Juicebox Rants

Why TeenNick Sucks

2011-01-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

Let's start with the fact that it's called "TeenNick."
Psshh.

Reason #1: Lack of original programming
When The-N* finally dumped her little sister "Noggin" and went 24 hours, I was quite proud of her. Now she could stretch her wings by commissioning even more guilty-pleasure, teen drama for us (me) to indulge in. But then, The-N did a very strange thing. Instead of bringing on more original programming, it initiated some kind of weird, ritualistic killing of the little original programming it had. South of Nowhere? Taken out back and shot. Beyond the Break? Died in a very suspicious knife fight. Instant Star? Drowned in a bathtub. The Best Years? Somehow landed itself in a coma. It was later revived only to be smothered to death by a fancy pillow. I'd like to point the finger at Degrassi; seeing as she's always the last one standing; it wouldn't surprise me that she was behind all this. But it's more likely some really stupid higher-ups. (I kinda like my Degrassi conspiracy theory though...)

For as long as I have watched The-N/TeenNick it has, admittedly, never had that much original programming. Some have come and gone in the blink of an eye (About a Girl and Whistler** come to mind). That's usually because they sucked. But the original programming they had that stuck around (the ones I listed above and another favorite Radio Free Roscoe) was actually pretty good. And when they weren't really that good, they still had enough charm and drama to uphold them. The-N really shot itself in the foot when they got rid of all those shows. It made no sense: Why get rid of all the original programming when you finally get to be a full-time channel? For reasons I will spell out below, it really makes the channel 1)unoriginal and 2)very monotone. Why would I tune into The-N/TeenNick when I can watch half their programs on Nick, and the other half on MTV, FX, ABC Family and the CW? Seriously, the only show I can watch on The-N that I can't find anywhere else is that shitty show, Gigantic, that I've never seen and am judging solely on the basis that it seems like a really shitty show.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that TeenNick sucks because they don't give anyone a reason to watch their channel EXCEPT for their golden child Degrassi: The Next Generation. Which brings me to...

Reason #2: Degrassi overload
Holy hell. When I go home I can't watch TeenNick because if they're not showing Degrassi then they're showing commercials about Degrassi. Every other month TeenNick has a "EVERY DEGRASSI EPISODE EVER!!!" marathon. TeenNick is so far up Degrassi's ass it hasn't seen the sun in years. I like Degrassi and I like liking Degrassi but, hot damn, watching TeenNick too much would make me hate Degrassi. A lot.

Man, TeenNick is like that one mother that has all those children but has a clear favorite. So she neglects all her other children in favor of her oh-so-precious child when what she really needs to do is LET GO.

Now, I'm not saying that TeenNick needs to cancel Degrassi. I mean, where else will I get my necessary fix of ridiculous? No, what it needs to do is calm down with the Degrassi. Its Degrassi marathons are so pathetic and it makes it really obvious that it's the only original programming they have to promote. (Besides the aforementioned shitty Gigantic which I suspect is on its way out.)

Reason #3: Nick overlap/ sucky Nick overlap
One of my biggest beefs with TeenNick is the fact that half of their programming can already be seen on Nickelodeon. I like iCarly but not enough to want to watch two episodes at once on two different channels.

But it's not just the overlap - they also pick most of Nick's worst shows. I mean, honestly, Nick only has, like, 2 good shows so they don't have a plethora of good stuff to choose from. But that's all the more reason for more original programming! No one wants to watch Zoey 101 or Victorious or Tru Jackson VP or Big Time Rush all day. Actually, I'd take Zoey 101 over those other 3; at least it's mildly amusing.

TeenNick, these crappy show are bringing you down! Why don't you stop copying Nick and become your own beautiful butterfly? Right now you're just Nick+Degrassi(-SpongeBob) and that's really no good.

Reason #4: stupid syndication options
Not only is TeenNick borrowing heavily from the crappy bin at the Nick store, it's also borrowing from the annoying bin at the Syndication store. Come on Nick, playing Fresh Prince of Bel Air, What I Like About You and That 70s Show doesn't make you a teen/young adult channel. It makes you Nick at Nite...during the day. Not to mention I can watch all those shows on ten other channels. (Actually...I already mentioned that.)

I want mindless drama, NOT billions o' sitcoms. You have all those Nick sitcoms already! How many GD sitcoms do you need?!? Degrassi is your only (decent) drama and that's nowhere near being enough. If you're so desperate to show old stuff, why not show old teen dramas? What about 90210? Or Melrose Place? Why not bring back My So Called Life, for god's sake? I know there's only one season's worth of episodes to show but, I believe in you TeenNick - you can draw it out and hype it up like no other channel I know.

You can even bring back the epic shit pile (and ultimate guilty pleasure) that is Summerland. Hell, I'd watch it everyday, just for you, TeenNick. (And to see young Zac E's lovely gap.) Just chill out with the 90s sitcoms, ok?
Geez.
---

You're not fooling anyone TeenNick. You being called TeenNick doesn't hide the fact that you're now targeted at the little tweentards. But look here TeenNick, this tween shit doesn't vibe with me, alright? Tweens are stupid and they like stupid things. Also they're annoying. So they definitely do not deserve to hog a whole channel to themselves. So stop being stupid TeenNick execs and STEP YOUR GAME UP.

Got it?

...No??? Well, I tried...

ciao .___.

*Yes, "The-N." That's what they used to call it waaaaaaaay back in 2009
**I never watched that show. I just know the commercials always had lots of snow in it. I had to look up the name.

Why I Love....

2010-12-31T23:07:00.000-05:00

...Beef Stew (2010 Wrap-up Edition)!
(whoa! Two features merge to become one!)

The year is coming to an end and I haven't had Beef Stew in quite a while. I need my protein so let's grub.

Ya know, 2010 has been a fairly decent year. But, as usual, more things annoyed me rather than giving me that warm, fuzzy, loving feeling. So while I'd love to end the year on a purely positive note, it's just more fun this way...wouldn't you agree? Here are couple people & things that I had major beef with this year...and loved it:
_______

Miley Cyrus
When Miley was first stretching her sexy bone back in 2009, it was pretty amusing. But 2010 came around and Miley decided short-shorts and push-up bras were not enough. All year we've been forced to look at her underage crotch and boobies while listening to her really crappy music. (Actually, thanks to those songs sucking that hard, we haven't had to hear them too much. For once the pop world gets it right and shuns the right songs. Current record: 2/1,000,000,000,000)

The thing with Miley is, try as she might, she is not and will never be sexy. And yet, no one's clued her in. As a result, we innocents continue to be tortured. I mean, it's pretty damn obvious what she's trying to do. Hannah Montana is finally being put out of it's misery and Miley, not content to just fade into oblivion and leave us all alone, is trying hard to prolong her "career" by transforming herself into an "adult" performer. (No, not that kind. Ugh, please...it's too early for vomit.)

What she's really doing is pissing off the parents off all the little girls that made her money and grossing the rest of us out. Oh yeah, and annoying all of us with that terribly grating voice of hers. Sorry, Miley, but all the cool, older people you're trying so hard to impress with your cooch thought you were lame before and there's not much you can do to change that. No, not even smoking salvia and getting "high."

For all these reasons you've been dethroned as my idol. Yes, it's all very sad.

Lady Gaga
I think I've mentioned a couple times before on the Juicebox that I had yet to come to a decision on the Gaga. I wasn't sure - was Lady Gaga a real, genius artist who was just too cool and avant garde for lame, old me? Or was she just a fancy famewhore who had managed to trick the masses into thinking she was a real, genius artist? Well, I've decided: Lady Gaga is just a fancy famewhore who's managed to trick the masses into thinking she's a real, genius artist.

Now, let's get this part out of the way: I don't not think that Gaga is talented. She is a good singer and she does churn out (annoyingly) catchy pop tunes. Oh yes, and as her fans love to mention, she can play the piano. *eye roll*

But a genius? A visionary? The world's most creative fashionista? PUH-LEASE! Wearing funny costumes, making catchy pop tunes and playing the piano a genius does not make. Why do you think she wears those outrageous costumes EVERYDAY, EVERYWHERE she goes? Because Gaga wants attention and wants very badly for you to not forget she exists and how WACKY, OUTRAGEOUS and AVANT GARDE she is. I mean why else would you wear these boots? (HAHAHAHA! @ her falling down)

As for the piano playing part...lots of people can play the piano and sing at the same time; it's not that difficult. And it really doesn't make her special or super-duper talented. And anyone can sing the stuff she sings about. None of it is particularly deep or meaningful. Examples:
-Telephone: Please stop calling me; I'm dancing with my friends at the club.
-Paparazzi: I'm so obsessed with you, it's like when paparazzi follows a star.
-Just Dance: Just dance.

Anyway, 2010 was the year of annoying Gaga. She tried her hand at politics, wore more stupid clothes (meat dress), made long, ridiculous videos (you're not MJ) and tried to be a fashion professor (WTF?!). Gaga 2010 wouldn't have been so bad if people would just acknowledge that she's nothing more than a overhyped pop star. And it would have been beautiful if she had just disappeared but...that's not gonna happen anytime soon, is it? *sadface*

Lindsay Lohan
UGH. This chick. How many chances does one crackhead get? And how delusional can one bitch be? *cough*DinaLohan*cough*

As almost everyone has said before, any of us normal folks would have found our asses in jail after going on a coked-up joy ride with captives in the backseat of our stolen cars. Or violating our probation. Or failing multiple drug tests. Lindsay, however, just gets herself a bit of probation. And after she violates that, she just gets a bit more. And even when her judges sprout some balls and send her to jail, she only spends a couple seconds in there.

I mean, I guess I understand...Lindsay Lohan is a prolific actress with unending amounts of talent and she must stay out of jail in order to do research for all the roles that are being offered to her. Ok, so, yeah, I guess I understand now...

._.

Famous mistresses
Anyone can be a useless whore...you're not that special. Please go away.
____

Ahhh, yes, I love me some beef and those were the juiciest steaks this year had to offer. Happy End of 2010 guys! Let's hope there's more good beef in 2011.

ciao!

Why I Love...

2010-11-22T18:53:00.001-05:00

...Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1!

Think of this as one of those fancy, critical "movie reviews." Except a lot less intelligent.

It feels so unnatural and wrong to say that I "loved" a Harry Potter movie because I usually strongly dislike Harry Potter movies. (And yet I go out and buy all of them and watch them multiple times...My mind works funny.) But I actually, really, genuinely liked this movie. I think it's due first and foremost to the fact that 1) Deathly Hallows is the only Harry Potter book I have yet to read more than once and 2) I haven't read it in quite a while. That really helped because I didn't have all the details of the book hanging out in my head space.

As "just a movie", I think it worked very well. The performances were really good (yes, even you, Emma). Rupert brought it like he has since the first movie and I love him for it. (Plus I suspect he's got hidden pec action going on under all those clothes which I find hot.) D.Rad has been steadily improving and it shows. And Emma, well...yeah...she wasn't bad, or whatever. Anyway, as for the other people, I liked that Bill Nighy was there, even if it was for only a couple minutes. I found Bellatrix annoying. I've never really liked Helena Boham Carter as Bellatrix but that's probably because I don't cream my panties over the character like some other Potter fans do. I'm sad that hot piece Blaise Zabini (don't know the actor's name) wasn't just randomly there for no reason because, well, he's a hot piece.

As for technical stuff, despite my 4 years of "training," I can't really say much about it critically. But from a plebeian point of view, I found the saturated color complemented the mood very well. And I found the hand-held camera (I think it was hand-held?? Either that or their Steadicam was broken) very intriguing and odd because it just popped up really randomly. Whatever.

I want to talk about the plot as a "just a movie" plot but, I really can't. Even though I don't remember the details very well, I still remember the basic plot of the book so I can't separate it from the "just a movie" plot. So, moving on to the "book adaption movie," besides the first two movies (which were probably, admittedly, pretty easy to adapt) this has been the best adaption of any of the books. I'll wait to judge the whole lack of Dumbledore's backstory since we have another 2.5 hours of plot left. Since there weren't too many "WTF?! Where is [blank]!" moments, I think they did a fairly decent job bringing this book to screen. It probably doesn't hurt that they have approx. 5 hours to do it.

As usual, I have to complain:
1)It was kinda annoying when they tried to weasel in things that they should have introduced before but couldn't until now. I can't recall any off the top of my head but it would be something like, "Oh, look, there's RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR, the Minister of Magic who came to power after Fudge stepped down about two years ago. I wonder what he's doing here?"

2)Why why why did Harry and Ron not have their heart-to-heart after he destroyed the Horcrux??? It wouldn't take that long and it was important in finally defining Harry and Hermione's relationship as strictly platonic. Ugh. Steve Kloves is totally a Harry/Hermione shipper.

3)When I read the book I was mostly looking forward to Ron's quasi-emotional breakdown at Malfoy Manor when Hermione was getting tortured. They were all so chill down there while Hermione was getting tortured (which wasn't as hardcore as it should've been) and that was annoying. Like I said, I'm convinced Kloves is a H/Hr shipper AND that he hates Ron because he never wants to show Ron or Hermione showing extreme affection for each other. And that annoys me. Because I found Ron's wailing and shouting and crying for Hermione really moving in the book.

4) There were some dumb unnecessary sequences like 1)Snape going to Hogwarts, 2) Neville on the train to Hogwarts, 3)that really stupid bit where Hermione was like "Put up the tent," then they faded to a shot of the tent, then faded out again. That was stupid.

Besides that stuff, and some other stuff that I've been told was important and missing, the movie was really good. I was pleasantly surprised and that was nice. (Also the theater I went to had caramel popcorn! How awesome is that?! I mean, it kinda sucked and got really stuck in my teeth but it was still really cool.) I'm cutting them a lot of slack since there's a second half of the movie. So, HP movie-makers, you have escaped my wrath this time. Nice going because I was totes sharpening my machete.

...

ciao!

P.S. - I wonder if I'll suddendly hate it after finally re-reading the book? Hmm....

All Hail King Kevin! . . . Again!

2010-11-05T17:41:00.005-04:00

It's that's time of year!

Man it's been quite a year for our man, King Kevin. He's now 23, married, officially in a band with all adults, and the proud owner of a Steve sweater. Happy Birfday, yo. We'll see you for the big 2-4. (It's big because the first is the square root of the latter.)

PS Estherocket has a November 5th post too. It's wonderfully nerdier though.

Why I Love...

2010-10-17T03:41:00.012-04:00

... Rock of Ages, the musical.

So I've shown my concern about certain rock musicals in the past. I love me a good rock opera (I mean, hello! JC Superstar?), but it's hard to take music we already know and love and make them work on Broadway. So when Estherocket (you know from We're Tight Like Lithium and Beryllium) initially mentioned Rock of Ages, a musical full of 80's hair metal, the Lady Friend and I were hesitant and instead picked the other option, Million Dollar Quartet. (It was awesome, JSYK.) Rock of Ages would have to wait.

For those who don't know, the basic plot of RoA follows Drew and Sherrie in their Sunset Strip love story, narrated by the fabulously mulleted Lonny, and with classic hair metal songs to sing alone with. But even with mullets and great music I was hesitant. I mean, come on; I'd seen what Broadway had done to Green Day. I was afraid of what it would do to the 80's awesomeness. Plus, Constantine Maroulis was the star. American Idol people aren't real people.

Anywho, the touring company stopped in Boston these past two weeks and I gave in to my fears and went. This is what we saw:

Per usual, Estherocket was right. It was a-to-the-muther-effin-awesome. In fact, we saw it twice.

(Imma be Lonny for Halloween next year. I would this time around but I'm all set for Tank Girl. Also, the touring girl, Rebecca Faulkenberry has a better voice for this show/music.)

Tomorrow is the last day for Boston, but the rest of the country is next in line for face-melting greatness.

An American Idol dude won me over. Who knew?

PS youtube some videos of Constantine singing "Midnight Radio". It's awesome. I'd love to see him as Hedwig.

Why I Love...

2010-09-30T22:11:00.001-04:00

...old school Late Night with Conan O'Brien clips!
(whoo! that was a mouthful)
(not really)

I was gonna love "Skins" this month but I only have 3 hours til September is over. Loving fail! I won't procrastinate next time.

Anyway, there's no reason not to give any last minute love to old school Conan O'Brien. I'm always tardy for the party so I didn't really start watching Conan until he took over the Tonight Show and even then I didn't watch him religiously. But I do have love for Conan's awkwardness, his sense of humor and his great knack for self-deprecation. He obviously doesn't take himself too seriously and it makes for some great fun.

The above video is my absolute favorite old school Conan clip that I've found (Particularly the English muffin bit...Don't give me that look. Watch it and you'll know what I'm talking about. Geez...) And here are a couple others that gave me a serious case of the giggles:

ciao!

P.S. - Happy October!

Holy Legal!

2010-09-16T21:00:00.001-04:00

Today is Nick Jonas' 18th birthday. I was gonna be all "Poor Nick! His crazy fangirls will attack him in the streets and tear his clothes off in want of his now legal body!"

...Then I remembered no one cares about the JoBros anymore; there's a new JB in town. (The Biebster, in case you didn't pick up on that. I thought it was pretty clever, ya know? Since they both have the initials JB. Yeah...I'm mighty clever.)

Lucky you, Nick. You're in the clear. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief and go back to being the most boring JoBro.*

Happy Birfday, Nick!

* Kevin = most royal/awesome Jonas; Joe = most annoying/really annoying Jonas

Why I Love...

2010-08-30T21:10:00.000-04:00

...Summer Radio!

To me, summer radio is special. It's the only time I really listen to the radio seeing as a)I only really listen when I'm in a car and b)I'm usually only hanging out with my car for a couple weeks out of the school year. So, the only time I get to catch up with what the young folks are listening to are doing those breaks at home.

What I love about summer radio is all the great lessons you learn. Yep, the schooling extends beyond the classroom. Due to most Top 40-esque radio stations only playing like, 12 songs on hour rotations, you tend to have some very important lessons hammered into your head over the course of 3 months. Here are 5 of the MOST important lessons I learned this summer. I can't wait to tell you what I learned!

._.

1. " Break Your Heart" taught by Professor Taio Cruz (with help from T.A. Ludacris)
What I Learned: It's a very basic lesson really: Taio Cruz is gonna break break your break break your heart. Don't worry, if you missed it the first time around, he repeats for you about 10 more times throughout the song. And if you miss it then, Ludacris will eventually put it into other words for you. Then Taio will repeat it again. It's a good teaching strategy, I must say.

2. " OMG" taught by Professor Usher (with help from T.A. will.i.am)
What I Learned: Usher Raymond, a grown ass man, refers to a woman's chest as "boobies." And he thinks they're "pow pow pow," whatever that means.

3. " Billionaire" taught by Professor Travie McCoy (with help from T.A. Bruno Mars aka the new love of my life)
What I Learned: When you can't understand what a person is singing, it ruins the joke they try to tell. Professor McCoy says, "It's been a couple months that I've been single so, you can call me 'Travie Claus' minus the ho-hos. Get it?" At first I didn't "get it" because I couldn't understand the "since I've been single so" part. But, now I get it and it's not that funny. Disappointing. Oh, also, most importantly: Travie wants to be a billionaire, so freakin' bad.

4. " Haven't Met You Yet" taught by Professor Michael Bublé
What I Learned: This is not a lesson that masters of summer radio would let me forget. Professor Bublé has yet to meet the woman of his dreams and he wants all of us to know. Too bad he doesn't know how desperate that makes him sound. Especially since homeboy recently got engaged. So, that means they should've stopped playing the song a while ago, right?? I know you agree.

5. " California Gurls" taught by Professor Katy Perry (with help from T.A. Snoop Dogg)
What I Learned: Cal-i-forn-ia gurls are unforgettable. And really, fcking annoying. A lesson I didn't mind learning at first soon became insufferable. It was like, ok Professor Perry, I get it! California gurls wear bikini tops and daisy dukes. Now leave me alone!

These are only 5 of the many songs that became unbearable over the course of the summer. Being someone who does have some love for pop songs, I liked quite a few of these upon first listen. But then I started to hear them all the time. Others include "Alejandro" by the Gaga (that evil, evil, little woman), "Airplanes" by B.o.B., "Your Love is My Drug" by Ke$ha (haha, that looks dumb), "Find Your Love" by Drake and "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem ft. Rihanna.

And this is what I love about summer radio. They take their 12 mildly enjoyable songs and play them over and over and over and over again, annoying us half to death until that artist releases another single (Example: "Dynamite" offered us reprieve from Taio Cruz's incessant warnings about breaking all our hearts). It's like they don't understand; your playing "Love the Way You Lie" once every half and hour does not make me like the song more. It makes me hate you (and Eminem) a lot. I know, I know, I can change the station. The only problem with that is I run the risk of hearing "Pretty Boy Swag."

*shiver*

ciao, summer!

How Many Licks?

2010-08-22T03:35:00.000-04:00

A 1, A 2, A 3 *CRUNCH*

This guy came out pretty adorable. More adorable then I had anticipated. I used this pattern for the basic body, and the rest I improvised. I'm so happy with this, and my friend seemed to enjoy it too.
Also I made this 4 months ago. Bit late, ain't I? But you know, camera phones are hard.

Top 5 Best Worst Degrassi Couples

2010-08-12T08:24:00.034-04:00

Welcome, my friends, to the final Degrassi Top 5. For the time being, of course, because really, I could do these all day. Hm...that's a thought...
Anyway, on to the best worst couples on Degrassi. These are the couples that are either so bad or so meh that I can do nothing but smile, laugh or shake my head in amused shame. Usually all three. Each couple is the best worst in their own special way so I'm sure you'll enjoy this one. Alright kiddos, let's do this.

5. Trick (Terri and Rick)

I don't know if Trick is the proper way to refer to the Terri and Rick pairing but, I'm under the impression that no one cared enough to give them a name. I think it fits though because Rick tricked Terri into thinking he was a sane person. HAHAHAHA....

._.

Anyways, Terri and Rick weren't really that fascinating. But they were good because they brought us a new Degrassi "Issue of the Week" in a pretty decent fashion. The relationship development was a little fast (this was when Degrassi writers still pretended they knew the meaning of "development") but they made up for it by bringing Rick back to try and kill Terri with a boulder. And to give birth to Wheelchair Jimmy. So yay! Degrassi writers for a well-used and well-crafted recurring character.
Trick was also good because it gave Hazel something to do (I think?). Hazel only had something to do when it came to being Paige's "yes" lady, kissing on Jimmy or telling people they've been abused. Well, there was the one time Hazel pretended to be Jamaican but, who cares? We've already established no one cares about Hazel. Trick also gave Terri something to do. Before Rick, she was just the fat chick whose mom died (Geez. She told that damn "My mom died" story all the time. Ok, Terri! We get it - your mom died). Like Hazel, the writers figured the only way to make Terri interesting was to put her in a relationship. At least they got it right with Terri and brought the drama.

On the other side, Terri + Rick were bad for one obvious reason: beating on your girlfriend ain't nice. It's also not nice to be a psycho control freak and bash said girlfriend's head open with rocks. Ok, he didn't bash her with a rock, per se. But he put her in a coma, for God's sake! Not cute. Terri and Rick were also bad for other less obvious reasons: the chick that played Terri was a less-than-stellar actress and her beau, the dude that played Rick, was annoying to look at. I would have preferred if Rick was hot-creepy instead of plain, old creepy.

Even though their acting was sub-par and their "love" was kinda gross, Trick was a chance for the Degrassi writers to show the big girls some love...Even if that love consisted of sticking her with a psycho weirdo, putting her in a coma, then booting her off of the Degrassi island.

Close your legs, Terri. That's not very lady-like.

Wait. Damn. That's harsh. Even Hazel got a better send-off then that.

4. Jashley 2.0 (Jimmy and Ashley)

Ah, Jashley. Jashley was our first taste of a Degrassi power couple until Spaige came along and showed us how it was really done. Anyway, Jashley 2.0 is the Season 5 finale resurrection of the once-dead relationship. (I'm ignoring their brief resurrection in Season 2)

Jashley was golden for one main reason: the mega-bitch that is Ashley Kerwin made her triumphant return. All hail Ashley! I think that Paige and Emma duke it out, in the minds of the fans that is, for the title of Degrassi's Original Bitch (correct me if I'm wrong). I have to give the crown to Ashley though because I think she deserves it. She initially showed us this during her original stint on Degrassi in it's first four seasons. She was being nice for a while when she returned and I was kinda sad. But then! Then, the real Ashley returned for that one Season 6 episode where Ashley deletes Jimmy's rap off their demo track because she is jealous of Wheelchair Jimmy's supa fly, hip-hop flow

._.

So, the only reason Jashley wins is because it brought back bitchy Ashley who was the only character, besides Paige, of course, who was brave enough to embrace the bitchiness, caress the bitchiness and love the bitchiness.
Also, if you've ever wanted to see Ashley in her bra and panties, then this is the relationship for you. Oh! And if you wanted to see Jimmy's boner you'd like Jashley 2.0. I mean, we saw Spinner's so, why not?

*mwah* There! Now we both still have a reason to be on the show.

But, overall, Jashley is a major fail. This was Degrassi just throwing people together AS USUAL. First, Jimmy gets his heart broken by Ellie (HAHAHAHAHAHA!). (I love Jimmy but relationship-wise he always gets the short stick. Having a crush on Ellie? I think the wheel chair straps were squeezing his legs to tight and cutting off blood to his brain.) Then Ashley, fresh off of a plane from London, is all, "I love you, Jimmy!" It was so weird and so incredibly random that no one genuinely questioned it because we weren't sure what we had just seen. Us: "Wait. Did Ashley just kiss Jimmy? When was the last time they even talked? Huhhhh? Oh well." Basically Jashley 2.0 is the first indication that Degrassi writers were about to give up. (Spoiler alert: they give up somewhere around the middle of Season 7).

"Uhh...why did you just do that?"

I really think the writers just felt bad for leading us (and Jimmy) on with the whole fake-me-out Ellie romance so they just stuck him with someone familiar. A convenient someone who had yet to graduate because she was too busy being bitchy in London: "I'm not American. I'm Canadian, dumb ass!...HOCKEY!"

3. Patt (Paige and Matt, aka. Mr. O)

Watch the horn, dude.

Another made up 'ship name from yours truly. As you can tell by their being on this list, I'm not too wild about Paige and Mr. O. However, one of the winning points of this pairing though is the funness (that's a word) of a secret, elicit, romance. Besides Craig screwing Manny on the side, this was the first secret, Degrassi relationship. It was fun watching Paige and Mr. O try to avoid anyone finding out they were making out in closets and eating lemon squares in the park. Also, Patt gave us two of Degrassi's finer moments: 1) The Manny and Paige GIRL FIGHT. (Although it was pretty lame compared to Emma and Alex's throwdown) and 2) "You're dumping me? And giving me drugs?" So delightfully bad and soo very LOL-worthy.

On the bad side, Mr. O was kinda gross. I'm guessing he was half-rhino or half-unicorn because, for some odd reason, he was sprouting a horn of some sort right in the middle of his forehead. He never completely transformed and of this I am deeply saddened because I was always hoping Mr. O would transform into a pretty unicorn and gallop away with Marco on his back into the Land of Fantastical Rainbows. Ok, I never really hoped for this. But now, thinking back on it, it would've been a much more fitting send off for them, right?
More bad: Paige and Mr.O's epically lame break-up. (See the above "dumping and giving me drugs" quote.) I mean, it didn't make any sense. "Yeah, sorry Paige. I'm gonna go be a teacher in the Yukon. But here, have some weed to remember me by. See ya later!" I know they were just trying to get him outta the way so they could pave the way for Palex but, come on now, there are much better ways to do it.

"Man...I wish Marco was here."

2. Jiberty (JT and Liberty)

JT makes out with a bowl of oatmeal

I just can't get into the Liberty and JT pairing mostly because I thought they were kinda...nasty. Why "nasty"? Well, because of Liberty, of course. As any Degrassi fan knows, Liberty crushed on JT since forever. But it was always annoying, never cute. You got the impression that you would never see the two of them together because Liberty was constantly butthurt over something while JT was the resident joker and free-spirit. Not a good combo in my book. So it was weird when the writers suddenly decided JT should return those feelings. I mean, I don't hate Liberty as much as some people do; she was much more bearable in her last couple of seasons. But her and JT? No, I didn't buy it.(I also didn't buy that JT would pick Liberty over smokin' hot, meatball sub, Mia. But then Pia came along and I'm now sure, more then ever, that JT was smarter than he looked.)

But it wasn't just Liberty. Their "chemistry" was kind of nasty too. It was just gross watching them make out with each other and be all lovey dovey. Not as gross as the nightmarish Liberty and Toby kiss we were forced to endure (*shudder*) but almost just as bad. Their dialogue always came off as extra corny (JT started talking very strangely when he got with Liberty). I never really bought that JT would all of sudden be into Liberty as much as I could buy her still pinning after him for all those years. There was just nothing sexy about their tragic, young love and I like my tragic love sexy, dammit!

Oh lordy...

Despite all that, we did get our second pregnancy thanks to Jiberty. Before Degrassi writers got bored and just started re-writing their characters and storylines (we all know Clare, Alli, Connor and KC were a lame attempt to recreate the Fantastic Foursome/sometimes Fivesome of Emma, Manny, JT, Toby and Sean), they seemed to actually be able to recreate some themes without it seeming super redundant. Liberty's pregnancy was completely different from Manny's. First of all, she wasn't a piece on the side. Secondly, she decided to give the baby up for adoption. Thirdly, JT played a much bigger baby-daddy role then Craig did and brought drama of his own to the drama party. And lastly, Liberty's pregnancy was completely unexpected. Liberty was supposed to be Ms. Responsible so it was interesting seeing what she went through. Anyways, I say kudos to Degrassi for a job ~~well~~ decently done.

1. Parcy (Peter and Darcy)

Manny struggles to hold back the puke as she witnesses "true love"

PARCY!!!!!!!!!!

   Aw man, words cannot begin to describe my love for the pairing of Peter and Darcy. They were Degrassi's own Romeo + Juliet. The most epic of Degrassi couples since the beginning of Degrassi time. The height of all Degrassi love, sacrifice and heartfelt sorrow. The master Degrassi combo of creeper-ness and fantastical weaves. Parcy: the very best worst Degrassi couple ever.
   As you might have gathered, I'm very fond of Parcy. They epitomize what a Degrassi best worst couple should be. While you shake your head at their lame, contrived drama, the annoying antics they get up to and their extremely bad dialogue, you continue to giggle in sheer delight every time they grace the screen and you think to yourself, "Gee, I hope this never ends!" Unfortunately, it always does. :'(
   So what's so bad about Parcy? Well, every thing that's good.

Secret lovers caught in their passionate tryst.

   Darcy was further proof that Degrassi girls are dumb as rocks. After Peter lies to her constantly and almost gets her raped by a Kevin Smith look-a-like, Darcy decides she's madly in love with Mr. Stone and that their destined for eternal love. Only at Degrassi. Then the DRAMA commenced. I could be good here and look up why it is that Peter and Darcy decided they just couldn't be together in public, but I'm too lazy. Also, I suspect it was some strange delusion of theirs that made them think that way anyway. But, off the top of my head, I think it had something to do with Peter being in trouble with his mommmy and not being allowed to kiss on girls.After they solved that non-dilemma, Peter and Darcy were left to prance through Degrassi halls whining at each other and being stupid.
   Kinda like Pia, the worst part of the Darcy + Peter equation was the annoying chick involved: Darcy. Miss high and mighty. (And somehow Spirit Squad captain even though Manny had been there much longer.) Darcy was one of the most annoying Degrassi characters ever and even though she sorta mellowed out when she was with Pete, she still made me want to punch her in the weave. Wait, no, not the weave; I love her Raggedy Anne weave. Don't get me wrong though, Darcy was one of those classic "love to hate her" characters for me so I was a bit sad when she left. But only a bit!
   On a (rare) serious note, one good thing about Parcy was how they factored in to Darcy's rape storyline - one of the saving grace's of season 7, IMO. Peter did a good job being the supportive boyfriend so, for most of season 7, you forgot that Parcy was a dumb couple and actually rooted for them to make things work.
   The best part of Parcy, though, was how incredibly contrived they were and the humour that ensued from such a fact. I already mentioned the stupid way they got together. But also stupid was the fact that the two of them had absolutely nothing in common. It wasn't even like Liberty and JT who had been (sorta) friends for a while or Sean and Emma who just worked because they just did. I mean, the dude almost set a sexual predator on her and she forgets after a couple of weeks. Once they got together though, Degrassi really took it to another level with their lame and hilarious dialogue. Feast your eyes on these gems (exclamations added for increased dramatic effect):

~Darcy: "Peter...you are my prince!"

~Peter: They're sending me away! I've got nothing to lose except you!
   Darcy: Peter - you got me!"

~Darcy: Your mom can't keep us apart, Peter! I believe that love conquers all!"

   I mean, these are really bad but, they're exactly why I love Parcy. We have delusional writers thinking their fans are dumb enough to fall for the intense, whirlwind "romance" between two delusional characters and that combination creates some of the best of the worst Degrassi coupledom ever.
Ah, young, delusional love.

*****

P.S. - Question: I'm curious. Who do you think is Degrassi's Original Bitch?
P.P.S. - I'm gonna take a break from Degrassi Top 5s for now but there will be more in the future. :)

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY JUICEBOX!

*sniff*

They grow up so fast.

Most pictures are actually mine! Aren't you proud of me? "Parcy" pictures courtesy of Boycott the Caf and the Degrassi website. No copyright infringement intended.

Why I Love...

2010-07-30T13:34:00.000-04:00

...Avatar: The Last Airbender!

Even though the ratio of decent:crappy tv on Nick is dangerously close to Disney's, Nickelodeon has it's few advantages that tip them over the edge. I've already discussed one earlier (iCarly) and now it's time to give some love to another one - Avatar: The Last Airbender. With kids' television in the shitter, it's shows like Avatar that give me hope for the young ones today.

First, what I love about Avatar is that it's not another kids' show about singing/dancing little morons who want to be famous. In fact, the Avatar world is pretty awesome. For those of you who don't know, in the Avatar universe, some people (called "benders") have the ability to manipulate the elements (fire, earth, air & water). The Avatar, who is supposed to keep the peace between the four nations, is the only one capable of bending all four elements. Avatar tells the story of a young airbender, avatar Aang, and his mission to master fire, earth and water so he can defeat the evil firelord. At its most basic, it's a pretty standard hero/villain storyline but, the bending & avatar lore mixed in with real Asian cultural influences makes for a very compelling story. (Plus, bending the elements? You know that's cool - don't lie.)

Another great part of Avatar are the characters; especially Aang. Aang has to be one of the most optimistic Chosen Ones I've ever seen. It doesn't take long for him to stop lamenting the fact that he's the Avatar and take full responsibility for his Avatar duties. He's no Buffy or Harry; constantly whining about how tough it is to be Chosen and how sad it is they aren't normal. (Whiny bitches...) Aang's a kid that still likes to have fun and that attitude makes the show a lot more accessible (and a lot less depressing than it has the potential to be). Plus he's freakin' adorable! Also great are Sokka and our favorite little scarred baddie, Zuko (Rufio! Rufio!).*

One of the best elements of the show, though, is the amount of effort the creators put into researching various cultures (mostly Asian) and incorporating them in the show. In fact, I learned something interesting from Avatar. The way they choose the Avatar in the show is based off of the selection of the Dalai Lama. Like the Dalai Lama, the avatar is a reincarnation. They choose the Avatar (and the Dalai Lama) by giving various toys to a group of children. Whichever child chooses the same toys that Avatar has chosen in a past life determines his or her status as the Avatar (Dalai Lama).

Avatar draws from various other Asian traditions, including Buddhism, Hinduism and general Japanese and Chinese culture. There are even elements of Inuit culture in Sokka and Katara's water tribe. Also (I'm almost done nerding out here), the bending styles and weapons used in the show are based on varying styles of martial arts. I find it really admirable that the show's creators and team would put so much effort into a "kids' show."

However, what's most cool about Avatar has to be the ample amounts of kid-friendly, badassery. First, our resident BAMF Aang who is, for sure, a master of airbending. Going hand-in-hand with his epic airbending skills are his BAMF tats. Yes, 12 year old (technically 112 but, whatevs) Aang has got himself some nice arrow tattoos that get all glowy when he goes into ultimate-BAMF mode, aka The Avatar State. Also, there's Katara, who, once she masters it, goes hard with the waterbending. Then there's Sokka who, although he's lacking in the bending department, can definitely hold his own. Also laden with BAMF tendencies is Toph, the little blind earthbending prodigy who'll give you a boulder to the head if you look at her wrong. Wait...

Anyway, the bad guys are pretty cool too (Zuko, Azula, Uncle Iroh, etc) but I've used BAMF enough so I'm just gonna move on.**

As for the movie, well, I haven't seen it yet but I heard M. Night took a big poo-poo on it so I think I'll just away from that one for a bit. At least we have some great source material to fall back on. For what could've been a lame anime knock-off, Avatar's done a great job creating interesting storylines and epically cool characters. Probably the greatest part about it is that you don't have to be embarrassed to enjoy it if you happen to be over the age of 12.

Not that I would be embarrassed because, I mean, I have no shame. *shrug*

ciao!

*I LOVE DANTE BASCO.

**Almost forgot the ultimate bad ass: APPA.

THE END.

Why I Love...

2010-06-25T09:46:00.001-04:00

... Michael Jackson's Off the Wall!

I feel bad for Off the Wall. Off the Wall is like the neglected younger sibling of Michael Jackson's (adult era) solo album family. Thriller is the annoyingly lovable eldest brother who everybody knows and adores. Bad is the cool, chill older brother who gets laid every weekend. HIStory is the moody, angry brother who you like sometimes but hate others. And...um, I don't have any clever family metaphors for Dangerous or Invincible but that's ok because I think you get the idea. Invincible aside, I think Off the Wall is one of Mike's most forgotten solo works. Which is a shame because I think it's one of his finest pieces.

Maybe I shouldn't say forgotten: Of course, no one can forget "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" and "Rock With You" but, most casual fans wouldn't be familiar with the other ear morsels (!) that the album has to offer.

Nugget of Knowledge: Off the Wall may be the first in the mind of some but, it is actually MJ's fifth solo studio album. (His first four solo albums were released under the Motown label back in the day.)

This little nugget of knowledge brings me to my first point of love: Off the Wall was when we got to see Mikey forreals. At this point in time, his creativity was no longer being confined by Berry Gordy & Co. Although Mike and his brothers had left Motown a while ago and had had more say in their music for some time, audiences could now enjoy MJ's freedom without having to expend extra effort trying to ignore his brothers in the background. (Except for Jackie who was, and still is, hot. And Marlon who was, and still is, ROCKIN' that mustache.) OtW was the first indication that Michael Jackson was not to be a child star that would fade into oblivion. He had [song]writing and composing chops in addition to his already proven singing chops. And he was serious about the music business - Off the Wall was MJ's first solo assault on the music industry. It should be renamed I'm HERE: You Bitches Best Get Used to Me.

Off the Wall was also a good plot foreshadowing of the happier times in the life of Michael Joesph Jackson, especially his musical success. It happened to be the first collaboration between him and Quincy Jones, a power duo that would churn out the subsequent mega-albums Thriller and Bad. It was also the first combination of MJ and British singer/songwriter, Rod Temperton. Rod wrote "Rock with You" for Off the Wall and would later go on to write the song "Thriller." OtW was a nice precursor to Thriller. It laid the groundwork for the collaborations that would bring Mikey big time success.

What I love most about Off the Wall though, is that we get young, happy Michael Jackson. The album was released in August of 1979, a couple weeks before his 21st birthday. I'm not sure how far back in history you have to go to find a carefree MJ, but I think if you stop at 1979 then you probably don't need to bother to go back much further. Yes, Mike was probably one of the most popular people in the world by then and yes, he was probably already a bit jaded by fame. But I don't think you ever again see the confident, carefree, happy Micheal that you see on Off the Wall; not musically at least. Michael Jackson was definitely an artist who could tell his audience where he was at with his music so you can tell there's a difference between Off the Wall-MJ and Thriller-MJ, a mere 3 years down the line.

A nice example of young, carefree, fraking adorable Michael Jackson (bow-tie!):

Besides all the implications of the album, the music itself is what really rocks my boat. Besides being a nice wrap-up to the disco era, Off the Wall is also pretty damn timeless. "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," written and composed by Mike himself, is an absolute masterpiece. (Really, DSTYGE is saturated in awesome.) "Off the Wall" is a really fun and light "just chilax" tune. "Workin' Day and Night" has to be one of the happiest laments of a whipped boy who ain't gettin' any AND it's funky to boot.* And the unbridled joy of "Get on the Floor" (in addition to that killer bass line) makes it one of my favorite new MJ discoveries.

If you haven't heard the other stuff on Off the Wall than I highly suggest you hop on over to Wikipedia, look up them songs and then get your butt over to YouTube because you're seriously missing out.**

RIP Michael Jackson!

*I promise I will never use the phrase "to boot" ever again
**Also, I'd highly suggest the special edition of Off the Wall. It has some fun interviews with Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton. It also has two demos ("Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" & "Workin' Day and Night") featuring Janet & Randy banter and MJ's obnoxious/endearing laugh.

Random Suggestion of the Day

2010-06-16T17:31:00.000-04:00

I honestly think Drake would sell more records, earn more street cred and get laid more often if he changed his stage name to Wheelchair Jimmy. The internet seems to think so and I agree.

I mean, I'm just saying.

'American Idiot' on Broadway

2010-06-15T00:58:00.004-04:00

It can't be on Broadway if it doesn't have rainbows and glitter, right?

I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, but I just don't understand this. I like the album (it's not the greatest ever made, or anything), but this? I just don't get it. Congratulations on winning Best Scenic Design for a Musical and Best Lighting Design for a Musical, and for getting a nomination for Best Musical, but I don't think I'll be off to watch it any time soon.

Why Don't Networks Ever Know What's Good for Them?

2010-06-01T16:18:00.007-04:00

Seriously, it's annoying.

OK, so ABC Family is the latest to screw the pooch. Now it may seem silly that I'm harping on the quality of this channel, simply for the fact that they aim for mindless teenage drama. Pretty much everything they touch is a big steaming pile that manages to garner a whole mess of viewers simply because 14-year-old girls haven't figured out what the meaning of good television is.

Then there was 10 Thing I Hate About You, the TV series. Great, another ABC Family crap pile ruining a great movie, I thought to myself. But nonetheless, I watched it because Lindsey Shaw is a smart girl and doesn't do crap jobs. I figured if she approves then I probably would too. And boy howdy did I!

10 Things was surprisingly clever and funny. The new plot -- The Stratfords moving from Ohio to California -- gave way for some character changes that worked, like Bianca's burning desire to be a popular cheerleader. And despite the same old premise, it was still new. I didn't hate Bianca despite her superficial ways, and I didn't hate her for wanting to be friends with Cameron instead acting as his match maker. Kat and Patrick's non-relationship was adorable and frustrating all at once, as well as funny. I even liked Joey, who was dumb and sweet in this version which worked so well. (My roommate adored him. I could keep going about the other characters but this blog is already getting lengthy. It can't hold my love for this show!)

It was even self aware, which is something I like in TV (See iCarly). Case in point the very very very making-me-keep-interest-in-dudes-hot Ethan Peck who takes on Heath Ledger's first iconic role. That man, who happens to be the grandson of Gregory Peck, has a deep voice and that bad boy face everyone wants in their line of sight at all times. As such, Dr. Stratford (a role Larry miller reprises from the original) describes Patrick as a "deep voiced man-boy." Pretty self aware, and a hilarious line to boot when delivered properly. It wasn't a high brow show, but it was still more clever and well written than anything else ABC Family has done to date. I was so proud of the network, even if they made that stupid movie starring Hilary Duff and that guy from Kyle XY.

And then they didn't renew it for a second season. They didn't even give enough warning to give it a proper ending. We have a cliffhanger of Kat and Patrick finally sleeping together and Larry Miller walking in on them. The last line of the series is "I'm not leaving." You can't leave us with that (quite funny, and ironic) last line and expect me to be OK with the fact that The Secret Life of the American Teenager was picked up for a THIRD season. How many teenage pregnancy scares can they have on that damn show? And don't even get me started on Pretty Little Liars. I refuse to even describe that piece-crap-to-be.

(Sorry, started to get really ranty, rather than mildly ranty.)

Back to the point, it's not even just that the show was canceled. The end of 10 Things marks another great show starring Shaw that get's canceled with a terrible ending. Is TV land out to ruin this actually enjoyable and funny actress' promising career? Not only that, Meghan Jette Martin, who plays Bianca, has had to go to the dark side. That's right, the blonde girl in the Camp Suck 2 video (which Ms. K.I.A wonderfully dissected for us) is the one and only Bianca.* You see what you're doing ABC Family? You're ruining careers AND my brain.

But alas, much like Conan (minus the drama) and Ned's DeClassified** there's just no justice for good shows with less than stellar ratings. The underrated shows always get the short end of the stick. It's a sad year for television. At least Community and Parenthood were renewed for a second season. Even NBC is getting better at this "being a good network" thing. ABC Family it's time to catch up. If you didn't catch the series while it was around, well I blame you for it's cancellation (Not really. OK only a little.) but don't fret. The series is on Hulu so watch and be sad you missed out.

And just so I don't leave you all on a sad note, here's a picture of Ethan Peck and Lindsey Shaw, one of the most attractive couples in a long while. That's one hot man/lady pair with glorious eyebrows. Micheal K would be proud.

*I'm not dumb, I know Disney owns ABC Family, so the transition isn't totally surprising but it still makes me sad. She could do better (not moneywise, but dignitywise).

**As far as I know it had good ratings, but it still didn't get a good ending.

Video Vomit: "Blessed Virgins Unite" Edition

2010-06-01T12:12:00.011-04:00

I have two sickly videos for your enjoyment (read: ridicule) today. Hope you're ready!

"Can't be Tamed" by the Blessed Virgin Miley

Y'all know I couldn't go without commenting on my girl Miley's latest attempt to conquer the music world.

So, I'm not sure if we'll be seeing this one on the Disney channel. Miley thought her booty shorts and butt popping weren't enough to christen the new, sexy Miley so she took it a step further by ditching the pants completely and attaching feathers to her arms. Yes, I know, HOTT.

As I'm sure you expected, there was "controversy" over Miley's "sexy" new look. I don't know why though. This is pretty tame if you consider Britney and Christina's foray into the world of sexy. All she's doing is giving herself some rub downs and pretending she's maybe about to kiss another girl. Miley's attempt is only decent. She needs to know that if there's no oil, midriff or heavy breathing then it ain't sexy. (Ass-less chaps help too.) But it's ok that Miley's getting it wrong because her attempts at "sexiness" just makes me uncomfortable. I wish she would've regarded Senorita McTree's advice and put her under-age boobies away because I really don't need to see that. (Oh yeah, and our Blessed Virgin Miley said "hell." *gasp* Miley's a regular BAMF, no?)

I'm gonna have to go ahead and admit the video isn't that bad. The "sexy" bird thing is...different. Not terrible just...different. But those CGI wings? Pretty cool. Also, Miley tries her hand at dancing again and it's...different. Thank god for editing, right?

As for the song? Well, let me make a quick confession. *sigh* Here it goes. "Party in the USA" is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know, I know. Please don't judge me. (This cover's pretty cool though) This song though? Eh, not so much. It's not as catchy (thank god). That won't stop it from getting stuck in my head but at least I won't like it.

Anyway, I told Miley a while ago to hold off on the sexy but she didn't listen to my advice. So, lets try this again: I know you're itching to get away from Disney but you need to hold on until your (18th) birthday this year! Then, buy yourself a big vat of baby oil, get yourself a tramp stamp, buy an ill-fitting sports bra and some booty shorts, and rent out an abandoned warehouse for a night of grinding, body rolls and writhing. Mickey will drop you like a hot potato and then you'll be forever free to slut it up.

If you're interested in even more Miley Vomit, you can check out the video from RadarOnline where she's giving Adam Shankman a 'lap dance.' [insert dramatic eye roll here] Puh-lease. Miley's just doing what we all did at 16 - grinding up on our gay, middle-aged friends. Prudes.
"It's On" by the cast of Camp Rock 2

So, next up we have a music video from Disney's latest audio/visual abomination Camp Rock 2. What to tackle first?

Well, let's get this part out of the way: the song sucks.
Cool; moving on.

Ok, so the Jonas Brothers are back again. I've kinda been missing them (read: Kevin). In an ironic turn of events, Kevin steals the show by hardly being in the music video. This is the way you do things. It's true that Disney's cheap cameras can hardly handle the man that is Kevin Jonas but we know Kevin also demanded that his image not be tarnished by excessive association with the aforementioned A/V abomination. Mickey knew what was good for him and respected his wishes. As for Nick, what I love about this kid is his talent for looking 1) really bored no matter the circumstance, 2) constipated or 3) both. I know he tried to look like he was really into playing the drums but we all know that Nick Jonas is never excited about anything. Annnnnd, I refuse to comment on Joe Jonas.

In typical Disney fashion, Mickey has waved his magical wand and now our little break dancing wonder and former co-host of Mike's Super-Short Show, Alyson Stoner is also a singer. When did this happen?!? Oh, yes, I forgot I already answered my own question: magic. Also, in typical Disney fashion being a black dude = rapper and urban. Duh.

Now on to Demi. I think she's turning into a vampire. She's so pale the light is reflecting off her face at some points. (Major fail lighting guy!) I bet it's the Jonas kid's fault. Run, Demi! He's sucking the life out of you!*

As for the video itself - it's very anti-climatic. They're just in a big, black room with lots of lights. It's not interesting. If they were going for a dance battle couldn't we get some bright colours and cool dancing? No, because this is Disney and their recent mission is to suck as hard as humanly possible. Anywayssss, the beginning, though only a couple seconds long, is warning me against watching this movie. It's screaming: CAUTION: BAD ACTING AHEAD! Also, I'm no fashionista but aren't their clothes weird? Dunno...to me they are. It's like the wardrobe person brought in a box of random clothes 5 minutes before shooting and told everyone to grab something quick. And I'm also not a dancer but their dancing is weird to look at. It's not pleasing to my eyes. They're like popping and stuff and it's awkward. Where's Michael Peters when you need him?

Basically, I have nothing particularly nice to say about this music video. Sorry guys. Better luck next time? JK. Please, don't try it again. Two is actually two times too many.

In other news, I will totally be watching this mess.

...cheers!

P.S. - Welcome to our tags, The Disney Machine. We've been expecting you.
P.P.S. - I just noticed that Brit Brit is wearing her underwear on the outside of her pants in the "Slave 4 U" music video. Weird...
P.P.P.S. - Michael Peter's is in heaven when you need him - in case you were wondering. (RIP)
*So the romance of the century has already ended. That was fast.

King Kevin Does It Again

2010-05-30T22:09:00.000-04:00

And by "it" I mean teaches us why he's King, you sickos.* (Also remember when he used to straighten his hair? How unfortunate.)

Apparently, the moment King Kevin realized he wanted to be a musician was when he was at an MxPx show, at least that's what Dying Scene is reporting, and dammit if that doesn't warm the heart. The boy has good taste in music. Maybe that's why the others never let him play a big part in the music making/performing process. His good taste clashes with their poopy taste. Yes, poopy taste.

It's OK King Kevin. We all know your intentions and inspirations are great.

*Besides, they sleep in separate rooms anyway.

Why I Love...

2010-05-27T16:19:00.003-04:00

The Golden Girls!
The only sucky thing about being in the UK right now is that Hulu discriminates against the Brits so I can't watch SNL. As a result, I've missed the recent culmination of Bettymania: Betty White co-hosting SNL. But it's ok. I'll just wait. Anyway, we're not here to laud Betty White alone. This month I'm expressing my undying love for The Golden Girls.

One of my favourite ways to unwind after a long summer day of doing absolutely nothing is to watch a couple episodes of The Golden Girls. The GGs are great for a couple reasons.

First of all: BEA ARTHUR (God rest her) as resident Deadpan Snarker, Dorothy Zbornak. Dorothy's always got some great reply to the numerous stupid things that Rose says. She also makes references to 80s pop culture that I don't get but I laugh anyway because I'm kinda dumb like that. Or! It's just that funny. (Let's go with the latter) As you know, I have much love for shameless sluts (See: Mia from Degrassi) so you know I have nothing but respect for Blanche, The Golden Girls' fancy, Southern, slutty flower. Even though Dorothy and Blanche are my favourites, I still have love for Rose and Sophia because both are pretty damn funny.

Another reason I love The Golden Girls is because it's bascially a bunch of old people talking about sex. I don't know about you but personally I get pretty bored of listening to young people talk about sex. It's not as classy, ya know? Old people FTW.

Besides that, The Golden Girls is one of the many great sitcoms of the mid-80s/early-90s. I think the sitcom has been dying a slow, painful death since the mid-90s and watching shows like The Golden Girls and comparing it to some stuff made post-1995 should show the difference between a good sitcom and the shittiness they call situation comedies these days. As with any good sitcom, The Golden Girls tackled some pretty big deal 80s issues while staying on point with the humour and not making you feel like you were watching a primetime after-school special.

Nothing's greater than watching a bunch of older ladies navigate their loves lives while stuffing their faces with cheesecake. I don't watch Sex and the City but I'm just gonna assume that The Golden Girls did it first and did it better. Alright, I'm off to stuff my face with cheesecake! I'll leave you with this fantastic scene:

:)
ciao!
P.S. - Oh yeah - the theme song!! Can't believe I almost forgot...

Dear Loving Celebrity the Retrospective Director Edition

2010-05-19T01:52:00.002-04:00

Dear Steve Barron,

You've directed many of our favorite visual stuff. The list includes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the movie, Coneheads, and a whole mess of our favorite 80's videos, such as the video for Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me with Science" and the a-ha video for "Take on Me." We really appreciate this. One thing though...

Apparently you did not want any dancing in the video you directed for Michael Jackson. This video was "Billie Jean." You almost screwed the pooch with that mindset. Be glad MJ convinced you to let him dance for 30 seconds because you are now eternally related to the video of the song that brought us the Moonwalk. Just saying.

Love,

The Juicebox

King Kevin Graces Us with His (TV) Presence

2010-05-16T14:27:00.001-04:00

We're not worthy!

So if you're not a game show enthusiast, aren't happy with NBC (*cough*Team CoCo*cough*)or just don't like middle-aged dudes with bleached hair, then you probably haven't watched this show Minute to Win It. Basically normal people have to do challenges with normal stuff in 60 seconds or less and have three lives and they try to win a million dollars blah blah blah.

Doesn't matter. Point is that King Kevin called them up and was all "Yo, put me on the show" and they were all "Hells yeah we will!"

He kicked some household-item ass. Watch the episode:

Now you may be asking why King Kevin didn't go all the way. Doesn't that mean he doesn't deserve to be King? That he's just some regular dude with plaid shirts and and rabid fans? And to this I say how dare you question his greatness! You're not worthy, indeed! Clearly he needs to seem average so we don't die from his awesomeness. Clearly. Besides, Fieri says it himself, King Kevin has won the most money in the (short) history of the show. So there, nay-sayers. Just be happy King Kevin is a forgiving King.

PS Notice how Joe was just *too busy* to be there. I mean come on, even Nick was there and he has two bands. My guess is that by the time Joe was satisfied with his hair the show wa--no he's still working on his hair.

Top 5 Worst Degrassi Couples

2010-04-20T09:50:00.045-04:00

Q: "Bad Romance;" the real-life kind, the TV kind and the Gaga kind - what do they have in common?

A: All invoke tears - tears of sadness, laughter and confusion.
(Respectively).

So here it goes. This time we're looking at what are, IMO, some of the worst couples in Degrassi: The Next Generation history. Note: I'm mostly ignoring post-Season 7 relationships & relationships that don't involve the original, core Degrassi crew. I've made one exception because it was just that bad. But if I took into account all the others, this list would be a) too long and b) too full of anger. My heart can't handle that. So let's go!

5.Jazel (Jimmy and Hazel)

Jimmy's so bored he can't even be bothered to smile.

Jazel loses simply because Hazel was part of the equation. Never before in the history of tv has there been a more useless character. Jimmy might as well have dated a piece of wet cardboard - it would've been more exciting then Jimmy + Hazel. Probably sexier too.

I'm pretty sure Jazel was a couple of convenience. First of all, poor, useless Hazel was only known as "that one black chick that follows Paige around." That's no good, right? They had to make her more interesting. So, why not put her in a relationship because, hey, romances are interesting. Also, Jim hadn't been in a relationship with anyone since the Jashley era. And it didn't make sense for him to be single because he was Jimmy Brooks - popular, rich, basketball-playing dude. But the real point of convenience was the fact that both characters were black. *shrug* You know it's true.

Jazel mainly sucked because nothing happened between them. There was no drama and you could never understand what the two had in common besides both going to Degrassi and hanging out with Spinner and Paige. Oh yeah, and being black. If you're gonna put two characters together who don't make sense, at least try and make them interesting.

Anywho, Jazel tottered along for about two seasons being boring as hell - even through the epicness of Jimmy getting shot. Yes, Hazel is that boring. They finally petered out in Season 5 when Jimmy started crushing on Ellie (gross, I know) and Hazel, realizing how boring she was, decided to jump off the face of the earth. Or something like that.
(I said "boring" a lot)

4. Marco and ANYONE
I wish there was a cute portmanteau for this one but there can't be because it's NOT cute what they did to poor Marco. Dylan wasn't so bad; the first time around at least. They were kinda cute only because Marco was cute as he peeked out of the closet and had a look around.* (Ugh, now I'm saying "cute" a lot) But then they kept bringing Dylan back and it just got boring. Marco was clingy and Dylan was all, "I'm Canadian, therefore all I care about is hockey."

Marco: "But why do the writers hate me so much?" *Sob*

Between the two Dylan bookends was some annoying new high school kid who's dad kicked him out. I don't know his name and can't be bothered to look it up. What I do know was that he was both annoying and very annoying. Thankfully, he joined the "Let's jump off of the earth" party with Hazel and we never saw him again. After Dylan, we got some black dude with a big gap in his teeth. His name also doesn't matter. I think Marco actually dated him. He, too, was annoying and also unattractive. Then Marco did it with Ellie...or made out with her - I DON'T KNOW. Either way, it was GROSS.

Basically, the writers suddenly decided they hated Marco and didn't want to give him any storylines that didn't pertain to him being gay. (Oh, there were the gambling & prostitution ones but they were just more proof that the writers hated Marco because they were very bad.) It wouldn't have been so bad for Marco to be all gay all day if they had at least given him some good romances. But no, Marco was continually punished for being adorable and fashionable.

I have a lot of love for Degrassi's first gay character. We got some really great episodes concerning Marco and his struggles (see: Pride, Careless Whisper). But after that all they did was screw Marco over with ugly or stupid boyfriends. Then they stuck him with a bunny. Disrespect to the nth degree.

3. Spanny (Spinner and Manny)
Ah, what can I say about the brief whirlwind that was Spinner and Manny? Simply "UGHHH." Why did they exist??? They made no sense except that Spinner was horny and Manny was still in her slutty, man-stealing phase.

Spanny came about at an interesting time for both characters. Firstly, it was post-shooting so we could be easy on them and attribute it to emotional trauma buuuuutttt, I'm not that nice. Both characters were recently single: Manny had broken up with her odd choice of a boyfriend, JT, earlier in the season. Spinner had been dumped by Paige after he took on the title of Douche in Residence (being a jerk, flirting with Manny & having gross hair).

Oh, how very lame we are.

Spinner and Manny appear harmless because they didn't last very long and didn't even have that much screen time. However, they irk me so much because the writers made their relationship into this big thing. Manny was mostly the reason Paige dumped Spinner. They even devoted a whole (bad) episode to exploring their newfound steadiness; fully-equipped with Manny pleading that Spinner not break her heart like Craig did. Then, after Spinner's confession, they just fall apart. No official break-up or anything. It was one thing that annoyed me about the whole "We Hate Spinner" post-confession campaign. His girlfriend, of all people, only gets a tiny scene where she gives him the silent treatment. It was just dumb. There was all this (minor) build-up and drama for nothing.

Spinner and Manny as a couple were both useless and grimy. Sure, Manny's hair looked really nice but she could've had nice hair being single too. Like all the couples on this list, they were simply a waste of good drama. I wish they never happened because maybe then we could've avoided the minor head trauma that was Chester. *shiver*

2.Semma 2.0 (Sean and Emma...again)

As you have already seen, I have much love for Semma. So why, you ask, are they on my list of Worst Degrassi Couples? Well, one main reason a couple fails for me is because one part of the couple fails as a character. It's one thing to have an unlikable but well-written character in a relationship with a character you like better (take Jimmy and Ashley as an example). But it's a whole 'nother thing to have a sucky character (or two) in a relationship (see: Jazel).

So, who sucks in the reincarnation of Semma? Sean. *gasp* I know. But Sean was put through the pussyfication machine while on hiatus from Degrassi and it ruined both his character and his relationship with Emma. I liked the somewhat cliche "bad boy with a heart" characterization of Sean. But when he came back in Season 6, he'd changed. First of all, he was even hotter. :) But on the negative side, he was some weird version of Sean who coveted Emma's shampoo fragrance and was sentimental and mushy. Ew.

I shouldn't give Sean all the flack though because I also think Sean & Emma: Take 2 was further evidence of the demise of Emma. I know people like to hate on Emma - lot's of people say she's a hypocrite and self-righteous. But Emma was consistently hypocritical and self-righteous and that's what I liked about her. Semma was just evidence that the Degrassi writers had forgotten about the characters they wrote.

There was also something insincere about Semma 2.0. It was almost as if the writers weren't sure why they put them back together so they had to try really hard to make them seem as if they fit and were not just a product of latent passion. There was no real evidence that the two had rediscovered any common ground. It was just, "Damn, Emma has boobs now. That's hott." and "Damn, Sean looks sexii. That's...sexii." Oh and "Damn, Peter's such a loser. That's not hott or sexii."

Semma should've been left in its grave. When a good thing dies, just leave it. Don't dig it up and parade its corpse around like it's your new, cute best friend. Corpses are gross, not cute.

1. Pia (Peter and Mia)

Peter: "Golly, we sure do suck." Mia: "Agreed"

Semma 2.0 almost earned the honorable spot of Degrassi's Worst Couple but then I decided they didn't bother me as much as the dreadful combination of Peter and Mia. At first Peter didn't irritate me much as a character. He was kinda seedy and demonic and I liked that. Then, as usual, the writers started eating their shrooms and decided that Peter should be "good." Blech. Although they're both essentially losers, the bigger loser here is Mia. I didn't mind her at first either. The teenage mom thing was different and because my heart was consumed with hate for Darcy, I didn't have room to hate on Mia.

However, once Darcy skipped off to CW-land, there was much room in my heart for hate and Mia, being a stand-up gal, slipped easily into the hole left by Darcy in both mine and Peter's hearts.

So, what's the problem with Pia? A couple things. First of all, they are incredibly contrived. Peter and Darcy were also incredibly contrived but in a way that was both hilarious and very hilarious. Pia, on the other hand, are contrived in a way that made you want to sip battery acid. Everything about the pairing was forced beyond belief. Their "love" was forced, their "drama" was forced, their "chemistry" was forced. All forced. All constipated.

Secondly, why couldn't Peter be single for like, 2 seconds? Peter quickly jumped from crushing on Manny, to dating Emma, to dating Darcy, to dating Mia. All that dating left no time for important things like taping girls' boobies or setting up soft-core porn shoots of fellow classmates. With all this dating (and shroom eating on the part of the writers) Peter couldn't be the little creeper devil we'd come to love.

The good ol' days when Pete was a single, white creeper.

Lastly, Mia sucks. As soon as JT died, we got to see that Mia was whiny and self-entitled. Then the whole modeling thing came around and we also got to see that she was a bit of a bitch and a major ho. (Which I kinda respect because who doesn't love a shameless slut?) What most annoyed me about Mia though was her whining. Whine, whine, whine; that's all she did and that act got real tired, real fast.

Unfortunately for Peter, when his girlfriends aren't making out with other guys, they're jumping the Degrassi ship in favor of crappy CW shows. So, fortunately for us, Mia has gone off to snog vampires (or "model in Paris" *snort*, *giggle*). But the viewers soon learned that they weren't that fortunate because now we have to deal with a pathetically single Peter that doesn't do any shady stuff. Ugh. Where are Manny and her boobs when you need them?

---

Honorable mentions: Janny (JT and Manny, Pemma (Peter and Emma), Demma (Damien and Emma), Sanya (Sav and Anya)**, Jalli (Johnny and Alli) and most other post-Season 7 relationships.

ciao!

*Seriously though, Adamo Ruggerio is hella cute. And his name is oh so Italian
**Good god, how fcuking annoying are these two?

P.S. - We'll wait til the end of season 9 before discussing the Top 5 Best Worst Couples so hold out, if you can. (I'm sure you can) Also, magic words of this post: boring, cute and boobs.

I lay no claim to the above pictures. They belong to whoever owns them. I swear!

Video Vomit: "Rup. G Panty Creamer" Edition

2010-04-18T16:19:00.001-04:00

This needs no explanation, no commentary. Simply read the title, then feast your eyes.

You're welcome.

ciao!
;)

Why I Love...

2010-04-06T23:44:00.004-04:00

Cats.

Why I Love...(PART 2)

2010-03-28T23:20:00.007-04:00

...pulp fiction. (The genre, not the movie...I'm making up for not posting in a while.)

The reason I love pulp novels is simple: it's about bad-ass dudes and broads doing bad-ass stuff in a seedy, nasty world. That and because "The Invisible Millionaire" from Follow the Saint by Leslie Charteris gave us this fabulous line:

"To compare it to the face of a gorilla which had been in violent contact with a variety of blunt instruments during its formative years would be risking the justifiable resentment of any gorilla which had been in violent contact with a variety of blunt instruments during its formative years."

That's great stuff only a classic character like The Saint can get away with.

Why I Love...

2010-03-27T16:57:00.008-04:00

Photo Source

Pop-up books! (Man it's been I while since I've done one of these...)

Seriously though, who didn't like pop-up books? It made reading fun. Pulling out tabs that made a dog's tail wag. Entire forest scenes popping up from the page. Pop-up books were an interactive adventure story. But the best part is: it's not just for kids.

The world of book and paper arts just makes things even better. There are some absolutely amazing paper artists who just make me green with envy. Even the Smithsonian Libraries have dedicated a portion of their blog to it. There's even a Movable Book Society!

I mean, come on! Look at this and tell me it's not cool:

Source

Exactly. You can't! Check out some of the other posts on the SILS blog, some amazing stuff on this French website, and this NPR piece about Robert Sabuda and his Alice pop-up. Really good stuff to say the least.

Top 5 Best Degrassi Couples

2010-03-09T15:46:00.000-05:00

Of all my obsessions (Miley lovin', Twilight-hatin', Disney rantin', etc) I've somehow neglected to give props to my all time favorite show ever in the history of forever and my constant #1: Degrassi: The Next Generation. Me and Degrassi go way back. I first discovered the show in it's 3rd season and was immediately enraptured by its Canadian-ness and perfect grasp of campy, teen drama. After catching up on seasons 1 & 2, I've kept up with the show ever since and have even become hooked on it's predecessors, Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High. (Which are so late-80s/early 90s it's beautiful. *tear*)

Degrassi sucks now, no lie. Well, it's not that bad but it's pretty bad. Either way, I still watch it because it's my best friend and time apart equals a broken heart. The second half of Season 9 is due sometime soon (...I hope?) so I thought I'd celebrate by listing my top 5 favorite Degrassi couples EVA.

5. Sellie (Sean and Ellie)

Blasphemy, I know. In the Holy Church of Semma, Sellie is the devil. But I must put aside my prejudices and give props to the writers for this one. After the heartbreak of seeing Emma and Sean split, I wasn't too happy with seeing Ellie move in on my Emma's man. And I always thought Sean was too good for Ellie's whiny ass.

But, even though I don't like Ellie, I think they made a decent couple. They both had pretty effed up home lives (Ellie: drunk mom, Sean: non-existent/drunk parents) and a good deal of personal problems (Ellie: cutter. Sean: anger problems, Candy Bandit). So in terms of two tortured souls having each other to lean on, they worked out quite well. They were also actually kinda cute sometimes (BARF) and Sean seemed extra sweet while he was with her.

Like most high school relationships, this one ended after some psycho shot up the school and Sean, having saved the day in a tragic way (RHYMES!), feels the need to go cry in his soup at this parents' house leaving Ellie stuck on her own with the rent. You go, Sean. I mean, aw, how sad for Ellie.
:)

4. Palex (Paige and Alex)

Ya know, I liked Palex mostly cuz I liked Alex but also because it was Degrassi's first, and only lesbian relationship. First of all, Degrassi's proved they suck at gay relationships. Just look at Marco. Poor Marco. When he was struggling with his sexuality it made for some really good episodes (See: Pride). But when they tried to hook him up, it never worked. But we'll talk about that later. One reason I think Palex worked so well is because it wasn't about two girls that liked each other, it was about two people who liked each other.

I really like that Degrassi wasn't just trying to get us all hot and heavy with some vapid girl-on-girl action. Paige and Alex had genuine concern for each other's well-being and were there for each other during the tough times (anxiety attacks and stripteases). It's always nice to have someone standing by to remind you not to suck.

Like all of the other relationships on my list, Palex had some good relationship development. Their courtship is pretty random but it if you think back to the saga of the Paige and Alex friendship then they make some sense.

However, the good times quickly faded when new-Alex magically became old-Alex and was booted off the Degrassi island. Sadness. She now spends her days with Kendra and Manny's imaginary brother looking for the secret portal back to Degrassi-land.

3. Crash & Cranny (Craig and Ashley/Manny)

Ok, I'm kinda cheating (like Craig) but I honestly can't choose in the Crash v. Cranny debate. I guess I lean more towards Crash because they seem to make a bit more sense than Craig and Manny. For one, both Craig and Ashley are self-involved, morbid drama-queens. They are Lindsay Lohan and a pair of leggings; they just go together. And even though Craig seemed to take over Degrassi after a while (seriously, most of seasons 3 & 4 were all about Craig) the drama that was Crash was usually quite entertaining. Plus I've always liked how they got together. It was a good character development point for Ashley.

As for Cranny, I guess they were kinda cute but only because Manny was adorable and naive with her slutty, little self. They also brought the drama in a major way with Manny's pregnancy/abortion storyline, which is one of Degrassi's finer episodes. Even though I didn't mind when Crash 2.0 came around circa mid-season 4, Cranny 2.0 (Season 5 into Season 6) was just unnecessary and a bit contrived.

For me, Crash and Cranny are a package deal because separately they just aren't enough to earn my eternal love. But together they are a thing of teen drama beauty. The whole Craig/Ashley/Manny ordeal was TNG's first crack at the love triangle. They've done it many times since and they all reek in comparison to the epic-ness that is Craig, Manny and Ashley.

2. Jaitlin (Joey and Caitlin)

Joey and Caitlin are actually a remnant of DJH and DH. In fact, Joey and Caitlin are sorta the Sean and Emma of their time. You had two opposites: Joey, the classic underachiever and Caitlin, the fight-for-your-rights, let's-protest-everything chick. I guess I should say that Sean and Emma are the Joey and Caitlin of their time. My bad.

Even though they never seemed to be able to work things out (Joey was usually the one screwing things up) you were still rooting for them, mostly because both had extremely luscious hair...And also because, like Semma (see below), you saw two people who were so different from each other but had the chemistry and loving feeling for a relationship. You really just wanted them to work things out. But nooooo, Joey just had to FCUK Tessa Campinelli. (I really, truly, and honestly suggest you watch DJH and DH)

Anyway, they had a good but brief run on TNG and even though I can't for the life of me remember how it happened, I'm sure their break up was somehow Kevin Smith's fault. :(

1. Semma (Sean and Emma)

I guess you should have figured out by now that my #1 Degrassi couple consists of Sean Cameron and Emma Nelson. Now, the Semma I'm referring to is the one that began in Season 1, took a break at the end of the season, was resurrected in Season 2 and then died in Season 3. As far as I'm concerned, Season 6 Semma did not exist because it was an absolute abomination. But, I digress.

Semma 1.0 is probably Degrassi's only good "opposites attract" relationship. (I wouldn't count Spinner and Darcy since Spinner was trying to be good. And Johnny and Alli? Blech.) Unlike a lot of Degrassi's later relationships, this one actually had some development and didn't just fall out of the sky. Also, it was an example of Degrassi using it's relationships for character growth which we got a lot of for both Emma and Sean.

Like I said before, Sean and Emma, like Joey and Caitlin, were coming from two very different places in life and yet they still seemed to make some sense. I guess they each offered what the other was lacking; a little loosening up for Emma and a bit of structure and direction for Sean. And they were very, very cute in the beginning. Seriously though, how adorable is their first kiss?? And their first date??? And when they danced at the school dance??? Awww, they were too cute.

But, if you think about it, Sean and Emma didn't really last that long. Their downfall was definitely the fact that they were so different and both too stubborn to compromise or try and understand each other. Ah well, they were good while they lasted.
-----
Honorable mentions: Spane (Spinner and Jane), Spaige (Spinner and Paige) and Jashley (Jimmy and Ashley)

ciao!

P.S. - Look out for my Top 5 Worst Degrassi Couples and Top 5 Best Worst Degrassi Couples, coming soon to a theater near you.
P.P.S. - I <3 Joey Jeremiah.

Ain't none of these pictures mine, yo.

Why I Love...

2010-02-27T19:48:00.006-05:00

...The Original "We Are the World"

Ok, so I don't love "We Are the World". I've honestly never really been a fan of the song. But I do like it much better than "We Are the World 25". The song is a tad bit corny but you can't completely hate it because 1) it's for Mother Africa and 2) it's so damn catchy. Oh and 3) in the video MJ is rockin' this jacket:

That's a nice jacket. I want that jacket.* Anyway, the original trumps the new one on many levels. Let's take a look. TO THE LIST MAKING MACHINE! [Insert old school Batman transition here]

1. Musicians v. "Musicians"
The original "We Are the World" is most well-known for it's superstar cast. It was written by music superhero Micheal Jackson alongside fellow Motown legend, Lionel Richie and produced by the-one-and-only Quincy Jones. Throw all the other humongous names in there and you've got the highest quality ingredients for a charity single hit. One of the problems with the new one is that most of the performers don't matter. Everyone's gonna remember the name Diana Ross for years to come. But who's gonna remember Nicole Schrzinger? (You don't know who that is, do you?) Or Justin Beaver? Or Joe Jonas? Nobody, that's who.

Also, this might just be because I'm out of the loop, but I didn't recognize half of the people there. Who were those people? If they're gonna make a charity single they better put in some of the few people I know like The Gaga and Queen B. (As long as they don't sing "Video Phone" *shudder*)

Lastly, Lil' Wayne? Really??? Not only was it an insult to actual singers who could've had that line but it was also an insult to Bob Dylan who I hear is like, really famous or something.

2. "Leave your ego at the door"
It's said that 25 years ago Quincy Jones told everyone to drop their egos off with a babysitter for the night but I guess ego babysitting is an 80s phenomenon because people seem to have brought theirs along this time.

Ok, so there's actually no evidence of egoism here. From what I hear, Barbra Streisand was the only one who threw a diva fit. But there's something over-processed about WATW 25. Maybe it's because I'm more aware of the beast that is celebrity and how it is usually skips hand-in-hand with huge egos these days. Everyone just seems so glammed up and shiny. Which is what I would've expected from the 80s WATW considering most of those people were just coming from the AMAs. But nope, everyone seemed rather cozy in their WATW sweatshirts. No, "I'm ready for my close-up" hair and make-up.

3. We're so concerned
Man, the beginning with J. Hud and what's-her-face from the Pussycat Dolls (that Nicole chick you don't know) is so full of "look how concerned I am" face that I almost fainted from the overload. I don't disagree that the situation in Haiti is a grave one so people probably shouldn't be having tickle-fights and dancing on tables. But, everyone in WATW 25 seems so aware of what they're doing and it kinda ruins it. I guess, with the legacy of the original hanging over your head it's hard to not know the sort of impact that you could be making. So, I'll give them that. But there's a whole different vibe coming from WATW #1. Everyone seems to be having a good time and there's a real sense of hope as opposed to the morbidity and "This is serious, guys" attitude of WATW 25.

WATW looks like a bunch of people just recording a charity single while WATW 25 looks like a bunch of people recoding a charity single for a music video.

4. Not enough adorableness
Where are the cute people in WATW 25??? WATW had Paul Simon looking adorable with his bad haircut. It had Cyndi Lauper looking adorable with her multi-colored hair and baby face. It had Willie Nelson looking adorable in a "I'm kinda confused" way.

In fact, it's missing a lot of things: big hair (Diana Ross), shoulder pads (LaToya Jackson), mullets (Steve Perry), blind piano players (Stevie and Sir Ray Charles) and Kenny Rogers. At least they kept The Jacket. Good job, guys.

Verdict: Well, there's not much of a verdict; I already said I liked the first one better. Allow me to demonstrate through music math: Tina Turner + Bruce Springsteen + Billy Joel + Diana Ross (- The Supremes) x Ray Charles = Awesome Overload while Miley Cyrus + Justin Beaver** + The Jonas Brothers (- King Kevin) x Lil' Wayne = Kinda Alarming

All in all, I guess the final "verdict" is that WATW 25 lacks the musical prowess and charm of the original. Everything's too glossy and glamorous visually while sonically (whoa!) it sounds disjointed, esp. with the rap bit. I honestly think they should've just hired R. Kelly to churn out one of his famous choir-backed anthems and just left WATW alone. But, it was for charity so I can't hate too much. I'll just be in this corner quietly sipping my haterade.

ciao, muchachos

*So, I did some research and that jacket (along with the gloves on the cover of the Bad album) are being housed at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Annex in NYC. I'm thinking we get a group together and go steal it? Let me know!
**I wish his name really was Justin Beaver because then he'd be a real Canadian.

"Why isn't it ever over when she says, 'ciao!'" you ask. I don't know, I really don't.

I'm Still Bitter: So Weird

2010-02-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

One of the best parts about getting old is being bitter and annoying about things from the past that can't be changed. I figure, since I just turned 20, that I should just go ahead and start early.

What am I bitter about today? So Weird. Not the show itself, of course. But rather the sucky third season. You know me and Disney are always in a war - an imagined war - but a war nonetheless. And it seems that Disney can do no right lately because, well...they can't. (No one, and I mean NO ONE who greenlights Camp Rock 2 can ever do right again. It's not in line with the laws of the universe.)

In case you don't know, So Weird was a tv show that aired on the Disney channel way back in 1999. It was about a girl named Fi[ona] (Cara DeLizia) who traveled the country with her rocker mom (Mackenzie Phillips), her brother Jack and some other random people who don't really matter. Oh, except for Eric von Detten who always matters. Anyway, Fi would always run into supernatural occurrences (little girls who were werewolves, aliens, time warps) that helped her connect with her deceased father who was also into exploring the supernatural. Yeah, deep stuff.

When Season 2 of So Weird ended, the show was getting in there. Season 2 was pretty dark, for a Disney show that is. It dealt primarily with Fi finding out that her dad, like her, dabbled in the supernatural. She also finds out this was probably the cause of his death. In the season finale, Fi discovers that her dad's twin sister receives messages from him in her sleep. Fi has some encounter with a demon on a roof and is saved by the ghost of her father. I mean, this really is deep stuff, guys.

Then season 3 comes around, Fi's gone and we're dealing with people getting sucked into pretty paintings. Um, whaaa? What seems to have happened is, even though the writers had a wicked sick third season planned, DeLizia left the show for whatever reason and Disney said "Uh, no" to what the writers had planned. So, DeLizia was replaced with Alexz Johnson (of Instant Star fame) and So Weird got itself a nice, light, happy! tone. Blech.

Now, I happen to like Alexz Johnson and I can't blame her for So Weird's demise. It's not her fault Fi upped and left. But I can blame Disney because I'm in a network blaming mood. *cough*NBC*cough*

If it wasn't for Even Stevens and, yes, even Lizzie McGuire, I would say this was the end of a Disney era. Disney hasn't had a kid-oriented drama since So Weird ended. (Even though it is dramatically bad, JONAS is not a drama, kiddos). Disney has never really been one to push the envelope but they've really given up lately.

Interestingly enough, So Weird is an earlier example of the "special teen" formula of which Disney is now so fond. Except, that time, they were doing it right. Hannah Montana, That's So Raven, JONAS, Sonny With A Chance...they are all so overplayed with their identical storylines and bad humor. Wizards of Waverly Place is actually pretty clever in my book (for another discussion). And Suite Life of Zack and Cody (not that "On Deck" sh*t) didn't pander too much to the "special teen" formula. Plus is was mildly funny when it first started. So Weird happened to be creative and entertaining. Also, the main focus wasn't "I'm a special teen who travels with her rock star mommy. I'm so special!" The show focused on cool supernatural folklore and legend and family dynamics. And it was more than just mindless entertainment churned out for annoying 10-year-olds. It looked like a lot of thought had gone into the never seen third season.

Season 3 of So Weird makes me bitter because it's largely representative of the growing hole in quality television for our precious 9-14 crowd. (Those are made up numbers y'all; I don't know Disney's target audience) Like I said before, I have to forgive the writers because the odds (aka Disney) were against them. But it just gives me more reason to want to give Mickey Mouse a good, swift kick to the gut.

Kids these days need what we had back in the 80s and 90s. Once upon a time kids' tv taught us how to enjoy our imaginations and find the excitement in the mundane of everyday lives instead of sitting around on our bums wishing we were famous pop stars or bad actors. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Nick J.)

And that, my friends, is why I am bitter.

ciao.

P.S. - Happy 18th Birthday, Taylor Lautner! If your parents love you, they've hired you an entourage of big, burly bodyguards and bought you a house with a reeaaalllyy high, electric fence...Enjoy!

Why I Love...

2010-01-31T10:53:00.001-05:00

...missing all the FANCY award shows.

First "Why I Love..." of 2010!! Excited??
(Don't be)
I'm enjoying not taking part in this year's award show season. I like to hold out for the more legit award shows like the MTV Movie Awards and the Kids Choice Awards, anyway.

Reason #1 I'm checking the absent box is because I find award shows unbearably boring. I don't blame Mariah for downing one too many at whatever award show that was. I, too, would have to partake in lots of free booze to be mildly interested at one of those things. Unless you have lots of money on Lord of the Rings or you're just hoping for some nip-slips, there isn't much going on in award shows that I can imagine an outside audience finding genuinely interesting. That's why I'm skipping all these high class award shows in the beginning of the year and holding out for the VMAs where the Evil English Clown talks about how he'd still do Gaga even if she was packing something extra. Low class = fun!

Reason #2 is because I haven't seen most of those movies, heard of most of those actors or despise most of those songs. As someone aspiring to find themselves somewhere within the entertainment realm, I might wanna work on the first two. But, for now, as a poor college student, I'm perfectly content with not shelling out $10 every week to gather that knowledge. As for the music, ugh, don't get me started.

Reason #3 is because award shows largely seem like a large pat on the back anyway. Who gets nominated is largely dependent on what kind of hold they have in their respective industries and how popular they are at the time. There are a ton of artists who've won lots of these big name awards (SAGs, Oscars, Grammys, etc) early in their careers when they were hot and popular but stopped getting them later in their careers even as they continued to do good work. Does this mean their later stuff sucked? Or is a "Record of the Year" Grammy more of a "Most Popular Record of the Year" award? I don't know, man. You tell me.

Oh well. I'm sure everyone has fun putting on their pretty, fancy dresses, strolling the red carpet and getting tons of free stuff. I'm not saying I wouldn't show up if I got nominated! I would def sit through a bunch of boring speeches if it meant I got a nice, shiny statue and a free watch :D

ciao!

P.S. - Funniest thing I've heard all week: In case you didn't know, tonight is The Grammys. (Yeah, I don't care either) Because Michael Jackson sadly checked out a couple months ago, the Grammy people are (finally?) giving him a Lifetime Achievement Award and they're paying tribute to him with some 3-D show or something. I don't know.

Anyway, there was a little rumor going around that his kids, The Three Ps, were going to sing at the Grammys. Ok, so it's not LOL-funny but, it is kinda funny that anyone would believe that three (grieving) kids, who have presumably never performed in their lives, would hop up on stage in front of millions and give us a show. Maybe I'm just silly but the thought of that being believable makes me giggle.

Soooo...let me know how the show goes. Ya know, who's terrorizing Ms. Swift, what crazy outfit Lady Gaga is wearing and what the Jackson 3 sing. I hope they sing this song.

P.P.S. - The Three Ps (presumably, Prince, Prince II and Paris) makes me think of Ed, Edd and Eddy. I never liked that show...

Remember when I used to post stuff?

2010-01-27T19:27:00.006-05:00

Yeah me neither, but look crochet stuff! So this will be a quick post. I made this little guy, using this pattern, for a friend's birthday about a month after her birthday. I didn't follow the directions for the eye and just sort of made it up as I went, but since the other instructions we're good, I'm sure the ones for the eye are as well. It's still sitting in my living room. I'll mail it. One day. Soon. Hopefully.
I also made a crochet hair band for another friend (which I didn't take a picture of. And I also have to mail. One day. Soon. Hopefully) based on this design but tweaked a tad to make it continuous. This lady (who is funny enough located where my friend is...) has some other beautiful designs (including these hand warmers which I made but didn't take picture of, to go with a teal version of this hat which I made but did not take a picture of, that was for the same person as this cuttlefish a teal version of which I made but didn't take a picture of, using a pattern I bought from Hansi Singh on Etsy, the same person who wrote Amigurumi Knits which has an octopus pattern in it which I DID take a picture of but never posted, and also has a pattern for a Loch Ness Monster I didn't take a picture of. You see a pattern no?)
That's all I got. Sorry. I'll work on getting some other stuff to write about. Now that Conan's gone I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe post more?

***EDIT***

I found the octopus picture:

Oh, Coco...

2010-01-22T08:43:00.009-05:00

...how they screw you so. Mmm...

Ya know, I am so emotionally invested in this Conan vs. Jay vs. NBC drama that it's kind of embarrassing. Like, I've been getting really worked up when the issue comes up and was so desperate to find out what was coming next. Well, it seems like Part 1 of the drama is now over. Before I comment, allow me to recap:

Five or so years ago Jay Leno announces he's gonna leave the Tonight Show and that Conan O'Brien is his appointed heir. Some suggest Jay's hand was forced, others suggest it is of his own accord. Who knows. (Or cares.) (Wait - I do!) So, Jay's retirement date is fast approaching but he's getting antsy. He doesn't really want to retire...he was just joking! But it's kinda late now.

So, the way I understand it (which could very well be wrong; I can't be bothered with "research") Jay seems to be hinting that he's not really retiring and will just move on elsewhere to do more late night stuffs. Now, NBC's wallets get nervous. Jay's been bringing in the big numbers (i.e. beating Dave Letterman) and they don't want him to Jaywalk ;) to some other network. So NBC, and their wallets, invite Jay to his own prime time spot at 10. Then, Jay says bye and Conan and Jimmy move into their respective late night spots. Not too long after, Jay moves back in to the neighborhood.

But there are issues: (ONE) Jay's numbers suck and he's making it hard for his neighbors, NBC's local news affiliates. I mean geez, you really gotta know you're bad off when you're scaring people away from watching the news. (TWO) Conan's not bringing in the amount of viewers that Jay was and *gasp* Letterman's beating him some (most?) nights. (THREE) Minor issue but, Jay pushed Law and Order: SVU out of it's regular spot and it's only part of their decline in viewers. So, to shorten the rest of this story: Jay's primetime experiment is canceled; he's offered Conana's 11:30 late night spot for a half hour show; NBC says, "Move down a couple houses, Conan;" Conan says, "Pssh, yeah right" and then we get to where we are now, asking "BUT WHAT ABOUT JIMMY???"

JK.

What we're all asking is, "Who the hell is in charge at NBC and how the hell did he get there??" (It's Jeff Zucker, btw, and I don't know how he got there. Go look it up!) The issues that have gotten me most about this whole thing are how there seems to a blatant disregard for promises and contracts and some sort of strange (and possibly misguided) attachment to Jay Leno.

I'm not even gonna get into the debate of who's funnier; I haven't watched either of them long enough to make a proper assessment and I'll laugh at pretty much anything so...yeah. Anyway, what I've taken offense to is NBC's royal screw over of Conan. They just seemed to have it in for him and don't seem to have any confidence in the guy. Yes, it's true that Conan wasn't bringing in the numbers that Jay was when he stepped down but, how could he? Word on the block is that Jay wasn't so hot his first couple years in late night. Not to mention, Conan himself struggled to gain an audience when he first took over Late Night and they didn't chuck him to the wolves then. Think about this Jeff Zuck & Co: Conan moved to an earlier spot losing some of that audience AND he lost some of Jay's devoted audience. I'd think he need more than 8 months to reestablish himself. NBC should get their historians on the books so they remember how this whole thing usually plays out.

Also, I thought a promise was a promise. Not just a promise, a legal contract at that. The Tonight Show shouldn't have been promised to Conan if Jay wasn't ready to retire. Though I expect this becomes a more complicated issue if it so happens that Jay was bullied into retirement. However, if that was the case, I'd imagine Jay would want to take his shtick elsewhere instead of sticking around with a network that was pushing him out of the door. Conan has made it apparent that hosting the Tonight Show was not only a dream of his but also an honor. The fact that it was promised to him and then so hastily snatched away doesn't quite sit right with me.

Another thing (no, this post will never end) is that, it seems to me, that NBC is just wasting a lot of money. Is it really cheaper to buy Conan out of his contract (and risk having to pay the difference for a possibly smaller future pay check) then to risk Jay Leno getting higher ratings on another channel? This is a genuine question though because me and my cynical mind have a feeling this is mostly about money. I mean, these are executives - American executives. I doubt that their main motivation isn't collecting large amounts of sweet, sweet moolah.

Lastly, what's NBC's obsession with Jay Leno? Does Jay have some incriminating photos of the execs? Do they owe him something? Is Jay Leno the epitome of late night hosts and they're really afraid of losing his neverending talent to some other network? I want to know what's so friggin' special about Jay Leno. Please, someone enlighten me.

I could go on and on. Well, just about how Jay Leno keeps trying so hard to play the victimized good-guy but, I'll leave it here for now; I think you get the point. I don't really feel bad for Conan; he's walking away with 30some million dollars so, I think he'll be alright. But I do feel for him. It sucks when you don't even get a year to prove you can do your job. I also admire how he's carried himself through this whole thing: his admirable letter, his concern for poor ol' Jimmy, his concern for his crew's well-being and his general love & respect for the Tonight Show. It'll be interesting to see how everything turns out and where everyone ends up in a year.

*shrug* We'll see.

ciao.

P.S. - Oh yeah, BUT WHAT ABOUT CARSON?????

Dear Loving Celebrity-The Network Edition

2010-01-11T16:28:00.003-05:00

Dear NBC,

Stop fucking around with Conan. He deserves better and he's bored of your shenanigans, you dumbies.

Thank you an regards,

The Juicebox

Why I (Didn't) Love...

2009-12-31T23:54:00.001-05:00

...2009!
Curse you 09!

*SIGH* Oh, 2009. It started mildly hopeful (first black prez, Aretha's hat) and then descended into torture (Jon and Kate, Balloon Boy) not too long after. Here are just 5 of many things that made 2009 and me NOT cuddly friends:

1. Celebrity deaths: 2009, being the ruthless murderess she is, took too many lives this year, especially this summer. I'm sure you know of all the great people who passed away this year so I'm not gonna give you a list. The point is, rather, that 2009 took all the WRONG people leaving a big black hole in our famous people-loving hearts. May they all rest in peace. (Stupid 2009...)

2. "Single Ladies": According to Wikipedia, the "Single Ladies" music video was released sometime in October of 2008. So, why why why are we still hearing this song EVERYWHERE? It was cute before ("Oh, that B!") but now it's just annoying. No more. I'm not putting a ring on anything Beyoncé so leave me alone!

3. H1N1 aka SWINE FLU: Dun dun dun! The evil swine flu. Although swine flu was a good excuse to not make physical contact with that one nasty kid and provided fun hand-sanitizing foam, it proved to be a not so fun illness. When knowledge of swine flu first entered our brains, I was afraid it was gonna be the end of the world the way they were going on about it. True, swine flu has joined 2009 with her murdering ways but it has yet to wipe out the whole human race so...yeah...

4. Jay Leno: I haven't seen Jay Leno's new show so it isn't very fair of me to be criticizing him. Too bad; I'm gonna do it anyway. Supposedly Mr. Leno has been screwing over Conan by ruining his (pseudo) lead-in duties and sending viewers running to other channels for the 10 o'clock slot. Jay, this was year to retire, drive your numerous cars, stuff your face with meat and buff your chin. Maybe 2009 would've been better if you had just quit like you were supposed to.

5. More Twilight: Ugh. This year, thanks to New Moon, we sane people had to suffer through more Twilight crap: more Twihard squeeing, more Team Jake vs. Team Eddie arguments, more insanity. If we must endure Twilight for TWO MORE YEARS can we please stop insulting everyone's intelligence and admit it is NOT a saga? Please?

SO 2009 was kinda annoying and I'm a bit whiny but it wasn't all that bad. We got to enjoy Taylor Swift's happy-go-lucky songs. We got to see Miley shake her thang in booty shorts. We got to be entertained by iCarly. We got to make fun of JONAS. We got to root for Conan in LA. And King Kevin took a Queen. Not great, but not too bad, no?

Here's to hoping that 2010 is much, much better!

ciao, 2009!

Video Vomit: "We Didn't Need to See That" Edition

2009-12-10T15:46:00.007-05:00

The Juicebox gives you an early holiday present. Enjoy!

Ok. Let's talk about this before it gets too old. Today's vomit comes courtesy of Beyoncé and Lady Gaga. "Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga" was never a collaboration I could ever in my wildest dreams imagine. So, naturally my head almost exploded the first time I saw this video. Lucky I'm not epileptic because I almost had a seizure too.

I went through a range of emotions when I first saw this video:

Before I even clicked on the link I was nervous. What kind of trauma was I about to endure? The song is called "Video Phone;" you can't write a song about a video phone. Well, Beyoncé, being mistress of her domain (whatever that means) proved me wrong. You can write a song about video phones, kiddies. Not a good song, but a song nonetheless. (I guess Nelly's ode to his Air Force Ones shoulda clued me in)

Next I felt confused. "What's Rihanna doing in this video?" I thought. It took me a couple seconds but I soon realized that it was Beyoncé. After my brain settled I began to feel concern. It appeared that someone had attacked Beyoncé and taken most of her clothing. I wondered why those men, who appear to be bodyguards, did nothing to prevent Beyoncé from being violated in such a manner. However, I soon realized that B was probably just on her way to the pool for a swim in her sparkly bathing suit, trench coat and leather boots. Those men are probably just on sunscreen duty.

As the video progressed I began to feel anger. What was Beyoncé doing with my favorite Star trooper bra and panties?! I want them back.

Then I was amazed! Beyoncé's backside appears to have some kind of...mystical power! It entrances men; especially those with cameras for heads.

Most of the video passed without incident up until another wave of confuzzlement washed over me. What the hell?! Why is Bette Midler in this music video? And how'd she get so young?! It wasn't until "Bette Midler" began spazzing out...I mean, dancing (?) that I realized it was Lady Gaga. And then I was just amused by how little she was compared to Queen B. (Wittle Gaga!!)

After the chair dance, I spent the rest of the video being angry that I was still watching the video.

...

As I've said before, I do think Beyoncé is talented and I tend to think Gaga is too. But they're too much for me! Do you see the kind of pain they put me through? The whole video was grossly unnecessary. I'm glad that Beyoncé got to channel her inner Rihanna (hair), Gaga (lots of pantslessness), Winehouse (eye makeup), and Miley (butt popping). And it warms my heart (not really) to hear her make sex noises in my ear. But none of this is new. Actually, seeing Lady Gaga almost rip her own head off was kinda interesting. Eh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the only reason I would watch this video again is if I wanted to induce a seizure to get out of finals. Hmm...that's not a bad idea...

ciao :]

Why I Love...

2009-11-30T22:14:00.001-05:00

..."Look Around You"

Look around you. Look around you. Just look around you. Have you figured out what we're looking for? If you answered "10 minute shorts parodying 70s/80s British educational television" then you're right. If not, then sorry, you're dumb. (jk)
(not)

"Look Around You" is a great show for numerous little reasons. First of all, if you love Simon Pegg & Co. then you'll have fun getting glimpses of Nick Frost, Ed Wright and Simon himself. The show also features Peter Serafinowicz aka "Dwayne" from Spaced or "Pete" from Hot Fuzz.

Also if you love running jokes like unnecessary labels, pencils as pointers (even to point out pencils) and absurd portmanteaus then this is the show for you.

"Look Around You" is also very educational. Who knew that germs came from Germany? Or that there are secret, forbidden keys at the end of a piano? I didn't know these things. But I am now equipped with this valuable knowledge thanks to LAY.

It'd be kind of annoying to list all the little things that make "LAY" so grand so you'll either just have to believe me (I am the authority here) or you'll have to go look for yourself - which I HIGHLY suggest.

Ok...I have to admit, this is a lazy "Why I Love..." but I really do love the first series of LAY and I know you will too. So go on over to YouTube RIGHT NOW and watch it! I command you!

ciao.

P.S. - If that's not enough to convince you then hopefully this is. :)

Pop Culture Justice: You SUCK at Parenting

2009-11-17T00:10:00.001-05:00

Case Background:
Since the beginning of time, there have been parents and there have been stupid people. Most of the time, when these two worlds collide, (i.e. stupid people + offspring) we get Bad Parents.There are many different ways to define a Bad Parent, but for our purposes, a bad parent is any parent who clearly cares more about everything else (ex. money, fame, drugs, whores) more than the well-being of their children. The Worst Kind of Parent will neglect their children to the point of the offspring's near-demise and still think that the kid is A-OK! (Let's keep up with the math here: stupid people + delusions of the brain + offspring = Worst Kind of Parent) Most of the time these parents are called out for their bad behavior, but are rarely brought before the court of law. The American legal system is slacking and, because I'm such a good citizen, I'm picking up the slack. On the docket today are Michael Lohan and Joe Jackson. This should be fun!
Court is in session.

Case #1
Plaintiffs: Dina "Famewhore" and Lindsay "Leggings" Lohan
Defendant: Michael Lohan
Complaint: Fails majorly at being a dad by constantly airing Lindsay's druggie laundry for the world to smell.
Evidence: If you're a gossip blog frequenter like yours truly, you probably know by now that Michael Lohan keeps releasing private tapes revealing his daughter's personal problems. Some of them are phone calls between him and his ex-wife and some are messages I assume Lindsay left on his phone. I haven't listened to any of these tapes because I'm not really into reveling in the misery of others. (I'm only just a little into it)
Mr. Lohan claims to be releasing these tapes to the public to get Lindsay help for hr alleged drug problems. This is where Mr. Lohan receives a big fat F on his Parent Report Card. The last time I checked, these sort of PRIVATE matters are meant to be dealt with in PRIVACY between the members involved in a PRIVATE manner. Mr. Lohan is doing nothing but bringing upon himself the wrath (via incoherent Twitter rants) of his daughter and his ex-wife (via ET & TMZ, etc./ aka, her best friends)
Mr. Lohan displays his sucky parenting skills by making it quite clear that he doesn't really care if Lindsay gets better but is more concerned with keeping his irrelevant name in the news, especially now that him and Jon Gosselin are no longer torturing the world with their "friendship."
While it's entirely true that Lindsay is doing nothing to get better and is not really hiding her private woes very well (once again, via incoherent Twitter rants), her famewhore of a father has no right to tell everyone just how bad his daughter is. If he wants her to get help then maybe he can do this very innovative thing where you sit a person down, face-to-face, and you - wait for it - TALK TO THEM! Crazy, I know.

Verdict: Due to all the evidence put before me, I have no choice but to find the defendant GUILTY!
Sentence: I sentence Mr. Lohan to share a room with Heidi and Spencer in hell. He'll also have to massage the Devil's foot bunions for 12 hours a day while listening to his daughter's song, "Daughter to Father" on repeat.

Case #2
Plaintiffs: Blanket and his Minions (Oh, you know Blanket's got 'em in check)
Defendant: Joe "My son is worth more dead than alive" Jackson
Complaint: Continues to prove that it is possible to love money, being creepy and scaring children more than your own offspring.
Evidence: Holy Mary Mercy Me! Where to start? No need to go back any further then the recent death of his son, Michael Joesph Jackson. (Anyone else find that so ironic? I can't get over how ironic that is.) When Michael Jackson passed on, Mr. J. Jackson, went trapezing onto the red carpet at the BET awards and started rambling about his record label. Mind you, this was merely days after the death of one of his children; which is often cited as being one of the biggest emotional upheavals a parent can experience. We gave him the benefit of the doubt though. "People grieve in different ways," we replied. "Maybe he's still in shock," we said. "Maybe he's getting senile," we shrugged.
However, it has come to my attention that Joe Jackson is neither senile, shocked nor even grieving. Nope. Dude is just shameless. I almost admire it. Mr. Jackson just has no shame. He doesn't even try to fake like he's not happy he's getting some extra money from all this. If I were in his place, I'd at least try to squeeze out a tear or two for sympathy but no, not Joe Jackson, no siree.
It became increasingly clear that Mr. Jackson loves da sweet mula when he recently tried to get his grubby hands on his dead son's estate, even after MJ wrote HELL NO on his will where it said, "Money for your dad?". (In case you didn't know, that's how a will is formated. It's just a series of questions about who gets your money, your kids and your favorite PJs.) When asked about his grandfather's attempt to get his share of the estate, Blanket replied that he "Ain't having none of that shiznit." You go boy - take names and kick ass. I'm behind you all the way. I can't not get behind a kid who's hair is almost longer than he is tall.*

Verdict: ANYWHO (luscious hair is distracting), Joe Jackson is a sucky parent because, like his friend Mr. Lohan, he's really bad at pretending he likes his kids more than money and fame. Therefore, I find this dude GUILTY!
Sentence: Mr. Jackson will be responsible for the upkeep of his grandson, Blanket's luscious locs until he comes of age. When he's not brushing and conditioning hair, Mr. Jackson will get the Sisyphus treatment. Except, instead of a boulder, it will be a big ball of money. Then, when it gets to the bottom of the hill, it will break and all the money will be snatched up by poor, but very strong, orphans. Then, Mr. Jackson will have to wrestle each and every dollar from each and every poor (but very strong!), orphan and reassemble the dollars back into their ball form. He will then roll the ball back up the hill and that will go on forever and ever with "Speed Demon" on loop. Elaborate, I know.

Well, that'll show those two to mess with Judge K.I.A.

ciao, bellas.

*Because you care so much, I'm sure you will be happy to know that one of my fellow judge-people repeated MJ's HELL NO. Then he told Mr. Jackson to go home and read a book or something. I'd also throw some French toast eating in there because French toast cures ALL. TRUTH.

Happy Birfday King Kevin!!1!1!!11!!!

2009-11-05T14:54:00.014-05:00

ALL HAIL KING KEVIN!

Just in case you didn't know (because you were being useless and sucking at life) today is the 22nd year in which King Kevin has graced us with his earthly presence. So stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW and thank God that Kevin Jonas exists. Praise the Lord!

Happy Birthday Kevin Jonas :)

Love,
The Juicebox

P.S. - Bear with us; we're working on a crown more worthy of his greatness.

Why I Love...

2009-10-31T11:00:00.003-04:00

...Fall!
(WARNING: Nothing duck related inside)

I'm just trying to spice things up here on the Juicebox by talking about the weather! (Contradictory? I think not!) Fall is a great time of year. The best thing about fall is the temperature. Oh Boy! What's more fun then dressing for the 40 degree morning weather only to be sweating in your 40 degree weather outfit later when the temperature shoots up 75 degrees?! Nothing! Nothing is more fun than that!

Also great about fall is the lovely tendency of the trees to toss acorns down at your head. I have yet to be hit by one but I do love the rush of walking under a tree and wondering whether or not I'll be hit in the head by an acorn. Fun!

Going back to the temperature, one of my favorite parts about fall is the people who refuse to let go of summer. There's something heartwarming about watching you shiver in your tank top, flip flops and shorts when its 40 degrees out because you just can't let go. (Yes, I will be jealous of you come 70 degree time but for now, I'm laughing.)

In all seriousness though, fall is a really nice time of the year when the weather isn't being funky. The leaves turn pretty colors and the turkeys come out to play... Good times!

Also...
Happy Halloween! Have fun being drunken sluts!

We the People of the United States...

2009-10-28T14:17:00.002-04:00

...in order to form a more perfect union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the right to do whatever the hell it takes to get on Television.

Yeah...you probably didn't hear about this but they changed the preamble to the Constitution. Nice, huh?

Welcome to the United States where one of our favorite pastimes is forcing our children to hide in attics, releasing giant balloons, lying to the authorities about our children being caught in said balloon and then sending the authorities on a wild goose chase after said balloon in hopes of saving the non-existent child.

This "15 Minutes" syndrome is a strange sort of dilemma that seems to be enhanced by the advent of reality television. It used to be that people had to have some kind of talent to get on tv. You know: You can sing, or act or dance or tell funny jokes. If your talent didn't fall into these traditional A/V realms, maybe you'd find yourself in a human interest piece on your local news channel and you'd get your 15 minutes that way. But not these days. The talent pool seems to have expanded to include things that I wouldn't really consider talents.

For example, TLC seems to think it's a talent to have a lot of babies and then, *gasp* take care of them! What a novel idea!: Having children and then taking responsibility for their well-being! I guess the fascination with these large families come from the fact that the average American family these days only has about 2 children. It's interesting to see how they deal with their abundance of children. But, put this show on a couple decades ago and I don't know that it would be so intriguing. I can understand a short special here and there with updates and whatnot. But what about watching the Gosselins and Duggars every week do everyday things is so fascinating? Yes, they have 10 billion kids, but I'd be satisfied with looking at a picture, going "Wow, that's a lot of kids" and moving on.

Another fine example comes from MTV, who seems to think it's a talent to be rich and spoiled. I guess it could be considered fun to be a spoiled bitch but a talent? I think not. I'm not sure what the purpose of these shows are; shows like "My Super Sweet 16" and "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills." I like to think that MTV is being ironic with "My Super Sweet 16." I mean, I hope we're supposed to pity and not envy those kids. As for "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills"...I'm thinking it's MTV's lazy attempt at a teen drama. They just formulate some story lines and get some rich kids to ad lib for a bit. No having to pay writers! Or, they really expect us to be SO fascinated by the lives of the privileged. I guess some people like to agonize over the dilemmas of the oh-so-rich: "What will LC do? She must decide between buying the Gucci or Chanel bag! She can't buy both because no more rich people stuff will fit in her Mercedes! Find out what she does next week on The Hills!"

The thing about all these "reality stars" is they're famous for being people who are either a) willing to humiliate themselves for money or b) willing to have cameras invade their lives because one tiny aspect of it is abnormal. Unless lacking dignity is a talent then I don't see what makes these people worthy of all the attention they get. As for the "willing to have people invade their lives for something abnormal" stars, sometimes what's abnormal about their life isn't so abnormal at all. What's so abnormal about Brooke Hogan that we should follow her around all day? I guess being completely and utterly useless to society is kinda special but does it warrant a TV show? I'll let you decide. (Hint: NO)

So, I'm guessing "15 Minute" Syndrome kinda comes from a "If they can be famous, why can't I?" place. ( I mean seriously, if Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag can be famous, why can't I?) If you have some sort of "talent" (ability to stay awake at your boring job, cooking Ramen noodles, etc) then you start to think you deserve some recognition for it because, hell, Paris Hilton got herself a TV show for just being stupid!

Then, I think it also comes from all the glamour and perks of being a celeb. You know...obnoxious people shoving cameras in your face, your "friends" selling you out to trashy magazines, strangers making fun of your cankles on gossip blogs...all that glamorous stuff. (Flossy, flossy) We love celebrities in America. We love telling them how beautiful they are and how much better they are then all us commoners. We pay them millions of dollars every year to make us feel fat, ugly and worthless. It's only natural that we'd get fed up being a commoner and want to be a celebrity.

So, if we can't sing or dance or act or tell funny jokes (or act like we're singing funny jokes while we dance) then we make something up or do something stupid in hopes that TLC or MTV or whatever will come knocking and begging to share in our shame for the entertainment of the American people.

Oh, America the BEAutiful.

ciao :)

P.S.: See what little Falcon Heene thinks about being a reality star. Take that, Papa Heene! (Or not since he doesn't seem to give a damn)

Dear Geocities

2009-10-26T23:10:00.005-04:00

Oh, Geocities. How I will miss you. You hosted all my angsty teenage poetry. And now, along with my adolescence, you die. You will be missed, even if i hadn't logged in for years. If only I had that poetry in my hands still. Thanks for all you have done and for keeping me busy when I was thirteen.

Love,
Señorita Brownie McTree

This Post is Bigger After the Jump

2009-10-22T23:51:00.005-04:00

Sorry; that was too easy I suppose. So, for you Doctor Who fans, here's a TARDIS iPod sock I made for my roommate's birthday. (October is le month of birthdays here in Ziggy's Magical Starship.

It's a basic sock, with the windows and suck embroidered on it. The end.

Beware: Needles are Back

2009-10-15T00:32:00.000-04:00

Good Golly! It's Time for some elderly crafts! Yea, I know. I've been pretty m.i.a lately. And I apologize. But good news is that I've been busy! OK, not really, but I finished a few projects and am ready to share.

Now if you'll recall I've mentioned the lack of knit projects for cute toys out there. I'm not a crocheter, at least not a good one, so I was desperate to find something. Sure i had my bird pattern, but that gets boring. Enter Amigurumi Knits.
My reaction when I came across this book at Borders? FINALLY! I mean really, crochet had the strong hold on the cute squishies for much to long. Future research lead me to Hansi Singh's Etsy page where she had more patterns for sale. But first the book.

Compared to the other book I've briefly mentioned, this book was wicked accessible and easy to follow. How do I know this? Because the octopus I made for my roommate's birthday looks like this:

Yeah. The fact that it even remotely resembles the one in the book is a fabulous sign. Many points won. But really, HE'S SO CUTE! And he really is mini. I could hold it in one hand. The entire book is filled with cute patterns, from garlic to a snail to a jackelope. I'm so pleased!

There are more for the future, including a pattern I bought on the Etsy page, and I'll keep the updates coming. Now if you'll excuse me, Rascal Flatts are on Conan and I need to plug my ears.

Lator.

Why I Love...

2009-09-30T17:16:00.001-04:00

...Megan Fox!

(Man...it is so hard to find a picture of Megan Fox in her underwear)

How do I love thee, Megan Fox? Let me count the ways.

I don't know about you but I'm sad that Jennifer's Body has debuted in theaters because I will be without my Megan Fox "Quote of the Day." During the Transformers publicity extravaganza, Megan Fox only barely tickled my fancy. But now, with the publicity jubilee of Jennifer's Body, she's won the key to my fickle heart. Megan Fox has proved she's a jack of all trades. No, she's not just an actress and sexy model. She's so much more. Don't worry, I'll share:

++Psychologist. PROOF: "I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I’m a borderline personality—or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is." (Wonderland Magazine)

I don't know of many people who, without a degree in Psychology, can diagnose themselves with a mental disorder. But Megan Fox can. She can do anything.

++Expert on men. PROOF: "I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it's a superiority complex — my needing to keep them down." (Cosmo)

Take notes ladies! Megan Fox knows about men, I mean boys, and how to keep them in their places. It's the mind games. Call them boys. That is all.

++2 HOTT 4 U. PROOF: "I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault. I’m just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It’s just there. It’s something I don’t have to turn on." (Elle)

Megan Fox is sexy as hell and she doesn't even have to try. And you? You have to try. You try so hard but you can never reach the level of sexy that Megan Fox is at because the sexy is not in your pores. You FAIL, Megan Fox WINS.

For further proof that Megan Fox is so much sexier than you can ever even hope to be, see any spread she's done in any magazine ever.

++Philosopher. PROOF: "When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross." (GQ)

Whoa, Megan Fox! Slow down there. That's too much deep thinking for me. Move over, Socrates.

----

I wasn't sure before but now I know I love Megan Fox. She's not afraid to be her good ol' krazy, sexy, weird self. And I can appreciate a girl who doesn't apologize for all the stupid stuff she says. Plus her last name is "Fox." How great is that?! You go, Megan Fox!

Video Vomit: "She's Just Being Miley" Edition

2009-09-24T18:35:00.014-04:00

When I grow up, I wanna be just like Miley.

I know I already talked about Miley's "Party in the USA" performance at the TCAs and I didn't really plan on revisiting that gross song until Miley one-upped herself with the BEAUTIFUL gem that is her music video. Ok - I'm not gonna lie. I was eagerly awaiting this video. And it's everything I hoped it would be - and more!

First of all, it seems like Miley is wearing a recycled TCA outfit with a few minor tweaks. For one, she dumped the sparkly latex booty shorts for the even more classy denim booty shorts. She then decided that just showing her bra wasn't enough. So, Billy Ray took his bestest bud out to Victoria's Secret and got her a nice push up bra to wear. Aw, good old-fashion father/daughter time. So not only do we get to ogle her butt, we also get an eye of her underage bosom. Grand!

But Miley doesn't stop there. No. She's a true performer and she takes it all the way. My favorite part comes circa 3:05 when Miley shows how a true Virgin puts it down. Pop that booty girl! Show us how it's done!

There actually isn't that much going on in this video besides Miley bouncing around that...wherever the hell she is and grabbing at her luscious weave. She proves to us, once again, that she's not a very good dancer. However, she can pop her butt and do body rolls so that's good, I guess. It really isn't very scandalous (We've seen worse, no?) but it does scream "Please believe I'm so mature for 16!" and "I really wanna be a sex symbol!"

My only advice is: Leave the sexiness to the pros, Miley. Be patient my child for one day you will get to slut it up like no one's slutted it up before. One day.

ciao :)

Real Talk: MTV Video Music Awards 2009

2009-09-13T23:43:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I'm a wimp. I couldn't even watch the whole thing. I'm sorry! But I can only take so much. Anywho, Keep Reading...to share my pain.

Madge. Real Talk: I didn't think old people had time for the VMAs. *shrug* But her words were heartfelt and sweet. It was a very nice start to the show. Too bad it just went downhill from there. But, she's quite awesome in her own right so it was cool to hear her talk. (Also, can we lay off the Botox? I don't know why people equate old with ugly. Madge was hot stuff back in the day. If she'd aged naturally she would look really good.)

MJ Tribute/Janet. Real Talk: Not bad. I'm starting to tire of the MJ tributing now. (Thank GOD that Jermaine's little shindig has been postponed). However, this was quite nice. I always forget about Janet - I was never really into Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty) - but she did her thing. Her big bro would be proud.

KANYE "KRAZY" WEST. Real Talk: Dude had Facebook BUZZIN'. He's outta control. How dare he diss Taylor Swift like that?! Take it back Kanye, take it back! Seriously though: Was that a "HAHA" throwback to that little stunt he threw at the Grammy's (??) a couple years ago? Cuz if he was joking it wasn't funny. If he wasn't joking then, in the words of my brother, he's a dickhead.

Russell Brand. Real Talk: He sucks. Revoke his Visa. The dude is not funny. Not only that, but he reminds me of clown. An evil clown. An evil English clown. I know you said the JoBros forgave you for the purity rings jokes but, will they forgive you for being such a bad host?? (Hint: King Kevin is NOT amused)

Fashion. Real Talk: Weird. It was mostly Lady Gaga's adventures that tipped the scales toward WTF. Taylor Swift helped out with her sparkly window curtains. (Though she gets a Get Out of Jail Free card since she was terrorized by Krazy West) Miranda Cosgrove's disco ball dress also added to the fun. Ms. Beyoncè was really testing the cleavage boundaries, no? I wonder if her mom still helps her get dressed. And if she does, I'd like to know where she's getting the industrial strength booby tape that keeps those tatas down. Really though, I'm thoroughly amazed that she wasn't falling out of that "Single Ladies" outfit. Speaking of the devil...

Beyoncè. Real Talk: Oh B. I don't hate her. I think she's very talented; good dancer and singer. But, dunno, she just rubs me the wrong way. I remember when I first heard about the epic "Single Ladies" video I had to check it out. And when I did I was both scared and amazed. When I saw it again tonight, all those confusing feelings came rushing back. How is it possible that she's still in one piece? Those dance moves just make me think that one of her legs are gonna pop out of their socket. But, she's still in one piece, so I commend her. BUT...where was Shane???

Lady Gaga. Real Talk: Holy Mary Mercy Me (Copyright: MJ). This chick is out of her mind. She and Kanye make me wanna drink a steaming hot bowl of sanity. I still can't decide if Lady Gaga is just too artsy and cool for lame old me or if she's just trying too hard. I guess I'll have to get back to you on that.

VMAs 2009. Real talk: *sigh* I'm getting too old for this. I'm just gonna assume that the rest of it sucked as much as the beginning. The host was annoying, the performances were strange and Lady Gaga will give me nightmares tonight. But I'll say something nice: I was impressed by all the people singing live and not sounding like crap (Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Beyoncè, Lady Gaga, Janet). That was kinda nice. Otherwise, I think it'll have to be another 10 or so years before I can bring myself to watch this thing again.

ciao.

P.S. Oh! Also, Twilight "Saga" trailer was a treat. Looks LOL worthy so I'm excited for November. Also nice to see my girl-crush KStew. Yes, I'm smitten. ;)

P.P.S. MTV: Censoring - You're doing it wrong.

Update: Yeah...Kanye's a dickhead.

Why I Love...

2009-08-31T10:47:00.007-04:00

...The Juicebox!

Happy (Belated) 1st Birthday, Juicebox!

Technically me and la Señorita should've celebrated on August 12th - but this is close enough! I'm not gonna go into why the Juicebox is deserving of my love. If you can't figure it out for yourself than you fail at life. (Sorry, but this is the truth).

Anywayz, put on your party hats, grab a cupcake and take a look back at one year of fatassery, robots, King Kevin lovin' and Twilight hatin'.

Yay!

P.S. - This year, The Juicebox's official birfday song is "Upside Down" by Diana Ross. Why? Because it's stuck in my head. And because Diana Ross is AWESOME! Man...I wish I was as crazy as Ms. Ross. She may replace Miley as my idol. Also, where do I buy hair like hers???? So jealous...

Dear Loving Celebrity

2009-08-30T12:18:00.001-04:00

Dear Miranda Cosgrove,

Not all singers can dance. Not all dancers can sing. You are stuck in the middle. Please choose one.

Thank you and regards,

The Juicebox

(For evidence of this please click here and here because the girl don't want her vids embedded.)

WTF 2009?

2009-08-29T18:03:00.000-04:00

I thought we were going to have a good time. Ms. K.I.A and I even told you that you looked sexy. But you had to go be a bitch. How you ask?

Well, look at everyone who was poked by the reaper. . .Actually the list is too long. Point is that you let them be poked. I know people die every day, but I don't know who those people are.

Why you have to mess with us 2009? Why?

You have few months to redeem yourself. Make us proud.

Give us the King Kevin/Patrick Stump super-band that will fix civilization. Just like Bill and Ted.

Um I thought Discovery was mildly educational?

2009-08-24T15:06:00.002-04:00

Usually, when you hear someone say "I love the Discovery Channel" you assume the person likes to learn. It makes sense. Discovery generally has a number of great educational programs on various kinds of science. Woo!

OK, I'll admit that some of this shows are educational, yet still play to their audience. For example Dirty Jobs (one of my favorites) has its host Mike Rowe in a number of gross-me-out situations that sometimes lead to him shirtless (which might be one of the reasons why I like it).That's the gimmick I suppose: he cleans up poop, gets it onto the camera and then there's occassionaly a silly shower scene.

Another example is Mythbusters. Now they are all degree holding sciency types, but they work in the special effects business so they know the Number 1 Rule of Cool: Making things blow up is AWESOME! I totally agree. But I also like sitting through the slower myths to get to the explosion, which is how they set up the show anyway. They try and add science and learning into the show; as their sign says WARNING: Science Content!

Now, back to the orginal point, Discovery has disappointed me. Enter the show Time Warp.

Here is what Time Warp does:

Since when is owning a slow-mo camera enough reason to have a show?

Okay, don't get me wrong. It's pretty cool to see things we think as instant in its full glory. Seeing James Hetfield's spit was gross yet cool. And the chainsaw part? That was effin' sweet. But not worthy of Discovery Channel air-time.

Why not? Well, because I didn't really learn much. Sure the octaves part (which may be in parts 2-4 of the above video) on the guy's acoustic guitar was cool to see. But they skip over the explanation a bit. I'd rather a better lesson on the math of music.

I get that not everyone wants all the science with their entertainment. And yes, seeing bubbles in slow motion is awesome, mostly because bubbles are awesome:

See that's cool right? Imagine having to sit around for an hour just to see those five minutes of awesome. Yeah, exactly. The stuff they do on Time Warp is cool, but not Discovery-Channel-hour-program cool. It's more of I'm-gonna-watch-this-on-Youtube cool.

Moral of the story: I'm dissappointed in you Discovery Channel. You have made entertainment without much education. Keep to the internet.

Now if you want more cool videos from Time Warp without the one hour sit around, go to Discovery's Youtube account. I particularly enjoyed the water balloon to the face.