Video Vomit: WTF Edition

Major WTF-ness from the video world over the last couple of weeks. Let's get recent.

First off: Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards 2009

I didn't watch this grossfest but I did hear that my idol would be performing so I had to go to YouTube and check that mess out. I was pleased to see that it wasn't a mess but actually a masterful showcase by a true performer. It has all the makings of a great performance: Acknowledgment of trailer park past? Check! Painted on booty shorts? Check! Sparkly shirt that reveals bra? Check! Stripper pole on top of an ice cream cart? Check! Song/singing that makes my ears hurt but is oddly catchy? Check and check! I don't know what they're waiting for - just give Miley the artist of the millennium award already! She's proved she deserves it.

On a more serious note - WTF?! Isn't Miley only 16 years old? That's a bit young to be whoring it up in such a major way. I know that thing wasn't necessarily a stripper pole but she sure did seem to know her way around one. Miley didn't know it but when she was presenting Britney Spears with her Lifetime Achievement Award (HA!) she was looking at a potential future her. I don't know whether to be entertained by this idea or alarmed. The evil being inside me is looking forward to being entertained. Weee!

Here's the Blessed Virgin Miley keeping it classy at the 2009 TCA:



Secondly: "Best I Ever Had" music video

This video is chock-full of WTF. But even more than that, it's chock-full of major boobage. Take a gander:



Wondering why this video is so friggin'...weird? Three words: Kanye West directed. If that isn't enough of an explanation for you than I don't really know what to tell you. Now I know Aubrey Graham isn't living under a rock so he has to know, like the rest of us, that Kanye West is made of crazy. So why he even let him within 10 miles of this video is beyond me. But, I'm sure he has his reasoning. I actually like this song (How brilliant are these lyrics?: "She call me the referee cause I be so official. My shirt aint got no stripes, but I can make ya pussy whiiiiiiiistle...like The Andy Griffith theme song..") And I don't care enough to be offended by the gross amount of cleavage. So I'll cut him some slack because it's his first mainstream video and because he's from Canada. Just stay away from Kanye next time, Drake, good buddy.

You know, sometimes I get sad and think "Gee, excellent music and awesome, quality music videos died with Michael Jackson." But then I hear Miley's beautiful smoker's warble or get an eyeful of Double-D cleavage and I breathe a sigh of relief: "Music is gonna be alright."

...ciao!

P.S. - Do you feel letdown or happy on a Thursday the 13th? I feel a little letdown - who knows what interesting things could've happened had it been a Friday??
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Why I Love...

...iCarly!


Is this really a surprise? Well, to me it is. iCarly is a very recently required love. I've mostly dismissed a lot of Nick and Disney's new shows. For example, I thought Wizards of Waverly Place was a waste of time but, within the last week I've developed a bit of a crush. But, that's for another post.

Anywho, why do I love iCarly? Well, for one I've got mad love for the cast. It's rare to have child actors with actual talent. I like Miranda Cosgrove. I can forgive her attempts to sing because I think she's a fairly talented actress. Unfortunately for her though, Jennette McCurdy (who's last name reminds me of cheese = instant love) outshines her as Sam, a lovable brute who enjoys meat and manhandling Freddie's balls. i.e. My kinda girl. Plus, for some reason I really digg her long blond curls. They're cute!

However, as much as I love those two, the greater percentage of my love belongs to Nathan Kress and Jerry Trainor; Fredward "Freddie" Benson and Carly's immature older brother, Spencer. I love Nate Kress because he's got adroable Asian eyes. (Please send hate mail to: luvzdasazns@gmail.com) I have yet to find any proof that Mr. Kress has Oriental heritage so it just makes it more adorable. And I really just wanna pinch his (face) cheeks. (He's post-pubesant so hang-up that phone!) As for Mr. Trainor, it's hard to explain my love for him. Is it the obnoxiousness? Is it the cuteness that resembles a rabbit? I don't know. I just love him.

Besides the cast, I really do like the storylines. They're unique and weird and a bit juvenile but they're on my level, ya know? Why do you think I stopped watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent? Too complicated, that's why! It needs to be more like iCarly with stories about arcade game addictions and dating bad boys who like plushie toys. Also, I think all tv shows need more shirtless Gibby.

Well, that's my love this July. I dare you to watch and love it as much as I do.

ciao!

P.S. - This was a tough one guys. iCarly v. The Golden Girls. Hmm...maybe next month...

Picture = Not mine

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Dear Loving Celebrity

Dear Miley Cyrus,

You aren't 18. Put your cleavage away.

Thank you and regards,

The Juicebox

Photo Source: Elle.com

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BEEF STEW (yum)

I've got enough beef to make a stew so, let's go:

Flo Rida: Usually I don't care what Flo Rida is up to but, since it's summer and I'm forced to listen to the radio (which apparently only has about 10 songs on it's daily rotation) I've been hearing a lot from him lately. And, to be quite frank, I don't like it. Dude's been sampling songs in a bad kinda way. Don't get me wrong...some people can do pretty fantastic things with a small sample of somebody's song. However, our good friend Flo Rida's recent singles do no such thing. His first single "Right Round" off of his second album, R.O.O.T.S., is centered around the classic Dead or Alive song "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)." And to be Frank once again (my alternate identity), he raped it...in the butt. That poor song never had a chance. After Flo Rida got away with this terrible crime, he moved on to molest a cherished childhood favorite: Eiffel 65's "Blue (Da Ba Dee)." This one hit me in the gut. How dare he even dare to touch the "Blue"? Who does he think he is? It cannot be forgiven. I once idolized the man who brought us "Low"; I even aspired to own Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur so that I could be the shawty for him, but after he brutalized these two songs I can no longer give him that part of myself. I say, if you can't sample a song right, don't sample it at all.

Disney: I've always got issues with Disney. But my new beef with Disney is their annoying tendency to give every one of their "stars" a record contract - regardless of the whether or not they actually have any talent. The newest addition to Disney's list of acting/singing/dancing robot teens is Mitchell Musso. Good ol' Oliver Oaken. I haven't really heard any of his stuff. One of his music videos came on Disney channel a while ago and I was much too distracted by the odd piercing of his ears to register what his voice or the song sounded like. Either way, I'm sure it wasn't that great. I don't know why Disney (and Nick to some extent) insist on creating these triple-threat stars. You can't create talent, guys; nothing comes from nothing. In all seriousness, Disney needs to chill out with the SUPER KIDS! they're trying to create. It's because of them that I've been tortured with Baby V, Ashley Tisdale, Corbin Bleu (hot though) and Hilary Duff (gag). If the Sprouse twins are given a record deal then I guarantee I will be knocking at Disney's doors. I will have a machete in hand. Be forewarned.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt: I had the grand misfortune of seeing these real-life Two A-Holes on The View last week Monday. Supposedly these two have been in and out of the reality train wreck I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! The jungle couldn't handle the douche water spilling from their pores so it took the liberty of ejecting them every time they tried to return. If only the talk show circuit would take a page form the jungle's book and do the same. I was perfectly happy when I had no idea who Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were. But my world has been rocked (in the worst way possible) by all the attention these two hags are getting. Although I've only seen them in action a couple of times, I've been able to surmise that these two are self-absorbed, self-righteous, overly-defensive morons who have done nothing at all to deserve all the attention they're getting (and loving). I wish the jungle would've gotten over itself and just swallowed them whole, but, hey, even the best of us can't suppress that gag reflex.

Well, that's all the beefing I can take for today. I'm gonna go make a grilled cheese sandwich.

ciao

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Real Talk: The MTV Movie Awards

Well, I better talk about this waste of an hour and a half before it becomes old news. Sigh. lol. 

Andy Samberg. Real Talk: He was an alright host. I can't say that I've ever tortured myself with the MTV Movie Awards before so I can't compare him to other hosts. He wasn't really there that much so there isn't really much to say about him. He was as adorable and charming as usual so I didn't mind him at all. Also, his rap at the beginning was pretty awesome. Gotta love the guy. 

Hair. Real Talk: The most interesting part of the show. I know you're supposed to pay attention to people's outfits when they come to these things but, eh, who really cares? I was more into the tresses. Ok, so first off was Ashley Tisdale's new brown hair. I thought it looked yucky - sorta like poop. The sad part? That's her natural hair color. Hmmm...Then there was ZEfron's hair. Ugh. Someone give that kid a haircut and please, wash it while you're at it. I don't know why he thinks it looks good to look like you've dunked your head in chicken fat. It's not attractive.  Lastly was Zachary Quinto's hair. If I were a white guy, I would do my hair like Zac Q. It was adorable and only added to his overall hotness. It makes me sad that Heroes sucks so bad that I won't even watch it to catch a glimpse of Zac Q's attractiveness. 

RPattz & KStew. Real Talk: I am now officially in love with these two. Yes, I know I've already expressed my love for RPattz, but I now need to add KStew to that list. I loved how exasperated RPattz seemed to be by the numerous awards that he was winning. Each time he got up to accept an award he either had an "Oh great," "Here we go again" or, "Good God!" look on his face. KStew also shared this sentiment. But I didn't just love KStew for her shared disgust at the awards.  I loved that she had to take a couple puffs of the good stuff for to be able to sit through the snooze fest. Ha. Keep smoking that green KStew! It makes you much more interesting. 

Megan Fox. Real Talk: Blech. Was it just me or was she giving major bitchface? Only RPattz and KStew are allowed to give bitchface at the MTV Movie Awards. Ms. Fox doesn't run the risk of being attacked by Twihards so she can just take her mean mug face elsewhere. Like, to hell. 

Eminem. Real Talk: By now we all know that the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged but that doesn't stop it from being HIlarious. As for his performance, I've never really been a fan so I can't comment too much on his music except to say, geez, he's really behind on the times. All his pop culture references are old as hell. Get with the times, my friend. And what's up with his super skinniness? It makes his ears look really big. (I wish I had a good Dumbo joke to stick in here...)

Blessed Virgin Miley. Real Talk: This chick is letting me down! Did you see her dancing to that un-Godly Eminem music? She is NOT doing a good job maintaining her Blessed Virgin status. Occasional shout-outs to God won't save your doomed soul Miley! You better watch yourself. 

D.Rad. Real Talk: He's awesome. 'Nuff said.

Overall evaluation?  Real Talk: It sucked. It was too long and too boring. That being said, I wasn't too disappointed because I didn't expect much. It was cool seeing the fake and real New Moon trailers (I'm looking forward to choking on more egg rolls come this November.) And the medley of Lonely Island songs was very entertaining. However, those two events weren't enought to save it. All in all, it was a waste of time. Why they're still making these things, I don't know. But, if I get to see a stoned KStew drop another golden popcorn, I think I might sit through another one. Might. 

P.S. - Did you know that Selena Gomez was dating Taylor Lautner (aka Jacob from Twilight)? Supposedly they broke up. Ugh. Why, again, do I care about these things?

2009 MTV Movie Award logo property of MTV/Viacom

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Too Awesome for Words

Ian Pool is the man. But it needs more King Kevin. Keep reading...

I swear I still LURV U!

Hey der. So i've been gone. And I've changed my name. Sorry. It's because I have a respectable career as a junior scientist (no joke, that's what they called us. I guess it's true but still sounds funny) at Harvard Forest. Hence the name change. Actually the name was my marketing genius pal's work, so I can't take the credit for it. Anyway, if you want to know what I'm up to this summer and like dirt and foresty things you can read this. If you want to know about my newest crochet adventure, well stay here but it'll be a while (working's hard!), and if you want more artistic stuff read this, and if you want more of the marketing pal read this. If you want bad poetry, check out Doug's blog. If you're still reading this THANKS FOR BEING OUR #1/ONLY READER!

Told you I still lurv u.

Lator.

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