. (TWO) Conan's not bringing in the amount of viewers that Jay was and *gasp* Letterman's beating him some (most?) nights. (THREE) Minor issue but, Jay pushed Law and Order: SVU out of it's regular spot and it's only part of their decline in viewers. So, to shorten the rest of this story: Jay's primetime experiment is canceled; he's offered Conana's 11:30 late night spot for a half hour show; NBC says, "Move down a couple houses, Conan;" Conan says, "Pssh, yeah right" and then we get to where we are now, asking "BUT WHAT ABOUT JIMMY???"

JK.

What we're all asking is, "Who the hell is in charge at NBC and how the hell did he get there??" (It's Jeff Zucker, btw, and I don't know how he got there. Go look it up!) The issues that have gotten me most about this whole thing are how there seems to a blatant disregard for promises and contracts and some sort of strange (and possibly misguided) attachment to Jay Leno.

I'm not even gonna get into the debate of who's funnier; I haven't watched either of them long enough to make a proper assessment and I'll laugh at pretty much anything so...yeah. Anyway, what I've taken offense to is NBC's royal screw over of Conan. They just seemed to have it in for him and don't seem to have any confidence in the guy. Yes, it's true that Conan wasn't bringing in the numbers that Jay was when he stepped down but, how could he? Word on the block is that Jay wasn't so hot his first couple years in late night. Not to mention, Conan himself struggled to gain an audience when he first took over Late Night and they didn't chuck him to the wolves then. Think about this Jeff Zuck & Co: Conan moved to an earlier spot losing some of that audience AND he lost some of Jay's devoted audience. I'd think he need more than 8 months to reestablish himself. NBC should get their historians on the books so they remember how this whole thing usually plays out.

Also, I thought a promise was a promise. Not just a promise, a legal contract at that. The Tonight Show shouldn't have been promised to Conan if Jay wasn't ready to retire. Though I expect this becomes a more complicated issue if it so happens that Jay was bullied into retirement. However, if that was the case, I'd imagine Jay would want to take his shtick elsewhere instead of sticking around with a network that was pushing him out of the door. Conan has made it apparent that hosting the Tonight Show was not only a dream of his but also an honor. The fact that it was promised to him and then so hastily snatched away doesn't quite sit right with me.

Another thing (no, this post will never end) is that, it seems to me, that NBC is just wasting a lot of money. Is it really cheaper to buy Conan out of his contract (and risk having to pay the difference for a possibly smaller future pay check) then to risk Jay Leno getting higher ratings on another channel? This is a genuine question though because me and my cynical mind have a feeling this is mostly about money. I mean, these are executives - American executives. I doubt that their main motivation isn't collecting large amounts of sweet, sweet moolah.

Lastly, what's NBC's obsession with Jay Leno? Does Jay have some incriminating photos of the execs? Do they owe him something? Is Jay Leno the epitome of late night hosts and they're really afraid of losing his neverending talent to some other network? I want to know what's so friggin' special about Jay Leno. Please, someone enlighten me.

I could go on and on. Well, just about how Jay Leno keeps trying so hard to play the victimized good-guy but, I'll leave it here for now; I think you get the point. I don't really feel bad for Conan; he's walking away with 30some million dollars so, I think he'll be alright. But I do feel for him. It sucks when you don't even get a year to prove you can do your job. I also admire how he's carried himself through this whole thing: his admirable letter, his concern for poor ol' Jimmy, his concern for his crew's well-being and his general love & respect for the Tonight Show. It'll be interesting to see how everything turns out and where everyone ends up in a year.

*shrug* We'll see.

ciao.

P.S. - Oh yeah, BUT WHAT ABOUT CARSON????? Keep reading...

Video Vomit: "We Didn't Need to See That" Edition

The Juicebox gives you an early holiday present. Enjoy!

Ok. Let's talk about this before it gets too old. Today's vomit comes courtesy of Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. "Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga" was never a collaboration I could ever in my wildest dreams imagine. So, naturally my head almost exploded the first time I saw this video. Lucky I'm not epileptic because I almost had a seizure too.

I went through a range of emotions when I first saw this video:

Before I even clicked on the link I was nervous. What kind of trauma was I about to endure? The song is called "Video Phone;" you can't write a song about a video phone. Well, Beyoncé, being mistress of her domain (whatever that means) proved me wrong. You can write a song about video phones, kiddies. Not a good song, but a song nonetheless. (I guess Nelly's ode to his Air Force Ones shoulda clued me in)

Next I felt confused. "What's Rihanna doing in this video?" I thought. It took me a couple seconds but I soon realized that it was Beyoncé. After my brain settled I began to feel concern. It appeared that someone had attacked Beyoncé and taken most of her clothing. I wondered why those men, who appear to be bodyguards, did nothing to prevent Beyoncé from being violated in such a manner. However, I soon realized that B was probably just on her way to the pool for a swim in her sparkly bathing suit, trench coat and leather boots. Those men are probably just on sunscreen duty.

As the video progressed I began to feel anger. What was Beyoncé doing with my favorite Star trooper bra and panties?! I want them back.

Then I was amazed! Beyoncé's backside appears to have some kind of...mystical power! It entrances men; especially those with cameras for heads.

Most of the video passed without incident up until another wave of confuzzlement washed over me. What the hell?! Why is Bette Midler in this music video? And how'd she get so young?! It wasn't until "Bette Midler" began spazzing out...I mean, dancing (?) that I realized it was Lady Gaga. And then I was just amused by how little she was compared to Queen B. (Wittle Gaga!!)

After the chair dance, I spent the rest of the video being angry that I was still watching the video.

...

As I've said before, I do think Beyoncé is talented and I tend to think Gaga is too. But they're too much for me! Do you see the kind of pain they put me through? The whole video was grossly unnecessary. I'm glad that Beyoncé got to channel her inner Rihanna (hair), Gaga (lots of pantslessness), Winehouse (eye makeup), and Miley (butt popping). And it warms my heart (not really) to hear her make sex noises in my ear. But none of this is new. Actually, seeing Lady Gaga almost rip her own head off was kinda interesting. Eh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason I would watch this video again is if I wanted to induce a seizure to get out of finals. Hmm...that's not a bad idea...

ciao :]

Keep reading...

Real Talk: MTV Video Music Awards 2009

Ok, so I'm a wimp. I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I'm sorry! But I can only take so much. Anywho, Keep Reading...to share my pain.

Madge. Real Talk: I didn't think old people had time for the VMAs. *shrug* But her words were heartfelt and sweet. It was a very nice start to the show. Too bad it just went downhill from there. But, she's quite awesome in her own right so it was cool to hear her talk. (Also, can we lay off the Botox? I don't know why people equate old with ugly. Madge was hot stuff back in the day. If she'd aged naturally she would look really good.)

MJ Tribute/Janet. Real Talk: Not bad. I'm starting to tire of the MJ tributing now. (Thank GOD that Jermaine's little shindig has been postponed). However, this was quite nice. I always forget about Janet - I was never really into Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty) - but she did her thing. Her big bro would be proud.

KANYE "KRAZY" WEST. Real Talk: Dude had Facebook BUZZIN'. He's outta control. How dare he diss Taylor Swift like that?! Take it back Kanye, take it back! Seriously though: Was that a "HAHA" throwback to that little stunt he threw at the Grammy's (??) a couple years ago? Cuz if he was joking it wasn't funny. If he wasn't joking then, in the words of my brother, he's a dickhead.

Russell Brand. Real Talk: He sucks. Revoke his Visa. The dude is not funny. Not only that, but he reminds me of clown. An evil clown. An evil English clown. I know you said the JoBros forgave you for the purity rings jokes but, will they forgive you for being such a bad host?? (Hint: King Kevin is NOT amused)

Fashion. Real Talk: Weird. It was mostly Lady Gaga's adventures that tipped the scales toward WTF. Taylor Swift helped out with her sparkly window curtains. (Though she gets a Get Out of Jail Free card since she was terrorized by Krazy West) Miranda Cosgrove's disco ball dress also added to the fun. Ms. Beyoncè was really testing the cleavage boundaries, no? I wonder if her mom still helps her get dressed. And if she does, I'd like to know where she's getting the industrial strength booby tape that keeps those tatas down. Really though, I'm thoroughly amazed that she wasn't falling out of that "Single Ladies" outfit. Speaking of the devil...

Beyoncè. Real Talk: Oh B. I don't hate her. I think she's very talented; good dancer and singer. But, dunno, she just rubs me the wrong way. I remember when I first heard about the epic "Single Ladies" video I had to check it out. And when I did I was both scared and amazed. When I saw it again tonight, all those confusing feelings came rushing back. How is it possible that she's still in one piece? Those dance moves just make me think that one of her legs are gonna pop out of their socket. But, she's still in one piece, so I commend her. BUT...where was Shane???



Lady Gaga. Real Talk: Holy Mary Mercy Me (Copyright: MJ). This chick is out of her mind. She and Kanye make me wanna drink a steaming hot bowl of sanity. I still can't decide if Lady Gaga is just too artsy and cool for lame old me or if she's just trying too hard. I guess I'll have to get back to you on that.

VMAs 2009. Real talk: *sigh* I'm getting too old for this. I'm just gonna assume that the rest of it sucked as much as the beginning. The host was annoying, the performances were strange and Lady Gaga will give me nightmares tonight. But I'll say something nice: I was impressed by all the people singing live and not sounding like crap (Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Beyoncè, Lady Gaga, Janet). That was kinda nice. Otherwise, I think it'll have to be another 10 or so years before I can bring myself to watch this thing again.

ciao.

P.S. Oh! Also, Twilight "Saga" trailer was a treat. Looks LOL worthy so I'm excited for November. Also nice to see my girl-crush KStew. Yes, I'm smitten. ;)

P.P.S. MTV: Censoring - You're doing it wrong.

Update: Yeah...Kanye's a dickhead.

Keep reading...