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Case Background:
Since the beginning of time, there have been parents and there have been stupid people. Most of the time, when these two worlds collide, (i.e. stupid people + offspring) we get Bad Parents.There are many different ways to define a Bad Parent, but for our purposes, a bad parent is any parent who clearly cares more about everything else (ex. money, fame, drugs, whores) more than the well-being of their children. The Worst Kind of Parent will neglect their children to the point of the offspring's near-demise and still think that the kid is A-OK! (Let's keep up with the math here: stupid people + delusions of the brain + offspring = Worst Kind of Parent) Most of the time these parents are called out for their bad behavior, but are rarely brought before the court of law. The American legal system is slacking and, because I'm such a good citizen, I'm picking up the slack. On the docket today are Michael Lohan and Joe Jackson. This should be fun!
Court is in session.
Case #1
Plaintiffs: Dina "Famewhore" and Lindsay "Leggings" Lohan
Defendant: Michael Lohan
Complaint: Fails majorly at being a dad by constantly airing Lindsay's druggie laundry for the world to smell.
Evidence: If you're a gossip blog frequenter like yours truly, you probably know by now that Michael Lohan keeps releasing private tapes revealing his daughter's personal problems. Some of them are phone calls between him and his ex-wife and some are messages I assume Lindsay left on his phone. I haven't listened to any of these tapes because I'm not really into reveling in the misery of others. (I'm only just a little into it)
Mr. Lohan claims to be releasing these tapes to the public to get Lindsay help for hr alleged drug problems. This is where Mr. Lohan receives a big fat F on his Parent Report Card. The last time I checked, these sort of PRIVATE matters are meant to be dealt with in PRIVACY between the members involved in a PRIVATE manner. Mr. Lohan is doing nothing but bringing upon himself the wrath (via incoherent Twitter rants) of his daughter and his ex-wife (via ET & TMZ, etc./ aka, her best friends)
Mr. Lohan displays his sucky parenting skills by making it quite clear that he doesn't really care if Lindsay gets better but is more concerned with keeping his irrelevant name in the news, especially now that him and Jon Gosselin are no longer torturing the world with their "friendship."
While it's entirely true that Lindsay is doing nothing to get better and is not really hiding her private woes very well (once again, via incoherent Twitter rants), her famewhore of a father has no right to tell everyone just how bad his daughter is. If he wants her to get help then maybe he can do this very innovative thing where you sit a person down, face-to-face, and you - wait for it - TALK TO THEM! Crazy, I know.
Verdict: Due to all the evidence put before me, I have no choice but to find the defendant GUILTY!
Sentence: I sentence Mr. Lohan to share a room with Heidi and Spencer in hell. He'll also have to massage the Devil's foot bunions for 12 hours a day while listening to his daughter's song, "Daughter to Father" on repeat.
Case #2
Plaintiffs: Blanket and his Minions (Oh, you know Blanket's got 'em in check)
Defendant: Joe "My son is worth more dead than alive" Jackson
Complaint: Continues to prove that it is possible to love money, being creepy and scaring children more than your own offspring.
Evidence: Holy Mary Mercy Me! Where to start? No need to go back any further then the recent death of his son, Michael Joesph Jackson. (Anyone else find that so ironic? I can't get over how ironic that is.) When Michael Jackson passed on, Mr. J. Jackson, went trapezing onto the red carpet at the BET awards and started rambling about his record label. Mind you, this was merely days after the death of one of his children; which is often cited as being one of the biggest emotional upheavals a parent can experience. We gave him the benefit of the doubt though. "People grieve in different ways," we replied. "Maybe he's still in shock," we said. "Maybe he's getting senile," we shrugged.
However, it has come to my attention that Joe Jackson is neither senile, shocked nor even grieving. Nope. Dude is just shameless. I almost admire it. Mr. Jackson just has no shame. He doesn't even try to fake like he's not happy he's getting some extra money from all this. If I were in his place, I'd at least try to squeeze out a tear or two for sympathy but no, not Joe Jackson, no siree.
It became increasingly clear that Mr. Jackson loves da sweet mula when he recently tried to get his grubby hands on his dead son's estate, even after MJ wrote HELL NO on his will where it said, "Money for your dad?". (In case you didn't know, that's how a will is formated. It's just a series of questions about who gets your money, your kids and your favorite PJs.) When asked about his grandfather's attempt to get his share of the estate, Blanket replied that he "Ain't having none of that shiznit." You go boy - take names and kick ass. I'm behind you all the way. I can't not get behind a kid who's hair is almost longer than he is tall.*
Verdict: ANYWHO (luscious hair is distracting), Joe Jackson is a sucky parent because, like his friend Mr. Lohan, he's really bad at pretending he likes his kids more than money and fame. Therefore, I find this dude GUILTY!
Sentence: Mr. Jackson will be responsible for the upkeep of his grandson, Blanket's luscious locs until he comes of age. When he's not brushing and conditioning hair, Mr. Jackson will get the Sisyphus treatment. Except, instead of a boulder, it will be a big ball of money. Then, when it gets to the bottom of the hill, it will break and all the money will be snatched up by poor, but very strong, orphans. Then, Mr. Jackson will have to wrestle each and every dollar from each and every poor (but very strong!), orphan and reassemble the dollars back into their ball form. He will then roll the ball back up the hill and that will go on forever and ever with "Speed Demon" on loop. Elaborate, I know.
Well, that'll show those two to mess with Judge K.I.A.
ciao, bellas.
*Because you care so much, I'm sure you will be happy to know that one of my fellow judge-people repeated MJ's HELL NO. Then he told Mr. Jackson to go home and read a book or something. I'd also throw some French toast eating in there because French toast cures ALL. TRUTH.
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No better way to start off the New Year than with a brand new feature...Woo hoo! Welcome to Pop Culture Justice where I, the Honorable Judge Cuteness, dish out pop culture justice that has long been overdue. Please, sit back, and ENJOY.
Disclaimer: Because I know nothing about law proceedings, this feature will in no way, shape or form resemble a court case. If you want something that slightly resembles a court case, I'd suggest Law and Order: SVU. Only SVU, mind you. The other ones kinda suck now.
CASE BACKGROUND:
Disney and Nick have proved to me that these days zero talent is needed to become a successful pop star. Not that certain artists haven't already showed me this fact but these two have just helped to drive the point home. In the Disney/Nick star-making process, a necessary step is the SONG. Besides incessant TV spots, unnecessary products and magazine covers, these aspiring teen pop stars need actual SONGS to sing. (Believe it or not, these SONGS happen to be the core of a music career) Now, network execs are usually working on a pretty sizable crop of potential pop stars, so they can't bother to go through the annoying business of writing original songs for these kids to sing. Pssh. What do you think this is? These execs need to come up with fast, easy SONGS for the kiddies to "sing." So what do they do? The trend seems to be: 1) borrow from obscure British pop bands/singers, 2) olden timey people the younguns have never heard of or 3) failure singers who weren't Disney or Nick enough to have anyone notice they were attempting to make music. #1 seems to be the most popular.
So, you're like, Ok - nothing really wrong with a little borrowing. And I agree. Art is def about using the world around you to create your own art. Sometimes this involves inspiration by other people's art. But I being to disagree with borrowing when all you do is ruin songs with your "singing" and make my precious ears bleed.
This is an injustice. Not only to my ears but also to the people that put so much time into making these songs. Yes, some of them sucked the first time around but that just gives more reason as to why they should have been left alone. For too long, diva Nick and Disney "singers" have been ruining the lives of these original artists and the general public.
But justice will be served.
CASE #1
Plaintiff: Sugababes (British girl group I've never heard of)
Defendant: Miranda Cosgrove (seen in Drake and Josh and iCarly)
Complaint: Ms. Cosgrove covered their hit single (so I read on Wikipedia) "About You Now" while doing nothing to help the common belief that white people can't dance
Verdict: The defendant, Ms. Cosgrove made many errors in her execution of the song "About You Now." First of all, she can't sing...not very well at least. The next major mistake was the way the music video was executed. Although not entirely Ms. Cosgrove's doing, she did agree to partake in the abomination and should therefore be treated like the criminal she is.
Here are music video highlights that make the Sugababes winners: tight clothing, London backdrop, ample cleavage, hot lead dude, dissing of handicapped people, bridges, sultry wall humping and jumping over things. Especially impressive was the jumping over things whilst dissing handicapped people.
Here are mistakes that Ms. Cosgrove and her team made: not hot enough lead dude, weird floppy hat, bad dancing, NO CLEAVAGE, lame-ass Mall of America backdrop and solo photo booth cheesing (LAME!). Although Ms. Cosgrove made small efforts by wearing shiny shoes and including a fun escalator ride, this does not excuse the fact that she ruined the pop masterpiece "About You Now."
Therefore, I find her GUILTY!
Sentence: Ms. Cosgrove will be required to be trapped in her show-within-a-show (the grossly unfunny webshow iCarly) for 3 whole seasons. Hopefully there she will learn how to sing and how to hump a wall in a sultry fashion.
CASE #2
Plaintiff: Busted (another Brit group that has recently joined my knowledge pool)
Defendant: The Jonas Brothers (seen...well, freakin' everywhere!)
Complaint: The pussyfication of such songs as "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000"
Verdict: It's kinda ok to be lame but starting out lame is not a good idea for a "music career." Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made this grave mistake when they covered the songs "What I Go To School For" and "Year 3000" by British sensation, Busted. The original "What I Go To School For" featured the touching story of a student's love for his hot teacher. In the end of the story, both the teacher and student express their love for each other and ride off into the sunset. A happy ending - not unlike the fairytale romance between Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. *sigh* The 3 Jonases, however, made this song stupid and shallow by making if about a freshman kid's crush on a senior. Ugh. Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas, in an effort to make their song more kid friendly (aka pussyfication), diminished the artistic value of this masterful song.
The Jonas Brothers also caused heads to turn and eyes to widen with their crazy rendition of "Year 3000." Yes, it is true that the two songs aren't very different BUT they altered two key components of the song's amazingness. 1) They eliminated the mentioning of triple-breasted naked ladies and 2)They changed "and your great-great-great granddaughter is pretty fine" to "and your great-great-great granddaughter is doing fine"...WTF! See, the Misters Jonas, Jonas and Jonas made a big mistake by altering this song. We all know that the Jonases main fanbase consists of delusional tween girls. The Jonases could be making even more money if they had kept these lyrics and appealed to horny teen boys. Some people just don't use their brains.
For these reasons, I find the defendants GUILTY!
Sentence: I sentence the Jonas Brothers to go on a 3 year tour with Miley Cyrus where they will only be allowed to play "Mandy." Also, Kevin must entertain us with his guitar spinning the whole song. Pure torture.
Well, I can't really think of any more. If you have some pop culture injustice that you want dealt with, just bring it to Judge Cuteness' court.
Also, check out these music videos and see what YOU think:
Sugababes: "About You Now"
Miranda Cosgrove: "About You Now"
Busted: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"
JoBros: "Year 3000" and "What I Go To School For"
Court is adjourned.
Random aside: I lurve the Jonas Brothers because, as far as they're concerned, they're the hottest shit to have ever walked the planet earth. I just stumbled upon this video looking for their other music videos: JoBros - Superstition (Cover)
Now, why are those little girls lying to Nick Jonas? They have no clue who Stevie Wonder is.
One good thing about this little show, or whatever it is, is that the stage was anointed with the holy sweat of all those Blessed Virgins gracing the stage.
Oh, and I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I first skipped ahead to find Nick yelling in my ears and then skipped one more time to hear Joe's grating voice. Why can't I hear the angelic voice of Kevin?? I know - his vocal powers are much too extreme.
The world isn't ready yet.
(Kevin Jonas ftw!)
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